Ev's kink corner

In order to have better scenes, deeper bonding, and to further develop the D/s relationship with my Master, as well as provide a guide and an idea about the type of sub I am to future partners, I am going through Anton Fulmen's "The Heart of Dominance" and discussing, section-by-section, different aspects of my submissive orientation. In this series of entries, I will describe what does and does not work with me, and how deeply I go into each type of D/s dynamic.

I do have some objectification kinks, once again very much in scene with a partner with whom I have negotiated this sort of play.

I enjoy the CONCEPT, the ILLUSION of being used as a sex toy for the amusement and gratification of my dom, wherein my enjoyment doesn't matter and their pleasure does. I do not enjoy being thought of or treated that way in reality.

What do I mean there?

Being used as a masturbation toy, for example. The thought of a man jacking himself off with his cock up against me, or using his fist to jack himself off while roughly running his knuckles against my cunt, that's hot. Using me violently, hard, telling me they're jacking themselves off with my cunt, forcing me to do things for their amusement while they get off and then cum inside me at the very end, or on me, that's hot. There is, as you can see, some crossover here with sexual humiliation.

HOWEVER.

I do want to get off, in the end. Or at the least, later that day. I do not enjoy orgasm denial. Maybe I don't cum during one scene, but I do hope to cum a lot in the next. The pleasure of my partner is very important to me, and I don't always have to get off, but using me sexually without any actual sexual gratification for me should be done very sparingly, or I will start to feel quite unhappy and neglected.

Rather, I love to hear that attidue, to be treated as if that is the case during play, but then made to get off anyway. Make it a part of the game, even. It's a delicate bit of role-play, ultimately. "I don't give a fuck if you cum. I don't give a fuck if it hurt. In fact, I fucking love when I hurt you with my cock. I wanna watch you masturbate to the pain. Watching you struggle with how hard I fuck you amuses me. I want to watch your body betray you. I'm going to make you cum because it gets me off." Hot. Not every time, but it's an element that can really turn me on- as long as I am NOT actually being hurt too badly, and my partner is making sure that I am, actually aroused.

Being used as furniture and the like is not a huge fetish of mine, but if it is a part of an overall D/s package, it can be nice. Being used as a footrest can be peaceful, in a way.

On the other hand, I DESPISE being objectified for my body type. I can't stand bieng treated like a fetish, a "BBW" who isn't considered to be a person at all. I have to deal with far too much abuse in my vanilla life for the type of body I have. I want to be desired for the person I am, not the shape of my body. I don't get it as badly as my Asian sisters in kink who have to deal with "yellow fever" dudes, but it's a similar ucky feeling. I know it is something that is empowering or a turn-on for some other women of size, but it's not a thing for me. I surely do not mind people finding me physically attractive! I just don't want people to use me as a fetish without ACTUALLY getting to know and appreciate ME.

Along similar lines, I'm not really comfortable with people trying for the objectification angle from the other side of things. I'm looking at you, "do u want a BBC" guys. I am attracted to people for the people they are. I don't go in for racial objectification, and I feel a bit of side-eye towards people who seem to think the only trait they have that matters is their penis and the color thereof. If you are black and you have a big cock, hey, awesome, I've got no problem with that- but I'm not gonna automatically jump on that. Introduce yourself to me as a person meeting another person, and if we get to know one another and click, then maybe we'll play. People aren't "My Little Ponies" to me, though. For me, life ain't a Laurell K Hamilton book, ya know? I don't need to collect a buncha cookie-cutter, interchangeable men who have different colorations. I want to know and like YOU. I want you to know and like ME. And besides, I've seen how that king of attitude has been really emotionally harmful for some of my black brothers in kink.

Again, if it is happymaking and empowering for YOU, that's awesome! But since this series is about what does and doesn't work for me in D/s, there you go. I don't go in for body type, ability/disability, gender identity or racial objectification.

Now then, once in a while, pin me down facedown and use me hard for your own gratification while you watch some kinky as hell porn? For me, that's hot. It's not really about me watching the porn with you. It's about you getting off while watching the porn, and using my body to do it.

Using me as a platter for food? Haha, I've done it. It was more silly and fun than erotic for me, but hey, nothing wrong with silly and fun from time to time, right?

When it comes to service, I am not really into objectification there. I like to know that I am pleasing my dominant, and that I am doing well. That tends to involve praise and the kind of gratitude a dominant gives to their submissive. "What a lovely meal. You did a great job, and I'm enjoying it. Good girl." To see and know that I am pleasing gives me a great deal of joy, and I'll go into this more in the "service" section of my write-up. But for here, I mention it because it is not an area where I enjoy objectification.

I also have found that great care should be taken with me when approaching the concept that "a submissive's only pleasure should be pleasing their Master." This has been used against me in the past, to the point where my needs were not being met, my boundaries were not being respected, and I did not feel considered or even safe. While the pleasure of my partner is, as a submissive, deeply, deeply important, a dominant must take care that I do not end up shutting down and dissociating to avoid displeasing my partner. This is a survival tactic from both my childhood and some unhealthy past relationships- with CPTSD, a response to stresses and triggers can be fight, flight, freeze, or FAWN. A dominant who is abusive or doesn't know better can exploit the "fawn" aspect, causing a survivor to sacrifice their own needs and safety in order to placate and please their partner. It was a way to stay safe, and "earn" love. A very unhealthy way. Threats of abandonment and the use of fear and pain drove me into that space where I felt that I was not allowed to express needs or even boundaries, because I was told I was not being a "true" submissive if I did.

So, never again for that. I firmly believe that, for a healthy relationship for me, both dominant and submissive must keep the needs and desires of their partner in mind, but also not neglect their own needs and desires. When everyone is happy and fulfilled, a relationship is going to be rewarding and happy. So, I need to feel that I WANT to please my partner, not that I shouldn't want my own needs met, or that I will get hurt if I don't.

In other words, outside of sexual play, while I DO very much want to please my master, it is important to not play up "all you should want or care about is pleasing me, your needs don't matter."

I don't do it intentionally, but I suck ice cream off my spoon uh, well, like I'm delicately sucking cock. Master is very entertained by this. 

Today, I went to a sushi bar with my favorite ever sushi chef. Look, if he wasn't married... Oh yes please. But he is, so, you know, I don't do anything about being super into him. He is awesome, and often slips me extra sushi. 

Today, he gifted me with "get better" ice cream.

Me: "*Master's name* always teases me about the way I eat ice cream, but I don't think about it!"

Chef: "I think I know why he like to watch you eat ice cream!"

Me: "oh! I got a little on my face! Sometimes that happens!"

Chef, laughing: "STOP TALKING OHMYGOD"

Beet red Ev finished her ice cream, though! 

In order to have better scenes, deeper bonding, and to further develop the D/s relationship with my Master, as well as provide a guide and an idea about the type of sub I am to future partners, I am going through Anton Fulmen's "The Heart of Dominance" and discussing, section-by-section, different aspects of my submissive orientation. In this series of entries, I will describe what does and does not work with me, and how deeply I go into each type of D/s dynamic.

For me, I DO have some humiliation kinks, some that are very deeply embedded in my sexuality, but one must tread very lightly on the devaluation scale.

For example, the humiliating aspect of using spit as lube (while doing everything to avoid causing infections, please,) can be very hot for me. Being forced to rub myself on someone's (clean) boots. Forced masturbation. Being told, in scene, by someone I trust and have negotiated this with (actually, this applies to EVERYTHING- it requires negotiation, trust, and CONSENT) what a cockwhore I am, what a fuck hole I am, that's hot.

Any sort of degradation that tells me I am not good enough, worthless, or that being used is ALL I'm good for, is very much NOT. Putting me down, lowering my sense of self-worth, setting me up to fail, this will cause me anxiety and trauma. I will feel hurt, and angry, and it will actually damage my self esteem. Being told I am ugly, unattractive, fat, a pig, worthless, etc, is absolutely a hard limit. Being interrogated with questions I cannot answer correctly no matter what I say, or being told I can't do anything right, is very damaging. Using this set-up-to-fail to guilt or frighten me into doing something I'm really not ok with is, for me, just plain abusive. It is the opposite of what I need as a submissive, and will destroy my trust in you very, very quickly.

So, ultimately, I enjoy some sexual humiliation. Bieng fucked by unconventional objects, like, say, being forced to crawl with a flogger handle (in a condom) stuffed inside of me, that's hot to me. Being exposed to my partner, stripped (but told it's hot, not put down for what they see) and spread, being made to wear clothing that exposes my most intimate and sexual body parts, that's hot. Being spread open, groped, explored as though I am a sexual object that my partner has complete access to, that's hot. Being made to wear a dildo inside of me while going out in public, with only my partner and other select trusted people knowing, that's fucking hot. Using me hard sexually and telling me to learn my place is hot. Being fucked with a broom handle, hot.

Being forced to perfom sexual acts in front of an audience can be a hot as hell fantasy come true, or really upsetting, depending on my headspace and body image that day. Many things involving humiliation must be very carefully set up and balanced, and require a keen understanding of headspace and reading where I am. Enthusiastic consent is very important here. Finding where I am at is very important here. It's the difference between some hot as hell orgasms and trauma.

A lot of verbalization can also help here. Reflecting. Narrating what I am doing, or what's being done to me, and why it's hot. Knowing I'm doing well, even in a scene involving humiliation, is very key for me. Nurturing is an over-arching theme in my submissive needs, but when playing with sexual humiliation, it should not be over-used, because too much of it will take away from that particular headspace. "Take it like the little fuck-bitch you are. That's right. Just like that. Yes. Fuck that's hot, look at your wet little cunt, so hungry and exposed, you'll take anything, won't you?" See how that is both affirming and sexually humiliating?

This sort of thing can be re-enforced to a degree outside of scenes, but for the most part is only really great for me when I'm turned on.

And, after a scene with a great deal of this sort of energy, I need a good amount of aftercare. Time to feel safe, to come down, to be cared for and made to feel valued. That is when it is good to tell me how I was a good girl, how well I did, how I took it all so well, to be petted and rubbed and loved on, wrapped up in a blanket and held close.

Surgery went really well. Resident did a great job. Of course even with a ton of extra numbing we found a not numb spot. But got it mostly numbed enough to remove the rest. The roots ran deep but they think they got it all. Hopefully that site won't recur.
Also got Botox all around the areas that have plagues and scarred me over and over again since I was 7. Hoping that'll do the trick!
I got photos of the procedure and the removed tissue, thanks to my beloved.

OK!
So, today I'm having part of my breast removed to try to save the rest of it.
I have an orphan disease. Pharmaceutical companies don't research it because it isn't profitable enough. It's called "hidradenitis suppurativa" and most of the info about it online is wrong. I wouldn't even trust the mayo clinic on this one.
I am seeing a team of specialists at Stanford about it. Have someone there who has decided to make it their life's work.
When I was 7, I suffered a severe trauma (it involved trafficking) and trauma can activate an autoimmune disease if you have the genetic markers for it. Mine showed up a little earlier than most people, as a result, since normally it appears at puberty.
The pediatrician told my parents that I had "boils" because I was "dirty."
I spent so many years full of shame, obsessively bathing twice or three times a day.
Turns out what it actually is, as far as they understand it now, is that my immune system mistakenly sees sweat glands and hair follicles as the enemy and attacks them.
Stage 1 is a giant cyst-like structure that can swell up, usually to the size of a golf ball, but sometimes a lot bigger.
Stage 2, it eats channels into my flesh. Channels/sinus tracts/roots/tunnels, whatever people decide to call it. I think they are calling it "roots" right now.
Stage 3, it honeycombs through the flesh.
Stage 4, it completely destroys an area of flesh, like a flesh eating virus.
For a long time, doctors thought it was acne, or a bacterial infection. It isn't.
What has been discovered, however, is that in 50% of cases, botox can cause total remission. You have to keep getting botox, and it is expensive as hell. We got Medicare to cover part of that, but I'm going in blind, as Stanford's "financial counseling center" never did figure out what percentage Medicare will pay for.
If it works, I will probably have to pour all the money I can make into this. Even if it doesn't, I'll have to find some way to pay for what they do today.
There is also a persistent site on my breast that has been flaring off and on for the past year. We're really worried it'll go to Stage III, and that I'll lose the breast, so we're removing it.
This is giving me a lot of pretty bad feels. Mutilating my breast is going to hit me hard, emotionally. I have so many dear friends who have had breast cancer and had to have a complete mastectomy. I have it way easier than they do. I need to remember that.
We won't know how deep the "roots" go until we cut me open today. I might need a second, more invasive surgery that will take a much bigger piece of breast.
I'll be awake for this procedure. Local doesn't work very well on me, so they will have to give me a bunch of shots of it. Also, needles tend to make me punch people, hah!
So, I'll be loaded up on Ativan. My beloved partner will be with me, and he'll be making sure I am ok.
Traffic will mean a 3 hour drive home, so we will probably end up hanging out at a cafe I love post-surgery. That's gonna suck, but I know they will take good care around me there, and if it gets really bad, a dear friend has a friend who will let me sleep in his spare room in San Francisco.
So, that's what's happening today. Don't do a google image search unless you really like horrifying gore.
Best wishes appreciated, and thank you!

If you only want to do something when you're drunk, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

Also, you probably shouldn't be drinking, if you are using alcohol to get yourself to do stuff. 

That goes doubly... naw, quadruply, when it involves BDSM or anything else where being impaired can be extremely dangerous for you, your partner, or both.

And me? I'm not going to be turned on or tempted when you only try to hook up with me when you're drunk. Hell no, I respect myself. I have standards. I give myself to people who desire me for me, not people who decide I'm an ok option after they've knocked back 5 shots. I'm valuable. I'm not going to enganger myself, physically or emotionally. 

Play safe. Play sober. 

OK, I think I'm done playing nice.

Any so-called "dom" who doesn't bother to even read my profile or respect the limits I state there is getting slashed with my verbal talons. 

Without respecting limits, you're nothing but a mope in my eyes. 

It's like real life. The last dude to assault me in a dungeon got a solid kick to the chest. (I was in a sling, and his chest was what I could reach with my ankles chained. The fucker was lucky I couldn't chamber my leg very far. He was dubbed "turtle wanker" and banned for life from Citadel.)

Act like Turtle Wanker online, and you'll get a verbal kick, and a block, and be lucky it wasn't in person. 

OK, time for some real talk, y'all. 

I know some of you have mostly just read BDSM fiction, or bad twilight fanfic romanticising abuse (*cough* 50 shades *cough*) but I'm going to tell you about "real" subs, now.

Real subs are people who are, in some aspect of their life, in a kink context, submissive. That's it. That's what makes someone a real sub- they're submissive. 

Anybody who is trying to sell you on how a "twoo" sub only acts, looks, speaks, etc a certain way is full of it. They are living in ego-driven fantasyland. Other people aren't real to them, not really. They want perfect projections of their desires, and they want to shame and punish anyone who doesn't please them, personally, in that way. Same goes for discussions of "twoo" dominants. 

I mean, there are scammers and people who pretend to be into the lifestyle because they think it'll get them money or an easy lay. But that's not what we're really discussing here. What I'm talking about is people who claim that everyone around them is fake, doesn't know what they are doing, isn't Doing It Right(tm,) etc. These people are insecure, or lack the self-awareness to realize that other people are just as real as they are. They feel as much. Their desires are as valid. Ther personalities are as valid. What they want and how they are oriented, while different from what these people want, is just as valid. 

These people might try to sell you on this whole idea, and that's kind of a means of isolating you, really. "don't trust these other people, don't play with them, don't communicate with them, only me." Scared of competition, maybe, or just such a fundamentalist that they cannot comprehend spectrums and variety in the lifestyle being OK. 

This ALSO isn't about predators, whom we should absolutely warn one another about, and remove from our communities as well. This is about expecting and demanding subs (and doms, and switches, and kinky folks, etc) to only exhibit very specific personality traits at all times, and only behave in certain ways at all times.

So, all of that being said, here's the stereotype that irritates the shit out of me-

The low self-esteem mousy poster child for abuse with a personality like wet corrugated cardboard submissive stereotype. See, "50 shades." 

Lemme clue you in on something- a hell of a lot of subs are high-power, in control people in other aspects of their lives. Certainly not all, but I'd say easily more than half are people who are often in control, in charge, and who have a lot of responsibilities. For many submissives, their time in d/s land is when they can rest, let go, drop their walls, and let somebody else be in charge for a while. 

So please, understand.

*A submissive can be confident.
*A submissive can be assertive.
*A submissive can be an agressive person.
*A submissive can be intelligent.
*A submissive can be brave.
*A submissive can be strong.

*A submissive can be tall, athletic, slender, curvy, short, all of those things.
*A submissive can be a law enforcement officer, a district attorney, a politician, a CEO, a lawyer, a surgeon, a soldier, or any other profession. Goodness knows I had plenty of the above as clients when I was a pro domme.

*A submissive can be wealthy or poor or anything in between.

*A submissive can be able-bodied or disabled.

*A submissive can be any age, race, gender, religion, etc, etc.

OK, so actually, I am going to talk a bit about dom stereotypes, too.

*A dom can be an introvert in many aspects of their life.
*A dom can be a sensitive person.

*A dom can be shy. Things can change just as drastically in a scene with a dom as they can with a sub.
*A dom can be physically weak. 

*A dom can work in the service industry, in a low-powered job, in a position where they are in charge of no one and others are in charge of them.
*A dom can be poor or wealthy or anything in between.
*A dom can be able-bodied or disabled.

*A dom can be any age, race, gender, religion, etc, etc.
*A dom can be gentle-natured, soft-spoken, and nonconfrontational.
*A dom can have any body type.

So when people tell me, "oh, you can't be a sub! You don't act like one," I can only think, "the fuck are you talking about?" The way I submit to those I choose to submit to, the way I interact with them, can be completely different from the way I interact with other people. I carry myself like a fighter, because that is what I am. I am social. I have strong opinions, which I express. I am very much a protector, and I enjoy teaching, mostly teaching other adults. I'm the one who kicks known predators out of the munch. 

I'm not alone, either. In my local community, most of the subs are confident, strong-willed people. Whole people. People who know who they are and what they want in life. People who also take great joy in submission, in pleasing another, in power exchange and in willingly giving up control to a partner that they have given their consent to. We tell jokes, we laugh, we have fun. We are capable adults, fully able to be grown-ups in other aspects of our lives. Even the age-players. And those of us who are disabled and need an in-home caregiver? Those subs aren't passionless, mindless doormats, either. We are people, worthy of consideration and respect. It isn't up to you, rando person in the lifestyle that doesn't own us, to dictact who and what we are, or how we should behave. 

Same goes for doms. There are people who are good at it and not so good at it, there are people who are more or less compatible with YOU, but someone doesn't have to act like they are freakin' Conan the Barbarian to "prove" that they are a dominant. They can be a quiet mostly shy geek. When they are in a scene with their partner, and they are in domspace, they may be entirely different- and hell, there are dynamics where quiet, mostly shy geek dom works GREAT for their sub. 

So, ya know. Come off it. Don't assume somebody is or isn't what they say they are just because they aren't a stereotype from bad BDSM erotica. 

My mother was, among other things, an English major. She instilled in me a love of language. I became an avid reader quite young.

Now, many of you have likely come across the "slashyspeak" phenomenon online. Some of you practice it. You do you! That's ok. It's a quirky bit of online protocol, and everyone's preferences are their own on that account. It hurts no one! 

Except, it does hurt my head just a tiiiiny bit, because when someone types out "hey A/all, how are Y/you doing today?"

In my head, it reads as a stutter.

So it sounds, in my head, like "hey a-all, how are y-you doing today?"

Am I the only one who parses it like that?

Ya know, I'm finding that all these dudes messaging me who won't accept or respect my boundaries are great practice for firmly saying "no."