Week 4 - sorry for the late post
This week I am picking up all the things I used to, those “Good morning Daddy xxx” text I would send every morning I will now send a message to my friend for example or say good morning to myself in the mirror or say it to the plant as i water it. Or those OOTD videos I would make for him I will now be making them for myself etc. I will also do an overall reflection of how far I have come from week 1 to week 4.
Day 23 – Wednesday 12 February 2025
24k Magic by Bruno Mars
WEEK 4! Someone literally pinch me! WHAT! I can not believe it is week 4 already. My final week. What a ride this has been. I have alot of thinking and deciding on what my way forward is after day 30. But as for now-today. I am just going to take a breathe. I have come a long way from day 1. And here we are 22 days later. I have never felt more myself in the last year than i have in the last few days. So cheer to week 4...i know you will be great!
Day 24 – Thursday 13 February 2025
Party by Beyonce ft J.cole
Lets gooooo! It feels so good to be back to my old self again. I have missed her so much!! So today i gave myself the task of making an OOTD. I got to work put on my music and made myself an OOTD video and just to be a little extra..i posted it to my socials. And it was so much fun. I had forgotten how excited i was to make those silly videos every morning ranting about something and showing off my shoes. Definitely adding it back to my roster.
In week one i was so emotional even dressing up for work brought me to tears. I could not fathom how would get over all the guilt and blame i had towards myself. Today i can say it was not my fault...was anyone even at fault? That one i wont answer. But all i know is i am not looking in the mirror and blaming myself or thinking less of myself.
When someone breaks your heart, the last thing you wanna hear is "Oh you should go and love yourself.." or anything along those lines. When you get heart broken...quite literally all sense and logic goes out the window. You forget you self-worth, meaning, image and everything else. You hate yourself, blame yourself the heartbreak turns you into your own biggest hater. Unfortunately, this is just how the human brain is wired, and it takes some time for our self-sense returns to us. It takes time, and that's the biggest thing in this whole experience. Give yourself the time to heal, to recover, to love yourself again. A loved one ended a relationship and you feel unlovable and like a horrible person. So give yourself time to love yourself.
Day 25 – Friday 14 February 2025
Die with smile by Lady Gaga ft Bruno Mars
Theres a song that says " I say i hate you with a smile on my face" which is some sort of acceptance of the situation. I have accepted it. It is what it is, and its just that. Things happen i life, things out of our control, decisions made on our behalf we dont agree nor understand, but that doesnt change a thing. Whether or not i agree with anything it does not matter, me not being happy with his stance or whatever does not change what happened. At the end of the day i had two choices sit and be sad and hold onto how cheated and robbed i feel, or how i feel a wave of unpleasant emotions towards you for your reasoning that no matter how hard i try i can not help but just feel some tinge of resentment, but i can not sit and hate you or be angry forever. so my next best option it to let it go and accept what happened. Will i ever get over this. I will one day. The questions will stop of why you didn't try, why it had to be like that and all the million questions will collect dust in the back of mind, next to all my other unanswered questions for people i loved but left.
I won't let your choice, hold me down like that. Well i wont let it do that anymore. Life is so much more, there is so much more to life than one failed relationship. And i am to young to let myself rot away out of fear of this repeating, I will be brave, muster up all my courage and i will try again! I wont give up, i wont give up on my dream dynamic nor love. Love is beautiful, empowering, liberating and a plethora of things. I realised that this was so devasting for me because it was the first time ever experiencing something like this. But gurl...there ARE more fish in the see, bigger, faster, more colourful etc fish. So put some fresh bait on your hook and try again, repair the holes in your net and cast them again. You will be surprised by what you reel in
Day 26 – Saturday 15 February 2025
Fancy by Drake
I have nothing on my mind either getting done with my birthday preparations in time
Day 27 – Sunday 16 February 2025
Doo woo (that thing) by Lauryn Hill
Not a one a time thing. This dynamic was not a once in a life time thing. I dont remember if i said it before, but just because this is happening to me for the first itme doesnt mean it was my only chance to experience this. There is a Dom out there that will be everything and more than what i ever dreamed of.
Day 28 – Monday 17 February 2025
Atleast we tried by Giveon
I am a few days away from completing my 30 days no contact and i am tasked with the question of whether or not i will be breaking contact or not?
i am stuck on the fence if im being honest with myself. i do not want to not speak to him ever again...but do i also want tp speak to him? what purpose will me speaking to him serve? i feel that speaking to him will be adding salt to an open wound. In as much as i have overcome this breakup im not ready to face him.
But i acknowledge i want him in my life still. But in what capacity? Its not as a dom, it cant be a friend because that would just be so like hurtful being friends, not as a mentor. So what role would he play...what am i keeping contact with him for. Is it me just refusing to let go, and willing to hold onto the little rather than nothing "I would rather have something instead of nothing" . Maybe he could just be a distant well wisher. I can say whatever i want to say but i will always know in my heart that he wants the best for me, that he wants me to succeed in life and accomplish all i have ever dreamed of. In our time together he helped me, made me see things differently and see the tools i had but just did not know how to use. I will always be grateful for that.
Day 29 – Tuesday 18 February 2025
Sure thing by Miguel
One more day to go...and i don't know yet what i am so excited for but i am just so excited. I decided to go back and read weeks 1 thought to 3, AND BOY OH BOY. I said alot. I was going though the most to say the least. I was feeling really intense things and in those feelings i said alot of things as well
Reading what i wrote then i see that alot of the times when i was speaking about him i was speaking from a place of rejection, hurt, anger etc. I wont say that what i said was wrong, but i will say that because of how i was feeling at the time some of the stuff i said was not entirely right. But nonetheless that is the beauty of this experiment. I allowed myself to feel what ever it is no judgement, whether it is right or wrong.
Day 30 – Wednesday 19 February 2025
Bye by Arianna Grande
If you had told me aa month ago that i would have completed my 30 days no contact, i would have most probably asked you what you are talking about. But here i am 30 days later. I made it. I stuck by rules. The relief i feel today is undescribable.
When i first started this challenge i was doing it so i could get it over and done with and talk to him again. But sitting here today talking to him is the last thing on my mind. The other day I was asking myself if i want to break contact. I have an answer...and its no. Well not yet at least. I really do not see the point in talking to him to answer the questions i asked myself the other day. Breaking no contact..serves no purposes right now, it won't help me with anything it wont do anything expect possible take me backwards. He did message me, so may read the messages just to say oh well...but i will not be responding. My response/breaking the contact will not change a single thing that was said or change reality and i have accepted that.
I have no words to describe how proud i am of myself for getting through this. for not letting this make me a bitter person. Rather i have come out on top and so much more resilient. I am making a promise to myself today, i will put myself first even in relationships, i will stay true to myself, i will not be meek and timid, i will be bold, brave and courageous, i will continue to love in colour, i will love me, i will not settle for less. These 30 days no contact was an amazing experiment.
Thank you, for all the support, and the people that reached out to share their stories and get advise. You helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Glad this is over and i can get back to my normal vlogs. lol
