The Phoenix will rise.

As she's reflecting on more traits that make her unique in her search for her true self the Phoenix unearths one that makes her falter...her need to make sure people are pleased, happy, or to put a smile on the face of someone who is going through a rough time.

Her hangup with this trait is the fact that she will do just about anything to make those around her smile but isn't willing to just be a people pleaser for just anyone.

When she was younger she learned that most people don't care about their friends and family for any reason other than what they can get from them. It took her many years to learn this, during which she found herself sacrificing her own happiness and comfort for "friends" who couldn't be bothered to lift a finger if she was in need.

The Phoenix now has a better insight on the reason why she doesn't have many friends and tends to pull away from people when they get to close. She's become one of those people who doesn't call, text, or stop by for long periods of time but then it's like she's never been gone when she does.

Those lucky few who have the patience and determination to become close to her aren't considered friends, they become her family. People she would walk through fire for, move mountains for, that she will protect with everything she has. She's one of those souls you either love unconditionally or hate, there's no in-between.

Trust issues have created a complex need to serve and abide by the structure created for her conflicted by her need to push the boundaries and push away in order to test the strength of their love.

Another flap of her wings brings the Phoenix closer to the sun ..

Why does Phoenix have the desires she has? Why does she crave being restrained, completely at her master's mercy? Why does pain heighten her pleasure? 

The best answer she has is the past created them as a way to gain strength from the tramatic experiences she survived.

Being restrained by a family member as they took advantage of her at the tender age of 13 not only physically but also emotionally could have been the catalyst needed to spark the fire that now rages inside her every time she's unable to move, unable to get away, faced with the knowledge she's unable to do anything but enjoy the experience...

Memories of her mother disciplining her using everything from a pair of  tennis shoes to an oak butter churn paddle and anything else that happened to be in her hands at the time when she was younger and even trying to choke her in a fit of alcohol fueled rage make her wonder if these are the reason she equates pain to love and also pleasure...

Phoenix has so many questions and so few answers... she shakes ash from her fledgling feathers and attempts her first flight since rising from the ashes and embers .. a gentle breeze carrys her high above the twisted dark forest. She basks in the bright sunlight that is her master alex'sescape...

The past can wait, the present will be gone before she knows it, and the future isn't promised ... she is going to live in the moment and enjoy it while it lasts...

At the sweet age of 16 Phoenix realized boys her age were boring. Men were much more fun and so began her Daddy fetish...

If the man wasn't at least 10 years older than her there was no reason to keep him around except for the obvious playtime...

So she danced her way through drugs, alcohol, and older men for the next 8 years...leaving much of it forgotten in a haze of chemicals and orgasms...

Right before she hit rock bottom at 24 she met him. The man who was supposed to be a one night stand. The one who would keep her around regardless of what she did. The one who would love her and she would love. But even though they had a love that ran deep something was missing. Someone was missing, someone she would call master..someone who would expect her to be her best, that wouldn't let her hide from herself any longer... alex'sescape...you have become my grounding rock in a chaotic storm...

Another layer of ash blown away as the Phoenix begins to climb from the ashes, born again her true self, no longer hiding in the shadows...no longer behind her mask...

So to get a better understanding of who she is the Phoenix has to revisit the past.

Even at the tender age of 15 she had already learned one of the oldest lessons humanity teaches: sex is a great way to get what you want. It is also a great way to escape the hell that is her life.

Drugs and alcohol were too temporary of a fix but the knowledge that she could have almost any man she wanted...that high would last for days, the memories providing the perfect escape.

But the allure of vanilla sex quickly waned and she began flirting with the darker side of desire. This wasn't without it's risks and dangers...more than once she was rescued from bad situations by those who loved her. 

So her journey to today began, and a once shy, introverted young girl began changing into a woman who while unsure exactly it was that would give her the pleasure she sought was determined to explore until she found it. 

Another layer of ash falls from the Phoenixs mighty head...alex'sescape presents her with the opportunity to discover her true self without the noise of the world interfering...

Tomorrow is awaiting impatiently...

A lonely girl with little social skills and absolutely no self esteem survived every day with the help of alcohol and drugs. She would put on her happy outgoing bubbly personality which was nothing more than a mask hiding the truth from the world.

Somehow with a little divine intervention, a good hearted cop, and an amazing defense attorney instead of going to prison for her 22nd birthday she was given a second chance at life. A chance to do better, be better and she always come out of the fire a better version of herself than the one baptized by the flames.

One truth she holds near and dear to her heart no matter what storm threatens her resolve is this: no matter who you were, you are striving every day to be a better you, yesterday cannot be changed or taken back, tomorrow isn't promised so make no apologies for being who you are meant to be.

This has never been so true as it's been here recently.

Alex'sescape happened to stumble across my profile and we began chatting daily. He is determined to help me accomplish my goals, his praise motivates me to do better and try harder. He is both demanding and caring, he's straight forward in our daily communication and takes the time to answer any questions I have.

No one I know can predict the future but I am full of anticipation for what is yet to come and thankful for his belief in me. I'm a better person for meeting him.

Another layer of ash floats away on the breeze at the close of today... tomorrow is already calling..