Second pot of coffee in and I’m finally strong enough to put my mind and ramblings down... it’s a step, an enormous leap for me actually, to be so “selfish” as to indulge myself. And therein lies the confusion: that constant internal battle that has overwhelmed my life.
I’m a sub. That is who I am. Some people are straight, some people are gay, some people are trans or bi or non-binary. I’m a sub. But I’m a sub who has suppressed and gotten by with pleasing others in day-to-day life and satisfying that urge inside me just to hide who and what I am. I’m the one that will read and research and know every last thing about something going on in ordinary life for someone else, just so I can get my “good girl” from a random friend or family member or even a member of a group or committee I’m on. They don’t understand why though, and that breaks me sometimes. But I digress...
My battle: I’m having to put myself first in all of this. I’m having to analyse my wants, my needs, my kinks, my cravings. I haven’t done this before. I have never in my life put myself first. There, I’ve said it. This is the source of my confusion. This is singularly the most confusing aspect of all of this for me. People ask me here: what do you want? I don’t know... But the fact that I can’t be what some of you want, that’s almost more difficult...
The “battle” begins in the mornings... What would X want me to do if I entered a dynamic with them? Will that affect my life and being a mum, being a friend, being a confidante, being a committee member? Its making me try to categorise every aspect of my life into necessary and unnecessary to see if I can fit them. I can’t handle disappointing someone, it breaks my heart and soul into tiny little fragments all the time.... I’m in “control” right now, I have to be, that choice isn’t there nor has it been since I’ve been a mother. How do I make that work in a dynamic? How do I finally put myself first and just let go?
