Setting them up to fail or succeed
I once had a martial arts instructor whose only teaching method was telling people how terrible they were.
I think, looking back, that he believed it would make his students tough. I think he believed it would motivate them to try harder. He also didn't allow people to set boundaries, and I think, honestly, he got off on bullying and torturing people. You had to fight like hell to set boundaries with him, and if you succeeded, you got some respect from him, but it was hell on wheels to get there.
Once, he told me that I was the worst brown belt fighter he had ever seen in my life. He later said "you knew that wasn't true!" But I didn't. He insisted that one of his rules in life was to always tell the truth. He held us to it, and he gave the IMPRESSION that he held himself to it, but he turned out to be a rather deceptive individual. Often, he would present the truth in a way that manipulated the listener into believing the opposite. Often, he would lie, too. But before I came to realize that, I trusted him and believed that he was telling me the truth. He was my instructor. I was supposed to trust him. Believe him without question. It was the protocol he required.
So, I believed him. My confidence plummeted. As a white belt, I could shatter 6 bricks. As a brown belt, I often couldn't even break one. Every time he put me down, I believed him. Every time he set me up to fail and told me it was because I wasn't trying hard enough, or wasn't good enough, I believed him.
But what if he told me what I'd done well, and encouraged me? What if he showed me what I needed to work on, and how to improve it, instead of putting me down and yelling "FIGURE IT OUT?" What kind of martial artist would I have become? How would my fights game have changed? How would my motivation grown?
I had a dominant whose techniques were very similar to the martial arts instructor above. He would purposefully set me up to fail. He would react with fury. He would punish me for setting boundaries, even when asked for in the meekest fashion, because something he demanded of me wasn't safe. He trampled boundaries and told me I sucked at everything I did, though I was desperate to please him, to make him happy, to do well. I just wanted to be a good girl, and nothing I did was ever good enough for him.
Then, when I got home, he would chew me out and mindfuck me for hours, accusing me of lying, demanding the "true" answer, even though I'd already told him the truth, and telling me to figure it out. I started trying to tell him what he wanted to hear, since he never believed me when he told the truth. I started shutting down. I started self-medicating. I would give him a smile, out of love, out of devotion, or affection, and he'd respond my slamming me against the wall and choking me out. He would threaten to abandon me. He would give me the silent treatment. Or he would beat the shit out of me. I loved him, though it wasn't a healthy love, and I would try, harder and harder and harder, to make him happy, but it was never good enough. Never.
I'd cry for hours, after. Once, I had to go to the hospital because the pain from something he did was so bad. After a month I was worried it might be cervical cancer or something. I told him, because he told me to always tell him if something was wrong, and he berated me for "whining." "I have no use for a wimpy sub," he said.
So, he lost me. He lost me without knowing he'd lost me. I built my armor up. I did what I could to defend myself. A lot of it was really, really unhealthy. I learned to hide my distress. I rolled over and let him trample my boundaries, hoping that if I was good enough, he'd really love me, he'd really love the submissive I was.
It doesn't work that way, though. It was a very toxic relationship. I wanted so badly to show him a different way, too, but that was also not my responsibility. I'm still healing from that, but I sure as hell am strong with my boundaries, now. I did learn from it. Just, not the things I think he intended for me to learn.
But what if he had approached differently? What if he had sought enthusiastic, informed consent? What if he had encouraged me? What if he had let me feel heard? What if he had set his ego aside and worked WITH me to build something beautiful and trusting? What if he had paid attention to my distress and adjusted? What if he had allowed kindness to be a part of his domination? Empathy?
You don't have to be perpetually cruel and harsh to be dominant. Dominance doesn't have to be angry- in fact, I have always been taught, and I have always TAUGHT, to never strike out of anger. Dominance isn't about showing that you can hit harder than the other person.
Dominance isn't about being the biggest predator in the room so that nobody can ever prey on you again, but I have seen walking wounded people try to USE it that way, like the dom I was with. I see a lot of people with untreated trauma who tell themselves they are over it, that they've mastered it, when really they have only pushed it down, and the damage comes out in toxic ways. There's no shame in getting mental health care, any more than there is in getting a broken bone set. Same goes for subs who are trapped in an endless victim cycle. People, this stuff takes WORK and we shouldn't be forcing our partners to try to "fix" us in ways that they cannot. A lot of this work is internal, and if you need help with it, professional help is best! No one is perfect. We're all works in progress. Partners support each other, but we need balance. It shouldn't become a burden and we shouldn't sacrifice our partners on the altars of our issues, either.
For me, and for quite a lot of other subs, being set up for success is a beautiful thing. We WANT to do well. We want to learn how to please you best! We take great joy in being good, in doing what you want, in making you happy. We want you to feel that rush you get when you realize our will is subsumed, that we would do just about anything to please you. Please don't break that. Please don't kill the light in our eyes that shines when we look at you.
For those of us subs who thrive on positive re-enforcement- we are looking to you to guide us. To protect our vulnerable psyche, because when we submit to you, we lose a lot of our defenses. When we surrender, the walls come down. The ways in which we brace ourselves against the callousness of the mundane world dissolve under your hand. When we let you take us on a journey, please, try to not drop us.
At some point, you will fuck up. At some point, we will, too. We will hurt one another. We will misunderstand. We will make mistakes. This is normal. This is human.
But let's give one another the opportunity to learn and improve. To make things better. Failure can be a great teacher, but only when there is a possibility of success. Failure can be approached with kindness, or fun. Even a harsh punishment doesn't have to be emotionally damaging. Let your sub know that it will be ok. That they will be forgiven. The slate will be wiped clean. And do not give them more than they can handle. BELIEVE them when they tell you where that line IS. Do not break their trust. No one is a perfect magical romance novel dom who always knows their sub better than their sub knows themself. And thank fuck for that, because honestly, those motherfuckers are hella problematic.
For me, when I know I have done well, when I know my efforts are appreciated, even if I don't succeed, knowing that my honestly trying has pleased my dom? THAT is what motivates me. That giddy joy is what propels me further, deeper into service, into submission, into pushing myself to be better than I was before, to open up more, to give more, to work even harder.
I treasure my partners. Their strengths. Their vulnerabilities, too. I work to always hear and respect their needs and boundaries. Doms have those, too, you know. Having a partner who does the same for me, it's freeing. It's joyful. I know that there is a floor under my feet. I know I'll be caught if I fall. And when I know that, I can dare to fly.
Lift me up, and I will soar with you.
*****
Side note, because it should be said- some people DO learn best from an instructor who always tells them they suck. It DOES motivate them to just work harder, to prove them wrong. Some people DO love a dominant who is always harsh and cruel and who they can never do well enough for. Different people learn and love different ways... but make sure you and your partner both flourish from the same STYLE of D/s. There is no one true way, no one-size-fits-all for D/s, and people are not interchangeable. Having more than one tool in your toolbox is a really great thing- make sure you have some tools that work well together!
