Nirvane(sub female)

Nirvana

Be 100% YOU in all your authenticity someone? said something along the lines of " be you because never at any point or time be it past present or even future will there EVER be another you"...so moral of the story is be you. And this blog will be my version of exactly that. So please grab your popcorn and favourite plushy as you get front row seats to Me..

xoxo

Vetting?

4 weeks ago. March 3, 2025 at 10:11 AM

So, I have been talking with a Dom, for what I'd say about a month. From the jump, he mentioned he was interested in me, and I told him that I was fresh out of a dynamic and going through some stuff, to which he was very understanding about and deterred by. He showed a lot of compassion about what I was going through, and was very insightful and has been very patient.

There is obviously an undeniable attraction to each other. He finds me beautiful, smart and funny, cute all the sweet stuff, and likewise, I find him very attractive, well spoken, very caring and kind, and the cherry on top ….HIS OLD, now not grandpa old more like 10 years+ old. Apart from our physical attraction, we have the same views on everything we have discussed so far, from our view on being IN love with your Sub as a Dom, vice versa, to the type of dynamic we want to have and our different characteristics that complement each other.

For me, vetting has not even lasted 3 weeks, even that is long, my last dynamic we vetted for like 2 weeks at max or a few days short of it, I think. But this time it’s all happening so slowly, which I am not complaining about. It is really nice, getting to know him, him knowing me…everything is intentional, when we talk, what we talk about, it is all done with purpose. He is always asking me about my thoughts on things, and has made a safe space for me to freely communicate, whether it be good things and any bad things. Which is so important because I hate confrontation and I am always scared to speak up when someone has made me feel bad intentionally or unintentionally, but he is so empathetic it is easy to tell him stuff. As someone who struggles with overthinking, anxiety, and other things, the way he treats me and who he is as a person and a Daddy Dom has put all of my thoughts and feelings at bay, and only leaving me with this deep longing to just submit to him. Which is very nice and refreshing.

He isn’t intimidating or rough or has this overbearing forced sense of intensity and mysteriousness macho-man vibe, he doesn’t leave me hanging (which a lot of Doms tend to do as a tactic to get subs) he is calm, gentle, kind, nurturing and patient. He is pursuing me, and there is no better feeling as a woman than sitting back and watching a man be intentional with the way he treats you, it brings out a different type of confidence.. I have found myself trying to hold back from calling him Daddy, it is just feeling so natural…because that is how he is treating and making me feel, which is like a Princess.

HOWEVER, I still can’t help but try and jump the gun. They say the sub holds the power in a dynamic? because the sub can end a play session, the sub agrees to the rules, etc. So in that same breath I feel like I have to initiate the beginning of the dynamic. I always have, I reach a point where I just say enough and ask the dom to make me his sub or I ask the dom to be my dom.

I read a blog on Fetlife about how vetting in BDSM is a forgotten art. Now I want to ask what is the “Proper” vetting process? What are the non-negotiable things that need to be put on the table when vetting? Because I personally just “guess” questions or ask whatever comes to mind. How do dynamics start?

tictackid(sub female) - I am interested to hear what are your thoughts and opinions on a Dom or sub being in love with one another?

4 weeks ago

Nirvane(sub female) - I’m a hopeless romantic, so I’m a die-hard for love. In my past dynamics, it was a rule that I said “I love you” to my Dom—something like “Good morning, Daddy. I love you.” In return, I’d get “Good girl.” At the time, I didn’t think much of it because I truly did love my Doms. But after my last dynamic ended, I started to reflect and realized there was an imbalance.

I’ve been with Doms who believed in love but never truly gave it. I had genuine feelings of love and deep attachment to them, but they didn’t always return those emotions in the same way. It wasn’t that they were cruel or dismissive, but love—true, mutual, in love love—wasn’t always a factor in the dynamic. And that’s where I started to see a pattern.

In my personal opinion, there’s often a slight imbalance in how important each partner is within the dynamic. The Dom, in most cases, is the one being prioritized, adored, and centered, while the sub naturally falls into the role of serving, pleasing, and orbiting around them. As a sub, when I enter a dynamic, my Dom becomes my entire world. My thoughts, my actions, my emotions—everything revolves around them. But I’ve noticed that, for many Doms, that level of devotion isn’t always reciprocated in the same way. Their world doesn’t revolve around their sub in the same way that the sub’s does around them.

Now, I’m not saying that subs aren’t important to their Doms. Of course, they are. But there’s often a difference between being valued as a sub and being cherished as a person. There’s a difference between being loved and being in love.

And that’s what I crave. That’s what I need. A Dom and sub may love each other, but are they in love? Because for me, love is everything. I don’t just want to be loved—I want to be in love. I want passion, devotion, and intimacy that goes beyond just the roles we play. I want a connection that lingers outside of scenes, a love that follows me through every part of life, a love that’s felt in every word, every action, every moment.

I don’t just want someone who claims me—I want someone who chooses me, every single day. I want to be with someone who sees me not just as their sub, but as their partner, their equal in love, their person. I want a love that’s deep, mutual, and undeniable—one where I’m not just an extension of them, but a priority to them.

Because at the end of the day, BDSM is one thing, but love? Love is what makes it truly fulfilling for me. Love is what makes it real.

4 weeks ago

KingDom(dom male) - ❤️👏🏾

4 weeks ago

amalthea(sub female) - There is a lot of research and books out there on what to ask. I've learned, do to help from others, to be aware of what my wants and desires are. Also to identify things I don't want. For instance, if I want an irl experience, I need someone close by. How often are they wanting to have communication? How often physical contact? Will they date other people? What are their expectations for you? What do they view collaring to mean? How do they handle conflict in a relationship? What are 3 things things they have learned from previous relationships? What are 3 things they want to improve on? What are they most proud of? How do they handle a safe word. What are their wants and desires? Do the believe in a contract? Is the contract negotiable? What is the difference between slave and submissive?

And I ask silly get to know you questions too.

Make sure you get books about being a submissive and about being a top/dom.

4 weeks ago

Nirvane(sub female) - These are really good questions. and i will definitely be using them, thanks a bunch

4 weeks ago

KingDom(dom male) - Excellent list of questions!

4 weeks ago

Literate Lycan(dom male) - Humorous. They say many things. But saying something doesn't make it true. Both the submissive and the Dominant share power. Before you make arrangements and agree upon them, neither holds more power than the other. The power exchange is agreed upon when both parties has discussed and the dynamic begins. You need to be thorough in your vetting and discussion to understand exactly what sort of exchange occurs and who maintains what responsibility. In the beginning, and in the middle and in the end, both submissive and Dominant can end any session or end a dynamic, and both are just as responsible for maintaining it. To say the submissive holds all the power removes the responsibility of both.

To your point, you don't have to initiate the dynamic. You should both do it together. Which means you might need to be more patient or maybe more direct in your conversations so that you both arrive at the same point together. Perhaps he needs more time to vet you, or maybe he's ready but hasn't quite seen what he needs to see. Or maybe, he finds you are worth the wait and is savoring where you are just a little longer. Ask him. Be direct.

The vetting process should include all your concerns and all his concerns. Discuss everything. Including religion and politics. I know - ugly words for civilized folks - but you really need to know more than what kind of kinks you are both into, or what's your favorite food. He is someone you should respect on all fronts. What are both of your expectations for finances? Who pays for dinner? What are your astrological signs? (Do people care about that? Who knows but asking isn't necessarily silly) What kind of movies do you like? Do you or he enjoy large crowds or small crowds or no crowds? And keep asking questions. What are his responsibilities outside of work and you? What are yours? And then . . . what kind of scenes do you enjoy and how do your fantasies tend to go? How often do you wish to see one another? How often do you NEED to see one another? Are you monogamous? (It's funny how some people really need to have that questions asked and answered)

Once you know a bit more about each other (perhaps you've already covered these) discuss what your expectations for your dynamic. And then negotiate and agree upon them. And remember, the dynamic is you. A living, breathing existence that can and should grow and live. Nurture it.

And suddenly, you find yourself sliding into a dynamic, not slamming into it.

4 weeks ago

Nirvane(sub female) - all you have said makes sense...its a side i didn't quite touch on when i was reflecting on. I especially like what you said at the end about sliding into the dynamic rather than slamming. Which is exactly what i want.

4 weeks ago

intenseoldman(dom male) - This has been a good read. You probably have enough free advice, but you my 2 cents anyway. I was rather struck by how important giving and receiving romantic love is to you and how there has been an unbalanced giving and receiving of the love you need in all of your previous dynamics. You are infatuated now and want to initiate another dynamic, yet you are fearful of patterns in initiating previous dynamics emerging in the initiation of this one you're considering. You're in love right now with the idea of what could be not what is. Be present.
You know you vet yourself in this? You identify your greatest need, how you need to give it and how you need to receive it. Can you wait until you feel the love you need and know it's the quality and quantity you need? Is there more security in being in a dynamic or having that need met? I'm sure that need being met 'slides' into a dynamic just as LL describes.
Wise men know only fools rush in... and maybe we can't help it... but we can slow it down to a slide instead of a slam, right? I wish you the very best!

3 weeks ago

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Nirvane​(sub female)

Nirvana

Vetting?

Nirvane(sub female)