I suppose I should make a "New years resolution" post because, well, it IS a new year, and yes, I have made some resolutions. Maybe by next December I'll tell you about them, hopefully after keeping all of those resolutions. I'd rather not disappoint myself (and anyone else reading this.)
Instead, I will bring up something else: I read Mistress Kay's excellent article yesterday on the issue of shame in BDSM. Her article really moved me, because she described exactly what I have experienced in my journey, and with wrestling with these kinds of feelings. I won't quote the entire article, other than suggest people read it, but I know exactly what she was talking about so it struck a chord with me.
"Bingeing and purging" is basically trying to overcome an addiction to kink and BDSM due to shameful feelings of guilt associated with it, and giving it up- vowing to banish all such desires forever. But inevitably failing, and falling back into the cycle of trying to fulfill these kinks, whether online or (preferably) with another person.
I guess with me, I should discuss where this guilt comes from. To summarize, most of it comes from the difficulty, or even impossibility, to find a meaningful, lasting and romantic relationship. Or finding the closeness and companionship that I desperately desire, while burdened with these underlying kinks that most partners find unacceptable, and are unwilling to fulfill. So I try to give it up, bury it, and suppress this side of me. Because it is not fair to my romantic partner to ask her to do things which most "nice" vanilla girls would find creepy and/or gross. Or which would make my date run away screaming and never call me again.
When I first discovered this "hidden" aspect of sexuality, I was overcome with some of the most powerful sexual feelings imaginable, and made a lot of mistakes that newbies do. One of the things I quickly realized is that no, there just isn't a whole plethora of women out there looking for that kind of relationship. Out of those few that are, many of them have vastly different relationship goals- be it true slavery in the classic (non-sexual) sense, or, simply a "Sugar daddy." The two times I was involved with BDSM relationships, the first one wanted the former- After no more than two or three dates, she expected us to have a total 24/7, non-sexual slavery relationship. Which scared me off. The second one was the latter: She was a pro-domme who, though she did fulfill a lot of my inner kinks at first- which was wonderful- she WAS only a professional. And thus, there was no romance, no deeper or lasting connection, despite the fact that I did really like her. But as fun as it was at first, it quickly progressed to the point where it became clear that her only real "kink" was in getting me to spend as much money on her as possible. I became little more than a cash cow to be milked. Sure some guys are into that; this is fine, but it wasn't what I wanted. So I broke it off.
Both times, I exited these relationships and vowed to give up kink for good. This is not the way to a happy or healthy relationship, and so it wasn't what I wanted, I decided. I was done with that. But yet somehow, whether it was a vivid erotic dream, or stumbling across an erotic story online, or merely seeing a hot girl in public, and somehow my mind imaging them holding the looped end of a leash around my balls- those thoughts would return.
It is not as easy for a submissive guy as it is for a submissive woman, or even a dominant of either sex. I say this not to be a "whiny and pathetic sub" but merely to point out that the numbers bear that out, even in the kink community. There are a lot more male subs than there are dominant females, and male subs are not always held in high regard. My town used to have a small tightly knit BDSM group and I contacted them once, but they were really close knit, and the group seemed to be geared almost exclusively towards male dominants and female submissives. As a single guy who was submissive, I would not have felt welcome. At least they were honest and polite when they let me know this.
Aside from the numbers game, there have been times where as a submissive male, I have been kink-shamed and as a result, have done some deep self-reflection on my own deep inner desires- causing yet another "Binge and purge" cycle. I once posted an erotic story on Literotica, about a man who falls in love with, proposes to and marries his dream domme. The story depicted rather explicit acts of cuckolding, forced bisexualty, flogging/spanking, and toilet play. I had to take it down. Almost everyone who read it made it very clear in their comments that they found it offensive and inappropriate, and demanded that I not only remove that story, but leave the site entirely. As a result, I took down not only that offending story, but the other three BDSM-themed works I had published previously. I can admit that perhaps I miscalculated by posting that story there- for example, something that outside the mainstream probably doesn't fit will with a mainstream audience. That was my fault; you don't book Deicide, Mayhem, or Cannibal Corpse to play at your Christian Youth Picnic (for example). You have to know your audience. But still, the shame and guilt from that experience let me to try hard- and ultimately fail- to bury these feelings for good. So again, I purged those kinky thoughts from my mind, vowing never again to let my sexuality fall down the rabbit hole.
Even on this site, I have experienced it a little bit. Granted, most people on this site are wonderful, open, and accepting. I have tried to be the same, even realizing that certain kinks/dynamics clearly aren't my thing. A self-describe dominant female on this very site once complained in several threads about "all the cringy posts from submissive males." While another dominant male once claimed that I was violating God's commandment by submitting to a woman, since it was against his view of Christianity. As a Christian myself who believes in God's love and Jesus's sacrifice, that one really bothered me.
But I don't want to sound ungrateful for all of the awesome and wonderful people on here, both male and female, dominant and submissive. Especially to Mistress Kay whose wonderful article moved me to write this. I guess I can say, my own journey is still continuing and I am still struggling with guilt, and maybe still doing a little bingeing and purging. Perhaps I will find my dream Goddess someday. If not, perhaps my love for my non-kinky partner will overcome these inner "dirty" thoughts, and I will have the courage and strength to give her the love that she wants and deserves- even if that doesn't involve scratching my own deep inner kinky desires. I hope so.
