This a raw unedited post of how i am feeling in the moment. I may delete it later but i just wanted to write and post it.
I am currently feeling like I am back at square one. I find it really hard acknowledging that I have fallen back into a pattern I have been working. It feels embarrassing especially after discussing my progress made. Ironically i am worried for all the wrong reasons....i more worried about what people will think of me and what they think of my relapse. And that to me is really terrifying.
Today was particularly TOO MUCH for me to handle. My brain is all over the place and i am struggling to pin point or put into words what i am feeling and why...but i just feel off. On one hand i am telling myself that my feelings are valid and i have legit reasons to feel what i am feeling...but on the other hand i am feeling like i am crazy for feeling the way i am feeling like i am overreacting and just looking too much into it. But then i sit back and ask myself WHAT AM I EVEN FEELING? and i do not have an answer and it is driving me the wall. All i know is that i feel OFF and i don't like the way i am feeling.
Does it make me a hypocrite when i change my mind on something I was okay with but now i am not okay with it??? Does it mean i go back on my word?? Do i have double standards??? what does it even mean. Its not that i am not okay with it, i am just not happy with the fine print the T's & C"s of the whole thing. As a whole i am okay with it...but a specific aspect just doesn't sit well with me. Does it mean i don't agree with the whole thing entirely, i do not think it does but i still feel bad.
Today i was passive aggressively body shamed by my boss for the 3rd time in the span of 3 weeks. And everyone is telling me to ignore it and justifying my boss. But i call it bs...i recently decided to start working out for both health reasons and to just feel better overall about myself. So it really hit home today, i have always been prone to body shaming but i usually take it all with a pinch of salt. But today was just so much worse for me honestly
To put it all into perspective my work uniform was delivered today and my boss was not in at the time and asked me to try it on and take pictures which i was okay with until she began to insist that it is tight and proceeded to ask me to take a video moving and stretching the material for her to see. even after the video she insisted it was tight which it was not. She designed the uniforms and before placing the order for my uniform she personally measured me and from there we together determined the size she would order.
she came in later in the afternoon and i asked her if i should wear the uniform to work tomorrow and she said she is not sure so i suggested i try it on so that she can see in person that it is not tight and i am comfortable in in. i tried it on and went to show her and she was more sold on her idea. She inspected it made me touch my toes, squat and raise my arms and stretch. when that was done she instructed me to turn around so she could see how it looked from the back. and i stood there in utter shock at how she was behaving. i could see the utter judgement and slight disgust on her face as she decided that it is too tight and she would be getting the rest of the uniform but in a size bigger.
her reasoning is what floored me...she said she is getting the bigger size because my "woman assets" are too big and will draw too much attention and that i am TOO busty so the uniform is tight. i felt so defeated to be honest. because what do you even mean this how i am built...now writing this i am laughing because what on earth,,,mind you she wears the exact same uniform and it is "tight" on her as well. anyway i am over this right now
i am at a crossroad and feeling like not acknowledging my feelings because i am blowing it out of proportion and worried about how my feelings may be viewed and standing my ground on how i feel regardless of them being valid or not.
I wouldn't say i feel any better after writing this but i feel relieved after getting it off my chest.