Roman Catholics call it purgatory... an internment camp for penance. Not worthy for Heaven or Hell due to an outstanding debt with the house. Isolated somewhere that is nowhere, continuing to suffer for your sins until you make good on the marker.
Which of the seven deadlies are in collections?
Pride- although I consider myself humble, pride is the source of my shame and guilt. It takes an irresponsible sense of pride to make your living activity trying to slight God and believing you will succeed.
The penance for pride is packing a cumbersome stone to teach its courier humility. Heavy as the stone is, it sits evenly on my shoulders. A spot for it to rest worn from despair as I draw breath giving it stability... the weight reminds me I can be crushed, at any moment should God see fit.
Envy- "How do we begin to covet? We begin by coveting what we see every day." - Hannibal Lecter. Me? I was envious of love. I lived my whole life, up until I was 30 not even knowing what actual love was. My eyes fixated on men I thought loved me even when reality, if I had raised my gaze, I wouldve seen the truth.
The penance for envy is having coveting eyes sewn shut. Its said that losing one sense heightens others. When I had perfect vision I still couldnt or chose not to see. Is stitching my eyes shut actually a blessing? My means of observation more tactile, forcing be to still and listen. Throwing a seam in my eyelids effectively closing the path the brain and heart take to engage in conflict.
Wrath- Next to pride, my greatest sin. I took it upon myself to pass judgment on others and cause them suffering. If a person showed up on my radar (zeroed in to a specific evil) their scales began to be weighed in my mind. Taking the smallest details to the scale. My anger fed until the day came when the dam broke. Judgement. I unleashed my wrath on individuals tipping the scale in the wrong direction in the role I held.
The penance for wrath is walking in thick, blinding smoke. You cannot weigh all the little details... the state of the house, the looks on family members faces, their reactions, the tell tale signs with your vision restricted. Each person becomes just a person and the job is done for one as it is for all.
Sloth- In its very applicable definition, I committed sloth as I was slow in turning to God. I asserted my faith. Asserted it. Loved my Lord and Savior without ever wavering. In the scriptures it talks about reaching out to God in your darkest days, and how it sadness Him when we dont... the parable of the shepherd with the 1 in 99 sheep that found itself lost. I have been the root of so much sadness.
The penance for sloth is running constantly, purging spiritual laziness. Seems only appropriate to give sweat for tears... one drop of my sweat for every tear I drew from God's eyes.
Greed- Pain. I wanted everyone's pain. Mine. Pride telling me I could take it. Wrath proving I couldnt. "Better me than them" (pride). "You'll never hurt anynone again" (wrath). I wanted the pain. I needed it. I needed to save everyone. Heh, my sister told me one night that "nobody needed me to be their fuckin hero." I NEEDED IT!
The penance for greed is having to lie face down on the ground, unable to look up. This would truly be hell for me. Not being able to help isnt the real punishment. The real punishment is being the one that needs help.
Gluttony- Habitual and excessive consumption of alcohol and substances. It became a way of life, to have the energy to zip my boots up everyday. Restrain my demons so I could "try again". Even though it was part of my routine, it was not my biggest sin. Just as sins I consider to be more severe fed my greed. Gluttony nourished my need for pain and greatly influenced my sloth.
The penance for gluttony is suffering from hunger and thirst, looking at trees laden with fruit they can't eat. In a word, sobriety. Nothing holding my demons at bay. Struggling with psych med after psych med with no end in sight. The treatments ineffective... the fruit providing no satisfaction.
Lust- "Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." - Edgar Allen Poe. Despair. I was draw to it, sought it out. It was intoxicating and my appetite for the deepest despair became a monster of its own. I refused to accept I had reached or would ever rwach the darkest darkness, so my passion for despair was insatiable.
The penance for lust is walking through flames to purifying one of excessive desire. I suppose its funny that enthralled with darkness, I am made to walk in the light of flames. Where there is light, there can be no darkness. Snatching out a part of my soul... my blackened heart dead, lividity fixed. Opening a cavity in my chest for the glow of the flames to seep in, casting out what is craved more than anything.