Lack of Negotiation is still Negotiating
I've seen this come up repeatedly on negotiations in different forms. Ie:
*Why wont my D/M/T negotiate with me?
*I'll get around to it / I'll figure it out as I go.
*I didnt know how/what to negotiate.
*Why do I need to negotiate if I'm no limits
Here's the thing, in my ultra humble opinion, in all those cases: you all ready did. Negotiate that is....you negotiated there would be no negotiations.
*Already in that relationship/dynamic? You negotiated that you would freely enter without knowing the terms.
*Other half says they dont? Still went ahead? You again by agreeing negotiated that you accepted they dont negotiate.
*You're going to wait and see to figure it out? Still that unspoken negotiation of anything goes until you do "get around to it".
*You are No limits? Yup, you negotiated that. Hope it works out well for you. Cause that stuff you dont think is included in "no limits" wasnt negotiated not to be, was it?
For me, Negotiations start from the minute I meet someone. And most people do if we stop to think and break it down.
Really, MsN ? From the minute you introduce yourself? Yes, from the minute I decide whether to introduce myself or shake your hand, negotiations have started and I accept and expect that from the other as well.
"Hello, My name is J. Can I ask you're name? May I shake your hand?"
Others can decide to accept my negotiation for introduction and contact or decline or amend further negotiations.
"Nice to meet you J. I would rather talk and get to know you before sharing my name but a handshake would be fine".
But MsN that's not negotiating that's just communication. Yes! It is both if you really break it down. You negotiate by deciding what to share and what further interaction you were comfortable with at that moment and you communicate it. The sooner you start communicating with a negotiating mind the easier it will be to communicate when the time comes for the real nitty gritty negotiations. Lack of negotiation is really just a lack of communication but it still is negotiating. Negotiations are part of almost any communication. Whether we take responsibility for it or acceptance that there was none is still Negotiating.
So introducing myself is my first negotiation. Do I feel ready or willing fo share that information? Are they willing to reciprocate in like? Once and if that is established the negotiations may or may not continue. Everything is negotiations. Do you shake hands or hug? Are you interested in communicating? How much will you allow yourself to be involved with said person?
Every question answered and next move forward is a move on the chess board. Negotiations build and are added to and sometimes subtracted from. Eventually the goal is to have completely negotiated and be in a mutually agreed upon dynamic where both (or more) are fully aware of what each has negotiated.
The problem I have seen is that it's become common practice to believe that they arent needed until in most cases something has happened that make one wish they had already done so. Hindsight and all that mess. Or negotiations dont start before the "feels" do. One enters into a relationship because one feels they have a connection. Then say "now let's negotiate" to see if the other feels the same way. When the other doesnt it or feels/expects differently; it brings out the wish woulda knowns. Which could have would have if negotiations had been first not second to the emotion.
Saying we didn't negotiate or the lack or unwillingness to do so isnt a get out of jail card later if going in you are fully aware that you didnt negotiate. Because you did. On a silent unspoken and personal level you did. You negotiated with yourself that you would do, proceed, enter and agree to, you guessed it: lack of negotiations.
If you're good with that great. If not, Start rethinking your way of negotiating or lack there of. If you are new to all this, it is all that more important to know at least basic negotiations. There are a ton of resources on different ways to go about it and what to include in them. The point of this writing is to point out that the lack of does not equate out to none.
If someone is telling you dont need to negotiate, you really do need to. I'll stop short of demanding it or saying its mandatory but at least ask yourself why or what reason they would have to tell you that you shouldnt negotiate. No, "you can trust me", really isnt a good enough reason. And guess what? You will have negotiated either way by either accepting their request or refusing to continue until they do.
To conclude: Maybe, just maybe, if we all start putting the idea of negotiating first we wont be asking later why its lacking.
