**First, disclaimer: This post has literally 0 to do with any person that I am aware of on this site. These are merely thoughts I have been trying to process regarding a Person in my life.**
**Second, the context in which I use "relationship", refers to any kind of exchange between two or more persons that promotes positive feelings, such as security and enjoyment. This does not have be romantic or sexual in nature.**
Do I sometimes drop the so-called ball when it comes to communicating my needs to people? Certainly, yes. This is usually a result of: A) I forget sometimes that my moral code is not that of other people. And I do mean in what one views as respectful/disrespectful or right/wrong. What is just incontrovertible fact for me may not even be a passing thought to someone else. I seek to approach any interaction with that acceptance and understanding. And B), I am still on a journey of relearning trust in myself to discern certain boundaries, vocalize my discontent with their violation, and then act to establish the necessary boundaries to prevent me from being caught up in their energy orbit fruitlessly.
Insecurities about my true appeal and worth to people (my problems to work through) have made me develop a need for very thorough communication when it comes to any relationship, but especially one that is solely developed over cyber space. I do not feel that I am unreasonable in those needs or requests. But, the problem starts with me. I will own that. My insecurities make it hard to open myself to someone and explain my needs for a mutually productive relationship, i.e. discerning, vocalizing & creating boundaries. But, I cannot expect someone to be able to read my mind or abide by the same code I do.
What I have learned about myself, but struggle to communicate until I get pushed into it, is that I find it incredibly rude and disrespectful to fail to communicate effectively to your Persons, whom you have been conducting a regular routine of communication with, when that routine is disrupted. Or, if the reason for disruption is completely understood, but causes communication to be derailed significantly, how you can not have some kind of system by which you check in after a set period of time to at least let your Persons know that you are making it, even if it's a struggle currently?
When I go thru my bouts of withdrawing from human contact, my Persons are made aware, they understand and we have an established agreement that they will not insert themselves unnecessarily into my personal space. They WILL ask me to check in on occasion. They will send me a text. They don't come by my house and they don't call me because they respect my need for space. They DO expect that I respond within a reasonable amount of time. Over time, it has been established between my Persons and myself, that a general 24 hour period is a reasonable response time. That is what naturally ended up working. And I NEVER fail to respond.
I do that out of respect for the relationship we have established. They love me, they care about me, they want me safe, they want me sane, they worry and they have needs that I fulfill for them as they do for me. I cannot for the life of me begin to fathom a scenario in which I would not do this for my Persons. Or in other types of relationships, but applied appropriately. You're probably not going to miss work for 3 days and not call your boss unless you want to be fired. You're most likely not going to neglect to turn in 3 days worth of assignments AND miss the exam and expect to receive accolades...you might even fail the class. I doubt anyone would leave their dependent (but legally able) child home alone for 3 days without expecting regular check-ins. What makes other personal relationships any different?
Even if our interaction is solely cyber, if we have a thoroughly established communication routine (many many months or venturing into multiple years), and that routine has become understandably disrupted, the request for an occasional check-in, made with 100% acceptance of the disruption, with no shaming seems self-explanatory to me. I cannot understand how it wouldn't be reasonable and acceptable and understood. It takes mere seconds to send an emoji or a couple words, "I'm okay". And I know people see things differently. But I'm struggling with comprehending how even that can be too much to do for a person you've considered yourself to have a mutually respected relationship with.
This makes me question myself, my ability to judge (and yes, I use this term deliberately, do what you want with that) the content of my Person's character, my worth (Was I deceived? Did I deceive myself?), and how I chose to apply my energy. Just some thoughts.
I write this for myself, to process my thoughts more than any other reason. I share with the thought that maybe it will help, whether that be catharsis for myself or a light bulb for someone else, doesn't matter.
