Something just popped up in my mind. The saying is, "we're always harder on ourselves than we are on others". Some shit like that, dont quote me... so I step back for a minute. I take responsibility for my behavior in the past. I learned the way I experienced and processed my world was muddled and often irrational to most anyone else. If this is how I fight my own psyche, how horrible was i on other people.
This whole year I've been so worried about figuring out why my mind is dying because I'm afraid ill end up a prisoner in there unable to communicate or think clearly. I realized just now, I'm already incarcerated. My body quit on me. For good reason, but I continue to learn and gain knowledge. The problem is that my physical condition inspires no confidence in others, so my ability to contribute anything of value as a professional, is never even considered or doubted . This is just gen pop rather than solitary.
I used to think PTSD was my penance. The demons, the nightmares, my addiction, and ineffective coping with substance abuse. Then somehow I had the courage to get help... learning to manage my demons. Hope.
Now Im thinking experiencing that hope and watching is slip thru my fingers is my penance.