There was a time in my life when I thought, wrongly, that I had to pay for my safety from the world by sacrificing my safety with a partner. That, to earn love, I had to make myself small, diminish myself, my needs, my boundaries. Give ground, always.
That was not submission, though I have always been that, at my heart, as well. That was the fawn response.
It took many years for me to slowly extricate myself from its clutches, and I must remain ever vigilant to not fall into them again. I am not a perfect being, and at times I do slip. Nor was I always blameless in my relationships. We, all of us, fail at times.
There was a time, too, when the darker side of my sexuality craved violence and pain. A part of me wanted to see how much I could take for someone. A part of me wanted to see if I could survive it. A part of me enjoyed it, that sharp edge of life, that rush of adrenaline and endorphins.
My sexuality still has dark, sharp edges, to be sure. That will never change.
The shape of it, though? That has changed a great deal.
I survived, somehow, so much pain, so much torture, and not the consensual kind. Days, months begging for a way out when there was none but death. Clinging to life by a thread, enduring, enduring, enduring, not because I wished to, but because I had no other choice.
It was only love that allowed me to make it through those darkest times- the love I had for those I would leave behind. The need to not hurt them that way. Some, I think, would have understood, but even some of them would have been heartbroken.
So many times, my trust and love were also betrayed. I gave and gave and gave of myself, desperate to please, to be enough, to not be too much, only to be turned against, in the end.
I had wonderful loves that blossomed and faded, too, leaving friendship behind.
So many times, I told myself, it was to be the last time. The final heartbreak. "I cannot do this anymore. I cannot do this again," I wept to myself, and yet, I am what I am. I am Baldr's Gythja, and I cannot help but return to love.
For me, as I have said before, my submission and my heart are entwined. When I truly submit, completely, to the core of me, there you will find my love, also.
But as for pain? We are no longer friends. Intensity, yes, I crave that, and some things that I do might even seem like pain, but for me, they are not, because the pleasure vastly overrides it.
So then, what now?
Now, I seek to find my joy. To give pleasure, love, compassion, and to give my submission only to those who would treasure it with the depth that I would treasure them.
Not an afterthought. Not a dirty secret. Not a port in the storm. Not something to use and toss aside like garbage. Not someone who would think less of me for my yielding, or think me stupid or weak. Not a somewhat appealing option, forgotten when I am not present.
No.
Never again.
I do not, understand, cast aspersions on sadism and masochism. I understand these things. With consent, they can be beautiful. It's just not a road I can walk any longer. I carry too much pain, from moment to moment, as it is. Adding more is no longer a release from it.
I will never again accept abuse, nor will I make excuses for it. I will not accept neglect, dehumanization I never consented to, constantly inconsiderate behavior. I will be no-one's emotional punching bag. I will not accept the violation of my boundaries. I will not be punished for keeping myself safe, or holding to my values.
I will value myself, and give myself to someone who values me. In valuing myself, I will also show how highly I regard them- why would I give something I didn't respect to someone I did?
I have a beloved primary, whose love is steadfast. For that, I am deeply grateful, and I love him, in kind. We may no longer be sexually compatible, but still, we love one another.
And now I believe I may have found someone who will treasure me as I will treasure him. Someone I can speak to about anything, who will hear me, and even often agree. Someone with whom I can pursue mutual pleasure, joy, and a shared wonder at the world that we might explore together. Someone I can let go with, let go, and trust to not let me fall. Intelligent enough, wise enough, and compassionate enough to guide me.
It is early days, yet, so time will tell, but there is one thing I have, which I have not had in so very long, not truly-
Hope.