How I Discovered I Was Kinky
If I had to name the moment when I realized I was kinky, I’d have to admit it came from the most cliché place possible: Fifty Shades of Grey.
I was in high school when a friend mentioned the book to me. By then, I was already a hardcore smut romance reader, thanks to Wattpad. That was my secret world, where I spent hours soaking up stories that went far beyond the innocent “boy meets girl” plots everyone else around me seemed obsessed with. So when my friend whispered about this scandalous book, I was curious. I got my hands on it, read the first one in record time, then tore through the second and third like my life depended on it.
I was hooked. Not just in the “this is spicy” way, but in the “something deep inside me feels alive” way.
There’s one memory that still makes me laugh: I was sitting in an exam hall, waiting to write English Paper 3, which is creative writing, "oh the irony".There was still an hour to go before the exam was to start, and instead of quietly revising like a good student, I pulled out my copy of Fifty Shades. My English teacher, who was moderating the exam, walked past my desk. She was a woman who loved literature with her whole soul, and I could see it on her face when she spotted my book. She picked it up, flipped it over, and the look of pure disappointment she gave me was unforgettable. She didn’t even have to say a word...the disapproving head shake she gave as she set the book down and walked away said everything.
Most people would’ve been mortified and shoved the book into their bag. Me? I kept right on reading. Because by then, nothing could stop me. That’s how much it pulled me in.
And it wasn’t just the books. I went on to watch all three movies, and...don’t laugh...alongside The Sound of Music, the Fifty Shades trilogy has become my comfort films. They’re still ones I can put on and sink into like a cozy blanket. But if I’m honest, Fifty Shades was only the spark. The truth is, I had already been circling these ideas for years.
On Wattpad, I was devouring stories that now I realize were all about BDSM dynamics...I just didn’t have the language yet. I would fall in love with the plots where a broken girl, scarred by life, would be taken in by a Daddy Dom who nurtured her with gentleness, calling her “little one” while giving her the safety and structure she craved. Or the rebellious teen who was on the wrong path in life and somehow found herself over a Doms knee everytime she rolled her eyes, punished with firm but caring discipline. Those stories weren’t just entertaining; they made me ache in a way I couldn’t explain. I didn’t know why I kept rereading them, but they resonated with me in a way nothing else did.
When I discovered Fifty Shades, it was like someone finally gave me a vocabulary for the feelings I’d had all along. Suddenly, what I thought was “just me being weird” had names: D/s, DDlg, bondage, control, rules, structure. It wasn’t just about the sex. It was about trust, power, safety, ritual, and intensity all woven together. The contrast of discipline and tenderness, of structure and surrender, made me feel whole. Like I had finally stumbled into a world where my fantasies weren’t only possible....but accepted.
I wouldn’t say Fifty Shades alone made me kinky. But it was the first time I saw myself reflected in something outside of my own imagination. It put a face, a story, and a definition to the secret world I’d been carrying inside me. From there, I dove deeper, exploring more stories, more blogs, and eventually the BDSM community itself.
So yes, my origin story is cliché. But it’s mine. And when I look back now, I see that teenage girl reading in the exam hall with her teacher glaring down at her, and I smile. Because she had no idea then that the book in her hands wasn’t just a guilty pleasure...it was the doorway to a part of herself she’d keep uncovering for years to come.
And i am proud and glad to be kinky because i would not have it any other way
Xoxo
Nirvana