Do you think the saying, "you can't miss what you've never had" rings true?
I have told myself that incredible lie for so long... in an attempt to find solace while knowing just how insignificant I am. Never meaning enough for anyone to cherish or protect me from harm. The people who were supposed to care about me, didnt. Those I wanted more than anything to mean something to, found no value in what or who I am. I can't seem to figure out what is wrong with me. Disease? Defect? Is this something I contracted, that can be cured? Was I born irrelevant, with no hope of overcoming this deficiency? I ask myself this more than I'd like to admit... over 25 years of contemplation, it feels like I'll never satisfy my profound longing to be claimed by an untamed savage who craves my flesh and beseeches the gods to show him favor... entrusting him to end my pain and mercifully seal this rotting cavity in my chest. To complete my soul, bring me back from the void, and deny my demons any further intamate familiarity. A remorseless heathen whose appetite is only satiated when I am safe and content in his charge... accepting my essence unto his own, to guard and protect. Each breath, each heart beat as one, indistinguishable by even the sharpest measure of discernment.
This affliction has become unbearable. One that requires stoicism beyond what the gods have afforded me.
Is this a test of my fidelity?
Have I been forsaken? Forgotten?
If my sentence isn't over, have I not known enough misery? Or, is it's purpose to break me permanently?
Having such a deep desire and lucid depiction of an experience I have yet to encounter is a manifestation of lunacy.
This emptiness feels so genuine... how is that possible?
Am I damned to this fate? ó-elba ó-áði þrá bǫlvaðr kvøl