Processing

I have a very negative thought pattern regarding myself and my noises I make. So I made a recording. I’m not usually so overtly sexual. So please don’t take this as me being that way… Just a way to be a little more confident that my noises aren’t so bazar. Kind comments only if you please. 

(full disclosure it’s during my personal play time so it’s spicy vocals, if you’re not into listening to that please do not click the link) 

https://voca.ro/103Hx8ZqEGGN

To make this I had to muster all my muchness. 

I'm doing it. I'm hitting my stride, I'm starting to have days that feel better without you. Starting to feel like I can breathe easier. Starting to make time, to do the things I NEED for me. This year has been hard, and my children leaving didn't help. But you don't get to win... I will persevere! 

Put the house up for sale, accepted a post graduate position despite not having my degree until then. And I will be making enough to leave this place ans start a new chapter. 

Here is to grit. That fearless pursuit of "something I needed" to the point I am finally getting what I have worked so incredibly hard to achieve. 

Pride in myself. 

I'm not saying the journey is over, it's simply the start of a new chapter. Onward and to the stars. Watch me shine, because I am earning it! 

Today was extra hard. My children are in their early teens. My ex is a classic manipulative jerk. But I have recently made a decision solely for my children ans the needs they have expressed. 

1. They need more help in school, with emotional and.academic issues. 

2. They want to be closer to their family and brothers 

3. They want to go to a smaller school 

4. They desire the ability to try being at dad's because they think that having someone there everyday after-school is something they need

I have a lot going on... for them and for myself. I work 7 days a week. Two jobs, one full time ans one part time. I am also a full time online college student... this basically means. My children have household.responsibilities they would not when at his home. (This is a very heteronormative household. He works, she stays home. Dinner on the table that is home made very day. Home after school for thw kids with cookies.) Would I love to do this-- YES. Is that in my ability to provide right now--NO. Does that make my household "worse"-- NO. 

It took soooo much for me.to examine my hurt feelings at them expressing this desire. But I have figured a few things out in my depression this week. 

1. My children may resent how I am raising them, but I know I am preparing them to know how to handle themselves in the future. If I do not allow this opportunity to see the grass is just different they may resent me for it. I want to protect them but this may be something I really can't protect them from. 

 2. I know that their father is telling them some falsehoods: no bullying at my school, no standard grading they take into account your effort?!, and they don't have groups or clicks of people everyone is just is nice to everyone.... these are normal things in high school so I doubt these are true. 

3. I have raised my children in such a way they feel SAFE enough to be honest and forthcoming with what they want and how they feel. (Breaking patterns from.how I was raised) 

4. Them wanting to spend their time there doesn't come from a desire to leave me, but from their natural state as teenagers to self identify. 

So how can I live with letting them go?

I set terms. They have to get .2% higher GPA at the new school, he has to take them to therapy twice a month. He has to visit his mother (I was taking them... we won't get into that). And I get them two days a week. And if at any point they don't meet these or thw children desire they can come back.

My heart feels so broken right now... I feel empty and I find myself not even knowing what to do with myself... but this will be good. And teaching them lessons like this are good for their development... and I'm trying to remain positive... it is not about me... they want time I don't have to give ans that doesn't make me a bad parent... but it doesn't fulfill a need they are expressing so maybe allowing this will be good for them...

Just thinking out loud... please feel free to respond. 

And on a kinky note: tell me why this whole situation has me ITCHING for a black and blue beating??!?!

If you have followed my blog you know I am on a healing journey. This week I played with someone totally new. Normally I would never, but he was vetted by several close friends and the man I am dating (not a dom, he's a swinger).

All these things that I have "learned" are "weird" or unacceptable to some... they were just wholly and completely accepted as normal. Things like getting overwhelmed in a scene and crying, or using a safe word... they were ENCOURAGED. I didn't even realize that I held onto these "beliefs" that I am somehow flawed or weird or different from everyone else because I coo when I'm in subspace or curl up and get little afterwards. These are 100% normal things.... and actually knowing that now... it makes me openly cry today. 

Maybe it's a little subdrop. But all I feel is this massive sense of relief in my heart. It'd so hard to explain. I feel lighter, and maybe a little less afraid. I even wanted to be choked?! 

My boyfriend is amazing for letting me set this up, this man was amazing for just being gentle (not in a literally sense because he fucked my brains out) emotionally with me ans backing off as he saw I needed it and saying what I needed to hear without knowing it. Their wives are amazing, and this is the first swinger experience I have had where there is literally zero jealousy!

And I'm realizing I too am amazing. Because evwnthough I'm in my 30s I'm still growing every day. 

Hope this encourages someone today. 😘

I started a new job a few weeks back. I'm still in training. But I find the working with children to be therapeutic for me. Something about getting to play all day makes me feel like I can let my little out again. I'm still struggling, still feeling the burden of letting go of the hurt. But it feels more manageable today. I even looked on his page, and felt no anger or fear or dread. I felt pitty. He looks so sad, alone in his darkness... meanwhile I am accepting that part of myself for just what it is: a side which I can draw strength from. I may not be the picture of mental health, but especially this month (mental health awareness month) I will count my blessings that I have been able to walk with my head held high for a few days. I'm proud of me, ans that's all that REALLY matters. 

Buuuut if you want to be nice ans say so too I suppose it couldn't hurt 😁😏😇

This weekend I have vowed to clear myself of the negative energy left in the house after everything that happened. I went upstairs and cleaned my children’s rooms, steam cleaning the carpets after the dog I got for him using my kids room as a toilet. My daughter has been sad because she loved the dog. So (me being the masochist I am) I got her a 8 week old puppy. 

I put together the bed that I bought for his daughter, and switched things around. Moving the two twin frames from upstairs out to the porch for someone who needs them. My daughter now has a full size bed and my son has a king (really two twins together but the point is it’s bigger). I took apart my bed frame and took it upstairs abs reassembled it so that my sons bed(s) were on a frame. I steam cleaned everyone’s carpets abs put together my own frame (brand new and made from heavy duty metal). I washed all the walls and base boards in my room and then crashed and fell asleep. 

I had a dream that I can’t fall back asleep after. It was me, my ex and the third. He was trying to reincorporate me because “he needs me”. And I am sitting in the shower. She says she needs him and he leaves me to go to her. He left me in the shower to go and fuck her first. And I’m sitting in the shower trying not to be angry. And she’s laughing at me when she sees me and returns with him. We fight and he tells me how I don’t care about how he feels or what he needs because I can’t accept them being together. I point out that she is sitting there laughing at me because she KNOWS what she just did. She knows that she just wanted to prove she could get him to abandon me anytime she pleases. (In my dream she is literally sitting there bending antagonistic and laughing in my face). And I start crying alone in the shower while I’m being lectured about how I’m so inconsiderate and don’t care about his feelings. 

I wake up and can’t fall back asleep. It seems even though I’m working to clear all this negative energy from my home that I am still harboring some in my heart. I just want to be better, why can’t I just let go? Oh well, back to cleaning. Put this energy into something useful that makes me feel accomplished, yes? 

This us just a brief background into a bump in the road:

3 years. Three years is how long I waited, vetted and befriend my Dom/partner before allowing him to move in and becoming partnered. I had been burned before, but I should have seen the red flags. Why can’t I see them? 

First off:  I am a brat, little, submissive and a baby masochist. (I say baby because I like pain but not nearly as much as a true masochist). I had never called anyone “daddy” before either. This word holds allot of weight with me, but that’s a story for a different time...

My partner had PTSD from his time overseas, anxiety and depression. (So he understood my tendency to be a massive over thinker and my anxiety). But he went to counseling, and he was getting help. He told me that sometimes he was going to disassociate, but that distance and a little neglect where much easier to fix than hurting me.I agreed. He identified as a primal/alpha dominant with huge sadist tendencies. He has been a daddy to his previous girlfriend and vowed he couldn’t do it again ( I should have listened).

Toward the end of our relationship we tried to open to a third. I wanted table-top poly, he believes everyone needs to be equal. This ended poorly because we set rules. He ignored them, claiming that when his primal takes over it’s nota choice. (When the relationship was less than two weeks in; he fucked her in OUR BED with NO condom while I was at work. I was devastated.) he contributed to show me I was not the priority by starting with her 3 weeks straight “for work”. And I kept trying to tell him how I was feeling, only to be told I was “cramming my feelings down his throat”. 

he came home to pack a bag and stay longer, and talk. He said he was leaving,I got upset and slammed my hands on a counter telling him to “go be with his whore” He slapped me in the face so hard, I almost lost consciousness. (This, I blame on myself. And can totally chalk up to a PTSD reaction. My fault.) instead of getting concerned he starts telling me “look what you made me do”. I ask nicely then demand him “get the FUCK” out of my face. 

He tells me I am being disrespectful and headbutts me breaking my nose. He does get remorseful about that. We proceed to talk but the abuse continues. It ends with me being choked out full blown marine combat style with an arm bar and an arched back so I can’t reach anything for leverage; with such force I end up in an ambulance and my trachea is shifted and poop in my pants. 

This blog is about me finding a way to heal from that. I hope someone finds it helpful. And please remember: Daddy’s don’t take their little’s fears and desires and use it against them. If you are ever in a situation where you feel unsafe LEAVE. Don’t be like me and hold onto hope they will see what they are doing is hurtful, they know and they don’t care or they wouldn’t continue to do what they are without change. JUST LEAVE, before it’s no longer an option. 

(I do wish him health and happiness. And I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs, I am having a hard time letting go because I don’t want to abandon him to his darkness. I want to help him, I just can’t be there for it. It’s not safe for me anymore...)