I have been in the lifestyle for about 30 years now.
I'm really not aure i will ever find the dominant I need in upstate New York. I miss San Francisco so keenly, but my family can never afford toove back there.
I am honestly at a loss.
You know how it goes, if you are a sub, especially on the femme side, on the internet.
A dude will message with "hey," "hi," "sup," etc. Nothing about who they are or why they messaged, nothing about what brought them to your inbox.
Nothing to work with, really.
And then they ask "how are you doing?"
My guess is that most of them want to hear something along the lines of "oh, I am so horny and needy for stranger on the internet!"
Unfortunately, I have fallen into the habit of answering that question honestly.
How am I doing? I'm swirling in an abyss of despair. I am filled with existential dread. I am watching callousnwss, bigotry, xenophobia, and cruelty being heralded as great virtues. I am seeing empathy and compassion condemned as moral failings.
I am watching with horror as my country disintegrates, as human rights fviilations pile up, and rule of law alongside temge constitution itself being cast aside with ludicrous excuses.
I cannot even voice my distress in my own home.
I barely sleep, and nightmares plague me when I do. I try to focus on things that give me joy but I can't ignore the world burning around me. The feelings of betrayal. The heartbreak.
That's how I'm doing, my guys.
How about you?
Remember friends- physical arousal is NOT consent! Yes means yes. Only informed, enthusiastic consent means yes. Bodies can become aroused and even sometimes orgasm during a traumatic, nonconsensual sexual assault. "They were wet" or "they were erect" is NOT CONSENT. It doesn't make taking and touching without asking ok.
(I'm fine. Annoyed by so many novels I've been reading, lately.)
He texted me, "I think we should break up now, instead of when I move in May."
I'd told him the night before that my big brother from another mother was non-responsive in hospice. I'd just found out.
Couldn't even be bothered to call. Just texted.
It has been a long time since I've haunted this place!
I found a dom, a second partner. He's wonderful. He's also loving our of state next May. 😒 doing my best to enjoy the time we have.
Hello dearies,
Auntie Ev has decided to share with you all some real life stories from back when she had an interesting life. Here is the first one.
Once upon a time, Auntie Ev was a wild babygoth teenager. She had to wear prescription sunglasses, because the bright Southern California sun hurt her pale eyes and partially blinded her. She wore a long black cloak.
She had a long black cloak because her mother wanted her to wear something warm. Mom wanted Auntie Ev to wear a sweater, but lo, sweaters were Super Uncool. Auntie Ev wanted a badass leather jacket, but Mom was worried people would "think things" if she wore something so butch.
"But Mom," Auntie Ev replied, "those things would be true. I have a girlfriend."
In those days, Auntie Ev was in love with a riot grrl. Riot grrls were grunge feminists who wore flannels and combat boots, shaved the sides of their heads, and listened to Nirvana and Hole. Auntie Ev's girlfriend eventually left Auntie Ev for her best friend, who then started a vampire cult and eventually moved to Florida to build a cult compound, as one does, I suppose.
Anyway, because sweaters were Super Uncool and leather jackets might Make People Think Things, Auntie Ev instead asked for a cloak. Black velour on the outside, some other thick black fabric on the inside. Auntie Ev's mom was Not The Sewing Type, but she made this kickass cloak, with a hood and a big wide three-quarter circle sweep and EVERYTHING. Auntie Ev still has this treasured cloak, which has had so many clasps sewn onto it over the years. Auntie Ev is even less of a Sewing Type.
Once, Auntie Ev was striding around, all intense and gothic after watching Interview with the Vampire or Bram Stoker's Dracula or some shit, wearing her sunglasses at night (so she could so she could) and she majestically crashed face first into a glass door in front of a bunch of people at a cafe. So cool.
So, Auntie Ev had already been to see Rocky Horror Picture Show at the all ages youth hall that didn't allow alcohol. She had slapped away the hand of a 20-something redheaded dude in a kilt. She had pretended to be a statue in downtown Santa Barbara next to lifelike actual statues, terrifying tourists by suddenly moving. She had ridden a shopping cart down the pier, and played tag in the graveyard in the middle of the night. Auntie Ev needed something NEW to do.
A friend of a friend suggesting something new- a live-action roleplaying game! Vampire the Masquerade, it was called. It was NEW! It involved VAMPIRES! And ACTING! Auntie Ev was intrigued.
Well, Auntie Ev went to this game, and must tell you that LARPing can be fun. The problem with LARPing is LARPers. O, my doves, the DRAMA.
Still, Auntie Ev might have really got into it, were it not for one issue. Blueberry Vodka Guy.
BVG (is that a disease?) had, you see, drunk altogether Too Much Vodka, and thus, we must return to the aforementioned problem with LARPing.
BVG looked at Auntie Ev. BVG saw the sunglasses and the black cloak. BVG saw Auntie Ev's budding acting skills. BVG was tatered, smashed, snookered, toasted, plastered, plowed, intoxicated, inebriated... BVG was drunk.
And BVG got An Idea.
BVG decided that, in his altered state, he had finally found it. His prey. What he had, for some time, been hunting.
BVG tottered and swayed, stumbled and staggered. BVG reached into the bed of his pickup truck. BVG retrieved a KEYRING of ACTUAL STAKES.
BVG then suddenly proceeded to attempt to MOTHERFUCKING STAKE AUNTIE EV.
Auntie Ev took exception to this.
THANKFULLY, Auntie Ev had a few things going for her-
1. Ribs and the breastbone are actually pretty thick bones.
2. Super drunk people are shit at fighting.
3. Incandescent rage combined with a CPTSD-(unrelated to this incident)-driven fight trauma response.
Auntie Ev broke that fucking stake out of BVG's hand. Auntie Ev stabbed BVG back. BVG was wearing a thick leather jacket. The jacket was super effective.
Auntie Ev called her parents and asked to be picked up. Auntie Ev went home, hiding the wound in her chest, because Mom was a battle-axe and would have gone on the warpath, and Auntie Ev did not want to give up her wild wandering ways.
And that, my dears, is why Auntie Ev, who is absolutely NOT a vampire, all rumors notwithstanding, got this scar over her heart.
Now, would you like another cuppa tea, my dumplings?
You know it isn't gonna be great news when the doctor calls you directly, instead of one of the front desk staff.
Yeah, I have to get another excision. Waiting for oncology to call me to schedule another surgery. I already had one excision at the beginning of the year. Now I'm gonna have to get at least one more.
Fuck.
Bbbbb
A medication my doctor sent in never made it through the system because my insurance required a prior authorization form which the fax machine at my doctor's office consumed as a sacrifice. (Quite likely so, according to both the pharmacist and the receptionist at my doctor's office.) The pharmacy re-sent the form, but I also called the doctors office. The nurses have a team that handles prior authorization forms, so they are also going to get together and chant a spell of form summoning and prior authorization manifestation. Hopefully between the two forces, they will be able to summon my tizabadine or whatever it's called.
Being this unwell is so much work.
I made sure to let them all know that I recognize how insane everything is right now and how flooded everyone is. I told them that I can tell they are trying so hard despite being understaffed and overwhelmed, and that I really appreciate them.
I can hear the real smiles and relief in their voices that anyone recognizes it and is being kind instead of taking their frustrations out on them. I know you develop strong armor working in medicine, but everyone is human, everyone can burn out, and everyone has a breaking point. These folks are human. Some are kinder than others, but it really doesn't take much to be kind to all of them, and hopefully pass on a bit of that kindness, too.
I have very little power in my life right now but this, at least, I can do. I hope it makes a difference for somebody. I hope somebody goes home with a little smile instead of crying exhausted over their steering wheel in their driveway.
If I can, then this is enough.
My dear friends,
I regret to inform you that I am not doing well at all. 15 or so years ago I had back surgery that gave me back my life. I was able to do so many wonderful things and cake, take up horsemanship, martial arts, and Japanese tea ceremony as well.
Now it is time to pay the piper.
A few weeks ago as I was getting ready for a hot date with the wonderful Master Bjorn, I started to feel a painful twinge in my back beyond the normal aches and pains that come with chronic pain.
The date has been delayed due to extenuating circumstances, but by the time the rescheduled they came around I was in a lot of pain. At first I tried exercise, thinking it was a muscular issue, but it quickly became clear that it was more serious than that. Every moment I was sitting or standing or walking my nerve got crushed a little more. I believe it is a femoral nerve running down the front of my leg. The pain goes from my lower back through my pelvis around the front of my thigh/groin area, down my thigh and then around my knee. It feels like a giant hand is grouping my knee and my thigh and hip and crushing them while a knife digs into me.
The pain quickly became absolutely unbearable. The day before yesterday after I managed to get to the bathroom and back I was at a level 9 or 10 for about 4 hours of screaming and writhing and seizing up before I went into shock and eventually passed out.
The advice nurse wanted me to go to the ER as I was in danger of dying of a heart attack or going into serious shock and dying from it because of the pain. I also stopped being able to feel when my bladder was full. It's pretty serious stuff.
However I have an MRI schedule d for today at 5:30 and once I am admitted to the hospital they will not permit me to go to outpatient appointments. The next available MRI in central New York even on a stat order is in November. My x-ray showed some damage but it just isn't enough to really show us what's going on and give us a treatment pathway. Therefore I've been put on an insane amount of drugs to keep me alive until I can get the MRI. I'm not sure how in the hell I'm going to get through that MRI with this pain. I'm going to have to crawl to the table because I can no longer walk more than about 20 ft and I cannot sit so I cannot take a wheelchair.
I do not qualify for Medicaid and Medicare will not cover any medical transport except for an ambulance to the ER if I'm bleeding out, a severe trauma case, or going into severe shock. They don't consider anything else to be an emergency. I'm really hating my country right now I have to tell you.
Anyway I don't know what's going to happen or if I can get an effective nerve block or if they can treat this effectively. I may be bed bound and in pain for the rest of my life but I'm very much hoping not because I'm not done living yet. Shit like this is rarely Fair though and we do not live in a just world. What happens, happens we just have to deal with it as best we can.
I am so very grateful for my beloved Ashigeru and my dear friend phr3ak. Without my men I would not have survived this wrong. They have worked so hard to help me, and struggled with feeling helpless and having to be caretakers, but they have done everything for me without complaint.
I love them so much, and all of you, my dear friends. Never forget that I love you. I am not sure how much time I have left on this earth, but above all else, know that I love you, and that love will continue. May it warm you long after my body is cold.
With love,
-Ev
Ah, the incredibly mild tragedy of being a clotheshorse who loves dressing up and costuming who is surrounded by "just get naked right now" dominants. But, but... I have some really sexy stuuuuuffff
Corsets, lingerie, flowing, ethereal, innocent white gowns, Sluddy little skirts with o-rings, fishnets, sexy shoes, velvet...
Ah, well.