"You're going to be late for school..." Mom says. It's a quarter till 8. I'm frantically getting dressed, and we head out the door. Sometimes I'm driving my own car, but often Mom or Dad is driving us. And on the way there, I'm thinking to myself, why do I have to do this all over again? How long has it been now, 20 years, 30? Do I really WANT to do this over again? NO! What were the chain of misfortunes that led me to this? They screwed up and lost the records, lost the transcripts, and/or my diploma was invalidated. It turns out I needed more credits after all. Or, I need more vocational training but need to go back and re-enroll to get it. Or, some clerical error. Or, who knows; Mom and Dad are making me do this just to get me out of the house.
But it's always the same. Go back...and repeat...my senior year... of high school.
Sometimes, if I'm driving myself, I'll get part way there and realize, hey, it WAS 20,30 years ago, I've been done with that place for the last 30 years, there is no reason to go back, and so no; I really DONT need to do this. I'll just head to the beach, head to the mountains, go shopping, maybe look for a real job. But other times, I make it there, get my class schedule, sit through first period, second period, third... and sometimes it's the current crop of kids, the kids of the 90's, 2000s, or whatever the current year is. A true fresh start. But sometimes it's the same snooty, mean-spirited and unlikeable assholes I remember back then. The belligerent, racist kid who always picked fights with everyone. That snarky lil' napolian type guy who always talked smack and ran away (or hid behind his bigger, tougher buddies) when confronted. The snooty kids with their fake, condescending, poke-a-stick-at-the-monkey, pretending to be nice while still mocking you, kind of interactions. These were kids whose parents bought them cars for their 16th birthdays- girls usually got a VW convertible, guys got a sporty car- and who would go off on weekends up to their family ski cabin in Tahoe to party. I was, needless to say, never invited to those Tahoe ski cabin parties, (My parents certainly did not own any such property) and I eventually bought my own car with my own money- which I had earned after a summer of working at my first job.
These were not good times. I never really felt like I found my tribe there. I was young, maybe a bit socially awkward and isolated, until I ended up bonding with this group of alternative school kids I had met from my first job. These were the down-to-earth, genuine, interesting people I had never managed to find at the regular school. I was envious of them, I wanted to drop out and go to the alternative school, but my parents wouldn't let me. "They don't have good college prep or AP (advanced placement) courses there," they said. But at least, meeting those guys was my saving grace. And of course, afterwards, college was all the fun, socializing, personal growth, and friendships that I had missed out on in high school.
So then why don't I have more dreams about the FUN times in college? Maybe a part of me thinks, that somehow if I COULD do those high school years over, having the insights, wisdom, and experience that I have now, it would turn out better. I would be the cool, confident guy instead of the clueless socially awkward one. But not only does it "not work that way" but even if I could- even if I was different- there would be no guarantee that the same snooty, condescending people would not have changed, and that I still would have to deal with the same BS. I might be better at coping with the BS, but that wouldn't guarantee it wouldn't still be there.
In any case, I don't want to go back. The past is dead and buried, I'm happy with my life now, and hopefully I'll dream something more pleasant tonight. Anyway, thanks for reading.
Oh. and PS: The bot who was messaging me the other day, "Mistress Blout...." Well, as of yesterday evening, "Profile Does Not Exist." I am frankly not surprised. I do want to take the time here, to thank Villanelle and the staff for doing all they can at keeping these bots from cluttering up the site.