BDSM Lifestyle – May 2021
M/s vs. D/s – There is a Significant Difference
I had to laugh today. On a post in a group a woman the age of my middle children tried to tell others what it was like, “back in the day.” Seriously, I wasn’t involved in the scene back in the day ie the 60’s and 70’s. Really, I cannot quit shaking me head about it. I have a clue, partly because I was mentored by a Master of a house that started in the 70’s, I still have friends who have been in the life more than 50 years who make my measly 30 look pale in comparison. So I figured I would throw a few factoids out there which might help some understand, yes there really is a difference between M/s and D/s other than how a person self-identifies.
Total Power Exchange: Typically, a hallmark of a M/s dynamic, or arrangement of a house, TPE does occur in some D/s relationships although much rarer in my estimation. A TPE is exactly what it implies, giving over all the control to the lead in the dynamic.
I hear a lot of chatter on the boards about TPE however it often includes some caveat or another about how much control the lead in the dynamic has. To me, that is not a TPE. It could be M/s, on the softer side of the spectrum, I would give them that.
One note: how that control is exerted can vary widely.
A TPE is not something that develops overnight. The level of trust required to go this deep takes a significant amount of time and dedication by all parties involved. It can also have a few hard stop items negotiated into it. For example, a person may have a certain trigger related to PTSD and includes this within the contract. Each is different and unique to the people involved.
Power Exchange: Any level of giving control to another whether it be for just a scene/play session, weekend, or most of the time. The primary difference between a TPE and PE is there are negotiated caveats that limit the level of control or amount of time control is maintained in a PE. This is typically seen in D/s relationship as well as Top/bottom arrangements.
Master (any gender): The lead of a Master/slave dynamic and/or house which maintains slaves. TPE is often the structure expected. Being a Master comes with an elevated responsibility (100%) and dedication to a slave or house which reflects the level of control granted. Total. If a slave fails in a task, creates a social issue within the house etc. the Master is responsible, and it is up to them to correct the issue and accept responsibility for the failure of their slave.
A Master is generally also someone who has attained mastery in the eyes of their peers. It is not a title one takes on to themselves but is granted out of respect and in recognition of their work, effort, and skill attained.
Note: with the exercise of TPE comes the responsibility of knowing what not to do and/or ask of their slave and the slave’s trust in them to exhibit restraint in that regard, with the best interest of the slave in mind.
Dominant (any gender): The lead in a Dominant/submissive relationship. The level of responsibility they have for their submissive is generally in line with the level of control granted to them. Limited to the time frames and activities negotiated. A Dominant is also expected to take responsibility for their submissive within the bounds of what was negotiated. Outside of what is negotiated, the submissive is responsible for themselves.
Top (any gender): A person who takes control for a scene or play session. Their control is generally limited to that play session, and potentially for a short period afterward. The time and activities are negotiated for each session. The Top is only responsible for a bottom during the scene/play session and for the potential care of marks injuries as a result of that scene/play session.
Slave (any gender): A person who submits completely to a Master and generally gives them total control over them. That Master may be theirs alone, or the head of a house. A slave is expected to do anything which is directed. They have given their dedication completely and in doing so trust the Master to have their best interest at heart.
Submissive (any gender): A person who gives partial control over to a Dominant based on defined limits and time frames which define the level of authority given to the Dominant. This is generally negotiated and revisited on a periodic basis to adjust limits and expectations which are in line with current circumstances. A submissive is expected to do what is directed by the Dominant, but only within the defined limits set within negotiations. In addition, if a particular item was not talked about prior, it is expected to be discussed prior to the Dominant attempting to act upon it.
Bottom (any gender): The person giving control to a Top for a scene/play session. They are only expected to comply with what was negotiated for that specific scene/play session. They are generally expected to communicate with the Top after play if there are issues arising from marks or injuries.
So with all that laid out, the differences between a M/s and D/s relationship are dramatic just based on roles. Mostly revolving around the level of control. But also, regarding mindset. To me, there is a significant difference in mindset between a Master and Dominant/slave and submissive. The level of trust, acceptance, devotion, and oneness (a bunch of intangibles that are difficult to describe) which contribute to a person being able to take or give over complete control.
Mutualism, a symbiotic relationship where both benefit combined with a complete immersion into the other. A really good M/s dynamic between two partners. This is the best way I can describe it without diving into paragraphs of material. There are books on the subject, scores of articles and still plenty of people who came up in houses who can attest to what their experiences were.
However, it seems times have changed, to where we self-designate according to self-view, rather than actual role or in recognition of what we have achieved. I am sure there are plenty here, new and older, who will disagree with all or part of this. Just relaying what I know in accordance with what I learned from my mentor, and along the way.
I will say this though. I see no pride in claiming something which I am not. There is no identity nor ownership which can be attached. No achievement to reflect on. Claiming something we are not, creates a paper tiger from which impossible expectations arise. Why would we put ourselves in that position?