Sarah’s world

Suddenly I realize I will feel good again. The hole I fell in, well, there were monsters pulling me down gripping on my every limb to keep me in that hole with all the slime and extreme anguish. But now my daddy pulls me up, I choose like I choose love in my Mtgs: 

I choose submission, I consciously unplug my head and since I can’t connect to my heart then I choose submission to my daddy who will help me get it there

He knows I need it VERY ROUGH and yet also tender. I invite Him into my subconscious my dreamscape my memories my pain.. take him back with me invite him in and HE HELP ME my CHILD SELF he SAVES ME

suddwnly after the pain he finds my mouth, I’m still tied down but with my head to the side I suddenly feel his mouth on mine, probing and I kiss passionately back Thankyou Daddy showing him my love 

So I’m laying there face down naked on my bed ankles tied to the corners with rough rope a little slack because He knows it will me not to panic, to be able to struggle a little, not be able to get out tho. 
breathing. My breath comes a little easier now that I’ve been beat a little, scared a little.. I’ve been hating myself SO BAD 

I test my hands too, resting above my ass and also a bit of room but I can’t get out. I struggle and struggle and struggle!  And cry

”scream into my hand, guttarally- DO IT

I SCREAM. There’s no one to hear and I let it loose wild and full all the anger and FEAR and sadness

”you are no longer allowed to hide your tears from me Sarah. I will fucking beat it out of you otherwise” and He proves this by striping my legs for me, methodically ankles calves back of knees thighs 

”Say what you did you fucking cunt whore

I ate donuts 

thwack! Super hard, I need it, STINGS, will certainly leave a welt

”and? I know that’s not it the way you’ve been fucking up these days!

I wanted cigarettes again, the smell, the pack, to be bad

thwack! And again!

”you didn’t smoke today but you did yesterday. Two cigarettes. And not even repentant.  Wouldn’t even take your punishment.  Running. Fighting. Jesus, are you ever gonna learn? 

its hard to take but I have to get myself broken so I go on: I masturbated, I wasn’t thinking of you, I’m hating myself 

“did I SAY you could hate yourself Sarah?

no daddy

”so then wtf? I know you’re scared to be fully tied up but we’re gonna do that now.” He pulls my legs apart and ties them to the corners of the bed.  

He massages me like in the mall but he lingers on my ass and fingers me between my legs as he pleases and as I desire.  My hate or self dissipates a bit as I’m distracted by his touches.  Then he flips me face down and I hear his belt unbuckle, ah how j live for that sound.  He snaps it in his hands.  Between his rough workers hands.  And let’s loose on my ass 

“this is not fucking following the rules 

He cuts my T-shirt off me with the knife.  I hear it shred abd be so close to my skin.  Can’t see.  He pulls my shorts off but uses the knife to play around with my underwear.  
how could you wear these ugly underwear? I should cut you for that.  He pushes the blade into my belly a little but it doesn’t puncture.  Messes around for a long time playing with the blade under my underwear, eventually cutting them off me and I’m naked.  Running it along my pussy, I’m still very still to not be cut.  

He tells me to go to my room.  Immediately.  Drop everything, lay in my bed.  I’m depressed and deeply self hating and I lay there feeling some measure of relief to be laying not moving.  I grab my thick grey men’s zip up sweatshirt and cuddle it.  
“go in your heart now and visualize me handing you your rainbow brite doll

i do it, “love creates me in my perfection..” it doesn’t resonate but I pet the orange stringy hair and the cool porcelain face of the doll.  Admire the rainbow shiny costume.  Hug it to me along w the sweatshirt.

He puts a tight blindfold on me and fastens my hands behind my back, I’m on my side.  I feel a knife against my throat and get scared.   

Videos awesome too.  I always feel sexual with this song Altho I don’t think it’s about that 

Finally fading.  I want to share them.  I don’t do it anymore.  There are some on my arm but it’s from spaghetti sauce jumping out of the pan!

Going into another world!

I’m not as good as I thought.

As lonely as an old man - Will you please sit with me?

I didn’t do it right and I might’ve been wrong this whole time

(That’s ok, it’s not about that)

I’m sorry

I love the union pervading all existence 

The trees are my friend 

The moment is perfect

though there is pain and fatigue

I am completely here with you now

(here is your doll honey)

I can see the pink bunny with the ears that move and I can hear the song it sings and my Dad with the black feet let me pick it out at the State Fair - pink or blue I could choose 

Just make it stop and let me change I don’t know why I’m fighting 

Thank love for the surrender that embraces my creation (from my head to my heart)

DO THEY LOVE ME is not the right question it’s do I love me will I choose love for me

Nothing has to change not the pain, nothing

Gentle gentle 

There is nothing wrong with you

I have gotten rid of my dog, my cat and my husband too

I’m afraid but I’ll fare forth and see what can be 

My daddy had such patience with me last night.  He helped me open my heart, which I desperately needed to.  I am so grateful to him.  And Omgosh when I open to him there are SUCH things I imagine doing with my daddy..