Ev's kink corner

*insert cheesy 1950s educational film narrator voice here*

Meet Billy, an average swell guy who has some kinky fantasies he wants to experience. Well, don't we all. Hello there, little Billy!

Billy here has discovered an ONLINE KINK FORUM, and he wants to pick up a spiffy girl to be his play partner. Golly, how's he gonna do that?

Why, he just might be able to meet one if he SENDS A MESSAGE!

But wait, Billy, not so fast!

See, if you just send a message that says "hey," or "sup," or "how are u," you're probably not going to get to meet that girl. Why is that, Billy? What did you say? She must be frigid?

No, Billy, no. It's not that she doesn't want to have hot, carnal, kinky, sweaty fun with anyone. It's that she doesn't want to have it with YOU. Wanna know why?

She doesn't want to have it with YOU because you've shown absolutely no effort, and expressed no personality. There's nothing for her to work with. You're reaching out to her, and expecting her to do all the work leading a conversation. No, Billy, no! You need to give her a REASON to want to talk to you. Let's try again, ok guy?

OH NO Billy, you are typing "I want to suck ur titties, whore." Oh, Billy, what would happen if you went up to Marsha Hendersen out in front of the ice cream shoppe and said that thing? You'd get a knee to the jimmy, that's what!

Don't be a crass, gross, disrespectful motherfucker, Billy.

You see, even if Marsha does want to be tied up and called a whore whilst getting them titties sucked on, she won't want YOU to do it with that approach.

Billy, if you want to meet a partner, you've got be respectful and interesting. You've got to show respect, put your best foot forward, and give her a reason to like and trust you!

Let me help you out here a little, tiger! Instead of a no-effort short message that gives no indication as to your intentions or personality, try writing a polite introduction like a grown-ass adult. Introduce yourself. Start with your name, even if it is your screen name- but don't ask her to call you "Master" or "Sir" or "slavey mc-ass-slave." Titles are negotiated, agreed-upon things. They involve CONSENT. You know, that thing that is vital in the lifestyle? Yeah! That thing!
Tell her a little bit about yourself. How long have you been in the lifestyle. What you do for a living. What your hobbies and interests are. What you liked about her profile.

What's that? You didn't READ HER PROFILE before you went to message her? OH NO, bad Billy, bad!

See, you might see Marsha's photo and think she is awfully swell, but if you are a daddy dom looking for a baby girl, you're gonna want to read her profile. Oh dear, looks like Marsha is a massive strap-on loving femdomme who enjoys giving extreme CBT! Also, she's married and not looking for partners. You almost made a real ass out of yourself there, Billy. That wouldn't have been fun, would it?

See, profiles usually have pretty important information in them. Who the person your are looking at the name or photo of is. Where they live. Their relationship status. What they are looking for. If their profile doesn't have this information, then respectfully ask!

No, don't ask her how many fingers she enjoyes rammed up her wahoo. That's not an appropriate introductory question, Billy, come on now!

Let's look at Phoebe's profile over here. Golly, she seems nice! She's local to you, and looking for in person play instead of online, just like you! But is she monogamous or poly? Is she a sub or a domme? She doesn't say, but she does like photography and sock hops, just like you. She even enjoys the Gutters of Gorgemghast series, so you have some stuff in common. You've never heard of Lexx though, what kind of show is that?

Here, let me write a little letter for you to send to Phoebe, so you can see how it works!

"Good evening Phoebe,
My name is Billy! I hope you are having a good day.
I came across your profile tonight, and I noticed that we live in the same area. That's afwul swell!

Say, I noticed that you are into photography and sock hops. Me too! You have excellent taste in reading, too. I've never heard of Lexx, can you tell me about it, if you don't mind? What's the last photography project you did?
Hey, so it looks like you are seeking a real life play partner. Awesome, me too! I'm a monogamous sub. How about you?
Please feel free to check out my profile. Would you like to chat a bit on here, maybe get to know each other a bit?
Thank you so much for your time,
-Billy.

You see, Billy, this letter is polite, it's respectful, and it doesn't sound like a wankpuffin rolled his face on his keyboard because he was too busy jacking off to use his hands. Pretty charming! It acknowledges Phoebe as a human being, and shows that you made an effort to read her profile and write her an actual personal letter instead of copying and pasting a form letter, spewing vile stuff at a nonconsenting person like a meth addicted sex offender, or being the laziest, most boring lump of flesh that ever wasted oxygen! It opens up a number of conversation topics, and asks for ACTIVE CONSENT to engage in some interaction. It isn't pressuring her to jump on Skype so you can whack off/select your next murder target. It is interesting. It shows a willingness to connect as a person, and a desire to learn new things. Super!

So go on ahead, little Billy. Fill out your profile, write a nice introduction, and have a respectful conversation like an adult. And remember, if you have to announce that you are a supremely confident super cool TWOO DOM, you probably are actually really insecure. So, you know. Just be chill, be polite. Intensity, perversity, deep connection, and fun, all come with building trust, communicating effectively, expressing mutual respect, and establishing CONSENT.

Now, go on out there and give it a shot, Billy. Remember, if she says no to something, RESPECT HER BOUNDARIES, and have fun!

*This public service video is brought to you by EvCo! Please feel free to apply any gender identities or orientations you wish to this advice, and stay safe out there!*

Look,
I'm sure some people want to just use some other messaging app because it's more convenient, but honestly, like 95% of the time, someone who demands kik, skype, hangouts, whatsapp, or whatever, are angling for one of two things:

1. A quick wank at my expense
2. A scam.


The one time I humored someone and installed kik, they immediately tried to rope me into a money laundering scam.

Really!

I have no reason to give random strangers immediate access to me via some other chat program. All these low effort motherfuckers who cannot even carry on a normal conversation on here aren't going to suddenly improve because they are saying "hey what's up" on kik instead of on a kink site mail system. 

What possible motivation could I have for chatting with you in another app when you have displayed  zero personality and given me no reason to be interested in talking to you? 

I swear, sometimes it is actually hard to tell the difference between a bot and someone who is just really bad at humaning, or at least, someone who can't be bothered to even TRY to socialize like a normal person. 

So yeah, I have chat apps.

No, unless we have got to know each other a bit, I'm sure as hell not connecting to you on them, rando.

Last night, after Thai food, and watching some silly videos, my beloved Master took me.

Such a joy it is to let go, to feel his hands on my body, his strong arm around my neck, his hips slamming agianst me.

The ways he got me turned on, building and building, were so good and intense, that I was cumming the whole time he fucked me. So good, so damned good, and after, we laid together in my vast bed, limbs tangled together, sweat commingling, his breath in my hair, his scent in my nostrils.

I am so very blessed to have Ashigeru. 

Good gods people. If someone isn't your partner and they haven't consented,don't fuckin' call them shit like,

"slavegirl" 
"slut"
"boy"
"babygirl"
"little one"
"mistress" 

Etc, etc, etc. It's presumptuous, and it's trying to place them into a position in your life that they didn't agree to. It's not impressive. It doesn't prove your dominance or submission. It's pushy and rude. 

STAHHHHHP

This is something I need to keep in mind, too, because it's something I struggled with in the past.

Submissives, you have power, too.

You choose to give power to those whom you consent to submit to, but you can say no. You can revoke consent. You can even stop that TPE relationship. No contract from our lifestyle that says otherwise is legally binding.

Remember this. Remember. You have the right, and you ARE right, to say no to something that will truly harm you. To say no to something you don't want to do, that will make you feel bad about yourself, that will dredge up old trauma, that will hurt you in a bad way.

Yes, even if your dominant is pushing for it.

Yes, even if you are afraid they will be upset with you if you stand up for yourself and assert those boundaries.

A good dominant will accept "I don't want to do this, I am not comfortable, I am not ready, this is a hard limit," even if it wasn't a hard limit before. Even if it might not be in the future.

A good dominant will respect you, just as you, as a good submissive, will respect them.

You need to use your words. You need to use your rights. You need to protect yourself. Your dominant cannot really read your mind. If they are a good dominant, they will not want to harm you. They will not want to make you feel like shit. They will not want you to be injured. They will not want you to fall down the rabbit hole of endless flashbacks, if you have PTSD.

They won't push. They won't threaten to leave you just because you set a boundary. They won't frighten and bully you into saying yes to something you don't feel okay with.

If they do, then you have the power to walk away. It's so goddamned hard to sometimes, but you know what?

Not all that yields is weak.

Remember that, from Kushiel's Dart?

Not all that yields is weak.

You have the right and the power to change your mind. Where you are at, and what is healthy or unhealthy for you, can change from day to day.

You need to let them know where you are at. You need to let them know if something would likely cause harm, even if, on another day, it wouldn't.

You need to let them know, if you can, before something becomes harmful. Before it poisons the relationship. Before it ends up harming you both.

This all seems so simple. It all seems so obvious. But it gets exponentially harder when you are in that submissive headspace. When you have been conditioned to submit. When you are overcome with the urge to please, the desire to take everything they want to dish out, for them. When "I'm very disappointed right now" is just so devastating. When you get caught up, and the endorphins start to flood just from talking to them. Just from thinking about them.

You still can say no. You can. Push yourself to, if you need to. Value yourself. By valuing yourself, you value your partner. By protecting yourself, you are respecting your dominant, because you are respecting what is theirs. You are taking proper care of what is theirs.

We have, in this lifestyle, a covenant of trust. It goes both ways. We submissives need to trust that our dominants will keep us safe and not trample our boundaries. Our dominants need to trust that we will let them know when something's not ok, and not hide things that will cause harm to us, them, and maybe their reputation, as well.

Even though it's hard as hell.

You CAN say no. Even if, in the past, you negotiated that away. Life changes. Things change. You might change. Circumstances might change. You can still say no.

And sometimes, you should.

So, little back story, dude messages me wanting to be "friends." I tell him sure, we can be friends. No online play, no long distance relationships, but friendship is a-ok.

After a few messages back and forth, he's asking for my bra and panty size, wanting to know all about my ass, etc, etc. I say no. He tries to cyber-dom me. I laugh at him and say I already told him no. He tries to cyber dom me again, and says he's gonna kidnap me. I tell him that I've choked out much stronger men than him, and that it's not gonna happen. He's a switch, and he acts like he's now indimidated, and wants to cyber with me topping him. I tell him that is also not going to happen, unless he's into blow torches and oil drums. 

Dude is so thirsty he says "yeah maybe, sounds interesting."

So I send him this:

"

Uh ok guy, sure, just this once, I'll give you a little cyber role play scenario, since you wouldn't accept my "no" boundary. Have one (1) fantasy role play scene, free of charge, involving 55 gallon drums and a blowtorch.

Your hands and feet are turning purple, but it doesn't really matter. I pull out some tarp, a chainsaw, and a lot of jugs of bleach. The 55 gallon drums sit, waiting patiently to receive you. I gag you so you cannot scream, and cut you into pieces, placing your limbs in one drum, your torso in another, your hands and feet in one paint can, and your head in another, after knocking out all of your teeth. I use the blow torch to obliterate any tattoos or identifying marks you may have, as well as burning off your finger and toe prints.
The tarp goes into the drum with your torso.
The teeth, I take and pulverize, scattering the powdered remains in a river 50 miles away.
The paint can with the head in it gets buried out in the woods 100 miles away.
A different brand of paint can from another store containing your hands and feet are buried 83 miles south of the first paint can.
The oil drums have some holes in them and are loaded up with cement, then dropped into the ocean 32 miles out to sea.
A brief search happens, but after a while the case goes cold and gets shelved.

13 years later, somebody finds a paint can with the head inside, but without any teeth, it's pretty impossible for even a good forensic anthropologist to identify the remains.

The end."

He still doesn't get it and begs to be my cyber-captive/torture victim instead, so I block him. 

I really enjoyed that book about forensic anthropology that I read 19 years ago, but I hadn't realized just how useful it'd turn out to be!

NOTE: I recently wrote this for a group which mostly contains female readers of male dom, female sub dynamic BDSM erotica. Please feel free to apply this list to any gender identity on the spectrum, and any number of partners in a D/s dynamic. After reading the stories, which are fantasies, I realized that, while it is fine in a fantasy, IRL a lot of the behavior of these characters is NOT OK, and I worry that a lot of people will read them and then go out into the world thinking that it is what is normal and "expected."

It's some important stuff for us all to keep in mind- doms, subs, experienced, and new.

I also want to note that there are red flags that apply to submissives as well! Doms are just as human, and deserve to stay physically, emotionally, and legally safe, too.

Hey, how about a wee discussion?

The topic: RED FLAGS!

I've seen a quote floating about, and it's so very true- "it's hard to see red flags when you're wearing rose colored glasses."

A new dom who can make you feel amazing, intense things can be really intoxicating. Addictive, even. When your heart races and your breath catches in your throat, when he's made you orgasm until your thighs are trembling and you can't even stand any more, you may find yourself inclined to ignore warning signs. I know I have this problem. But really we shouldn't!

Here are some red flags that are worth paying attention to!

1. He acts offended by the thought of safewords, wanting to see STD test results, safe calls, asking for references, asking around about him, wanting to meet in public or play in public only at first, setting hard limits, or letting someone know where you will be. This is a MAJOR red flag. Does he have something to hide? Will he really respect your limits? Will he really be safe? Does he care about you feeling safe, and your safety?

2. Something in your gut has you worried, and you want to work it out. You have just started getting involved, and he demands absolute trust, getting angry if you don't give him 100% of your trust immediately. That's not how trust works. Trust is built. A good dominant will work through things with you. You both will need to slowly prove trustworthiness to each other. (This DOES apply to subs, too!) He needs the maturity and perspective to understand that, even if he KNOWS he is actually trustworthy, you aren't really going to know that yourself until you've had time and experience with him. (let's just consider genders interchangeable here.)

3. He does or says something hurtful, scary, upsetting, etc, and if you express your feelings about it, he shuts you down. He gets angry and scary about it- how DARE you react negatively to something he said or did to you? He acts like the victim when he hurt you. This is a red flag for an abuser. Everyone upsets or hurts the person they care about occasionally. How it is handled after, and how often it is handled, is VERY telling.

4. When you set boundaries, real boundaries, he runs over them without your consent. No. Nonononono. NO. The heart of dominance is CONSENT. Limits and boundaries are there for a reason. They must be respected. Some may be re-negotiated, but that is with everyone's informed, enthusiastic consent. Not because of constant pressure.

5. Constantly threatening abandonment, or punishing with abandonment when you really didn't do anything wrong. Unless this is negotiated, it can be used abusively and it can really mess you up. Unless you are really ok with that, don't put up with that crap! It's awful. It's a tool an abusive dom will use to manipulate you into things you aren't really ok with at all, or to shut you down when he is harming you, for fear of being abandoned.

6. He isolates you from your friends and family. Run. RUN.

7. He is nasty and abusive to people around him. Waitstaff, store employees, friends and family. Treats everyone like they should be his slave and soak up his abuse- without their consent. This guy isn't a dom. He's just an asshole.

8. You find yourself thinking a lot "that hurt, that wasn't ok, but he said he'd change, it'll be different this time. If I just love him better, give more, he will change, he won't be like this any more." No, he'll always be like that. Humans rarely change their behavior patterns.

9. You've been with him for a while, and everything was great, but suddenly he's changing, he's hurting you in a bad way, he isn't respecting boundaries, isn't respecting you. You're scared to tell him how you feel, scared to let yourself be yourself. You try to talk about it, and he shuts you down, is nastier, etc. Unless he's going through some huge temporary thing and really making an effort to not be an ass, this is probably what he's really like, now that he has reeled you in.

10. He is trying to control your life in ways you didn't agree to and aren't ok with. He breaks or steals or throws away your property without your consent. He tries to make you get rid of your pets, or he hurts them. Ruuuuuuun.

11. "If you were a TRUE sub, you would,"

Fuck this negging bullshit. True submissives are people who truly get something out of being submissive, and have an inclination in some part of their life to be submissive. But a bad dom will use that "twoo" argument to pressure or abuse their sub. "If you were a TRUE sub, you wouldn't have any desires of your own, and would ONLY get pleasure from pleasing me!" Dude, you don't want an actual human sub. You want a realdoll. You aren't ready for the responsibility of a human being. "If you were a TRUE sub, you would have a higher pain treshold." No, no no no no. Everyone has different pain thresholds. It has NOTHING to do with whether or not they are a sub! "If you were a TRUE sub, you wouldn't have boundaries or limits with me!" Fuck you buddy. I sure the hell would. This isn't Reality of Gor. This is Reality of Reality. Again, get a realdoll. Being a sub doesn't mean you are weak, can't have boundaries, can't keep yourself emotionally and physically safe from harm, can't be a powerful person... hell, the most powerful in vanilla life people I've met in the lifestyle have been subs. It's a balance thing. I know people who are submissive or dominant in pretty much every aspect of their life, but they are rare, and I worry a bit for them, hoping they have some outlet that gives them balance.

Look, a truly healthy relationship is one in which everyone is happy and fulfilled, and everyone's world gets bigger, not smaller. This is even very much the case with D/s. Everyone should be getting what they need, and at least most of what they want. It should be a thing of joy. Enthusiastic consent. Both doms and subs are HUMAN BEINGS. Real people, with real emotional and physical needs. Not a fantasy. Not a prop. Sometimes they might enjoy playing the part of a prop, but that, again, should be with their enthusiastic consent.

12. Punishing a submissive for having a hard limit. Double red flag for punishing her for it by forcing or manipulating the breaking of another hard limit. This has happened to me in the past. I was truly scared of that dom at that point, and equally scared he would just up and abandon me. Never again. Never a-fucking-gain! NEVER. Hold strong. It's hard as hell, but hold strong.

Thoughts? Anything to add?

So, you have a preference for people who are significantly younger or older than you. Awesome! I actually do, too. I'm what is called a "teleiophile." This means that I have a preference for partners who are significantly older than I am. For me, personally, this is not a hard and fast rule, simply a preference. I would consider someone my age. I would consider someone younger than me, though it is less likely.

Recently another term has come into being- the other side of that coin. A "jungophile" is someone who prefers people who are significantly younger than they are. Let's try and keep that to consenting adults please, folks.

Now, there's nothing wrong with this preference, between consenting adults. It doesn't automatically mean someone has daddy issues, or is creepy, or any other such thing. It is a preference. It's OK!

So, I'm going to address a few things here, about age gap relationships. There is is an ongoing issue I see that makes things crappier for everybody, and there is an assumption I see a lot. There are challenges with these sorts of relationships, as well, but they can be well worth it.

First, let's take a look at a very common assumption-

Q: "People who are into someone way younger/older than them are into ageplay, right? They want mommies and daddies or littles or something, yeah?"

A: Not necessarily. Just as not all people into D/s are into pain, and not all people into pain are into D/s, not everyone into age play has an age gap, and not every kinky relationship with an age gap is into age play. Sure, you can find plenty of age gap dynamics that are into age play, but there are also a ton of age gap relationships that have none of that.

Me? I'm an adult, I always think of myself as an adult, and I'm looking to play with an adult. I can be flexible with a partner. I can experiment. Hell, I've had a dom or two get me to call them "daddy" in a scene because they were really into it. But it isn't something I am looking for, and it isn't a kink of mine. I am not looking for a daddy, and I am not looking to roleplay as a little girl. I just love me some silver foxes.

Either type of dynamic is totally OK! It's just best to not assume.

OK. Now to something that is a problem I see online. Hypocrisy, and crappy attitudes. It's about entitlement and not recognizing that other people have just as much of a right to their own preferences as you do to yours.

Look, the more specific your preferences are, the harder it will be to find a partner. That's reality. Wanting someone because they tick off your boxes doesn't mean you tick off theirs. Wanting someone doesn't entitle you to their time, their body, or anything else.

What I see far too much of is someone complaining and wanting to know how they can get people, usually young people, to play with/date/fuck/etc them when they say they are not interested in doing so because of the age gap.

How do you get them to give themselves to you?

YOU DON'T.

I've seen people cry "age discrimination" and then go on to bash the people they want, whist stating that they are unwilling to date people their own age. OK, so listen- you can't have it both ways. If YOU won't date people your own age, you can't demand that OTHER PEOPLE date people your own age. Why do you get to have an age group preference, but other people don't? Because you want them, so you should have them? Nope. It doesn't work that way.

Teleiophiles are not very common. If you insist on only dating teleiophiles who fall into a specific age range, and not dating people your own age or older, your potential dating pool is going to be a lot smaller. You can't force people who are not OK with an age gap to be OK with it.

Don't make it harder for everybody by throwing a fit when a young person only wants to date their own age group, while you refuse to date your own age group. It's pretty simple stuff. Just don't act like you are being personally wronged by other people's preferences. Everyone doesn't exist to please you. Just as it is ok for you to have preferences, it is equally ok for others to have preferences that aren't compatible with you.

Aaaanyway, bit of a rant there, because I've seen that sort of thing over and over again. It won't ever win you any partners, trust me.

All of that being said, I do encourage people to not outright reject someone because of their age. You might find that you are incompatible, sure, but you may be missing out on a great person. I've met great people who had someone very interested in playing with them- until they found out their age. If you really wanna play with someone, maybe don't limit yourself because of a number? But it's totally up to you to decide what boundaries you want to set, and you shouldn't be shamed for that. If you aren't comfortable with a big age gap, especially, that's your call to make, not anyone else's.

There can be some challenges to an age gap relationship:

Your life experiences will be different. Being of different generations, you may have very different perspectives. Politically, you might find that you and your partner are often at odds. Not always, but political leanings do tend to shift from generation to generation.

Pop culture references will often go whizzing over you or your partner's head. My primary might turn to me and say "Travis- YOU'RE A YEAR TOO LATE!" Insert crickets and a blank look from me. Slightly awkward, but nothing insurmountable.

People will judge- more so in vanilla life than the kink world, probably, but still, they will judge. There are a lot of hurtful stereotypes. The lech, the gold digger, the person with mommy or daddy issues, etc, etc. "He's old enough to be your dad!" "He's young enough to be your son!" You'll have to deal with that shit. Your family might not approve. What your friends and family think may be very important to you.

I say, don't let other people's demands and expectations dictate the acceptability of your love for one another. It's hard, but it's hard for a lot of folks like that. Couples that aren't traditional cis/het. Mixed race couples, mixed religion couples, mixed body type couples. Love is unique and beautiful and sacred. Don't break yourself on the altar of other people's expectations. Love is too precious for that.

Finally, the hard part of a good, loving age gap relationship: the grief.

No one knows if they will get hit by a bus tomorrow, this much is true. If you, like me, are seeing someone who is 30 years your senior, chances are much higher that you won't have as long with them as you would with someone your own age. This is hard. This is heartbreaking. This is something I'm dealing with myself right now, as my secondary is dying of cancer. This is something to be aware of, going into a relationship. You will love, and you will lose.

Is it worth it?

For me, it is, absolutely.

So, this goes along with seeing your partner as an actual PERSON, and not a vehicle for your ego gratification.

If your partner says "I don't like that activity. It is unpleasant for me. It is torture for me. It is traumatic for me. It's bad."

This is not a challenge.

This is not a way for you to prove just how amazing you are.

This is not something for you to pump up your ago with.

Believe your partner!

If they say,

"Anal sex is traumatic for me. It doesn't give me pleasure. I hate it. I don't want to do it." Listen to this. Respect this. Respect that boundary. Respect that they know themselves.

If they say,

"Having my clitoris touched is like torture in a bad way. It is an awful feeling. It feels bad. It upsets me. Please don't." Listen to this. Respect this. Don't fucking touch it.

If they say,

"I don't like handjobs. They don't feel good. It grosses me out. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want anyone to touch me there like that," Listen to this. Respect this. They don't wanna date your Laura Palmer or her 5 sisters.

Not everything is about safewords. If a person states their preferences and tells you what they like and don't like, and what they don't want you to do, and you keep doing it constantly, they aren't going to feel respected, and they aren't going to feel safe. They're going to feel like you don't actually care about what is a good or bad experience for them. Don't make their boundaries be about your ego.

I mean, if you negotiate that sort of thing and continue to get enthusiastic consent (as opposed to pressuring and pressuring and stressing them so they feel bad for setting boundaries and standing up for themselves) then hey, you and your partner do what you both want to do. Otherwise, though, fucking listen.

And you know, if there are things your partner says they really love? Things that put them in the right headspace, things that get them off, things that make them happy? Hey, pay attention to that. Try and make it happen if you're comfortable with doing those things. When everyone is having their needs and desires fulfilled, life is good.

Love,

-Ev, who means it when she says "I hate that, don't do it."

Please feel free to apply any gender identity or number of people to this piece of writing. I originally wrote it for a group of mostly female identifying subs into male identifying doms, and that tends to be my orientation as well, but it applies to everyone. :}

So, what are the signs that you are dealing with a good dominant?

There are many kinds of dynamics out there, and what might OUTWARDLY look healthy or unhealthy might not always be the case. When you are involved yourself, you need to decide what works for you in a healthy fashion.

1. He listens to you and respects you. He gives you a space to express yourself honestly about how you feel, how the dynamic is working for you, what isn't working, what's good and what isn't good. If you tell him something is a hard limit, he doesn't cross it. If something you normally do isn't ok for whatever reason that day, he respects it. Unless you have negotiated otherwise, he gives you time to ask for things, without shutting you down or attacking you for expressing yourself. He encourages and supports you in expressing your wants and needs, and actively letting him know what is good and what feels harmful to you. He recognizes that you know yourself in ways he can't, because no matter how good of a dom he is, he hasn't lived your life as you, and he cannot really see inside of your head, even if he's amazing at reading you.

2. Even if you are engaging in thrilling, edgy, "scary," play, he consistently shows that you are safe with him. He proves, through consistent actions and attitude, that he is safe to be with, and to let go with. You feel secure with him, in a good way.

3. He makes sure he knows what your health issues are. He makes sure he knows what your triggers are, if you have any past trauma. If you hit an unexpected landmine together, he does his best to not take it personally, and instead works to make sure you feel safe and ok. He will give you whatever care you need, and talk it out with you. He may even be willing to try to work through the trauma with you, if you both want to, but he also will recognize that he isn't a licensed therapist. Unless, ya know, he actually is. He takes these things seriously.

4. He encourages you in pursuing your own passions, in making your life better, in being a happy, healthy, empowered person. He doesn't try to take over every aspect of your life unless you want him to. He recognizes that you are a whole human being, and that things in your life that do not involve him are also important. He makes sure you have time for your hobbies, for your friends and your family, and he doesn't begrudge these things. Being with him makes your world bigger, not smaller.

5. He admits when he doesn't know something. He is confident, not arrogant. He doesn't pretend to be good at something he has no skill, experience, or training in, especially when trying it could endanger you, or him.

6. He takes the time to learn how to do the things you agree to do together, so that they are done well, and safely. Your well-being is important to him.

7. He also strives for balance in his own life. He takes care of himself well enough. He works hard at having his shit pretty much together. Nobody is perfect. He might be poor, he might be well-off, he might be healthy or he might have chronic illness or a disability, but he isn't living a life of perpetual self-fulfilling prophecies of victimhood. He takes personal responsibility for the things he does and doesn't do. He can take care of things in his own life, which gives you confidence that he can take care of you to the degree that the two of you agree to. This includes accepting help when he needs it- that is an important aspect of self-care.

8. When he fucks up- and he will- he takes responsibility for his part. He works to make things right. He works to not fuck up like that again. He seeks to learn from his mistakes, grow from them, and do better. He expects the same from you, and has compassion for himself as well as you for fuckups.

9. He is willing and able to set boundaries for himself, for his own safety, and for your safety as well. Up to and including ending a relationship which has been toxic, in the healthiest way possible. He not only recognizes that you are a complete human being, but that he is, as well.

10. He really works to learn you, find out what puts you into subspace, what really works, what turns you on if you have that kind of dynamic. He doesn't assume that because he is Lord Master Domlypants the III, that he knows you better than yourself. He recognizes that what works for each submissive is different. That every dynamic is different. That what works in that dynamic may shift from day to day. Hormone cycles, health, external stimulation and life situations, all of these make a difference in how play will go, what what will work and not work. He is flexible, always willing to learn.

11. He checks in regularly. Out of scene, and in scene. This doesn't mean he has to break the scene, bring everything to a halt, pull you out of subspace. He checks in, though. Finds out where you are at. Makes sure things are ok. Makes sure both of your needs are being met. When they aren't, it can cause resentment to build over time. He makes sure that you and he are on the same page as far as expectations are concerned.

12. He's good to the people around him. He treats service industry workers with respect. He shows empathy and compassion, even if in scene he is a big nasty mean scary sadist because that's what you both love and crave.

13. He is consistent. Even if you both love him keeping you on your toes, it's done in a way that is ultimately healthy and confidence-boosting. You know you will be safe. You know you can trust him. Consequences and punishments, if they are there, are not going to cause you lasting harm. This goes along with that whole building trust thing. Once you are deeply involved, he continues to be trustworthy. He continues to be respectful. He continues to be a positive force in your life. He continues to make your world bigger. You might do scary stuff, but he doesn't terrify you. You continue to feel safe to let him know if something is wrong, and let him know when something's great, too. You continue to find more joy than bad, by far. His true colors are what he first showed you, only deeper, more vibrant and bright and beautiful.

14. When you think of him, you don't find yourself making a bunch of excuses for his bad behavior. You don't cringe internally and feel like you are walking on eggshells. Instead, you get a nice warm feeling. Joy. Peace. A thrill. But good stuff. Happy stuff. You feel fulfilled. You feel safe. You feel excited. All kinds of things... but the good vastly outweighs the bad.

15. If he is in the community, he has earned the respect of at least most of the people there. Interpersonal conflicts can happen, yeah. But he has earned respect and trust by his actions, not with just charisma, or a cool house he throws fun parties at, or because he looks hot. There aren't a bunch of people saying "you really have to watch out for that guy. He's not ok." He's able and willing, if he isn't brand new to the scene, to provide references. He doesn't get pissy at you about asking around about him. He thinks it's a great idea, in fact!

16. He supports you in taking whatever safety precautions you see fit, and encourages you in it. He may even ask, in the beginning, "does someone know where you are going? Have you set up a safe call? Please do so, it'll make us both feel safer, and your safety and feeling ok is important to me."

17. If you are bound, he checks your circulation regularly. If you are being flogged, he's careful of your aim, and if he's hitting a bad spot, he takes your feedback seriously and adjusts accordingly. If you cry, he makes sure it's a good thing.

18. He doesn't punish you for having emotions. He is supportive. He might work to help you to do better, to get through things, to grow stronger, but he is TRULY doing so, not bullying you into shutting down and disassociating.

19. Bad scenes can happen, but for the most part, you look back at your play together and think, "damn, that was amazing. That was awesome. I loved that. That made me happy. I'm gonna be thinking about that one for a while." He makes you want to please him, and you know he'll also want you to be happy and fulfilled- and he shows it by making that happen, too!

20. If he says or does something that upsets you, he works to see it from your perspective as well, instead of instantly going on the defensive and attacking you for reacting poorly. Maybe it came off wrong, maybe he didn't do anything wrong, or maybe what he said or did was offensive or hurtful in a way he didn't consider, but he chooses to work it out. Of course, this means that you must also do the same for him!