The past few days have prompted me to dig deeeeep down inside for some patience and understanding with myself. Honestly, I think I've fallen short in that goal. But, as Scarlett said, "I'll think about that tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." That is me giving myself some grace to be imperfect.
I made myself a promise years ago that I would not repeat the cycles of abuse and abandonment that have been perpetuated in my family. I'm trying...most days I feel like I'm failing.
I struggle with myself on a daily basis. It would be so easy to just get in my car, throw it in drive, put foot to pedal and go. Leave everyone and everything behind. All the responsibilities. All the expectations. All the burdens. All the cares. Gone with the wind. Casper wouldn't have shit on me.
My bio dad abandoned us. His mother abandoned him and his brother. Maybe it's in my blood? Maybe we're all sick? Maybe I'm genetically wired to be incapable of sticking it out as a parent?
But I can't do that, can I?
But then I wonder, is it better for him if I left? What if I'm causing more harm by staying? What if I'm turning into all the toxic traits my mother embodied? In some ways, what she did to me was worse than just leaving. The physical and mental abuse her father perpetuated upon her is inexcusable. What is really in his best interest, having a deficient mother or having one that can say enough is enough?
I don't want to be the cause of him questioning everything good about himself. I don't want to break him. I don't want to rob him of his self-worth. I am trying so fucking hard to be more and do better and I am my harshest critic. But am I failure?
So I stay. And I try. Every day. And I try to give myself grace.
