For myself & no other:
November 30,2023
I am taking a moment to congratulate and appreciate myself. I have achieved a moment of serious growth. I am incredibly proud of myself and wish to record this, for myself & no one else.
It is no secret to anyone that I have always struggled with heavy depression. It really isn’t a shock or unexpected after the life I have lived, the things that have happened. The last ten years have been a whirlwind; chaos and tumult in its penultimate form. Life has been a seemingly neverending parade of bullshittery in disproportionate amounts. Most of it has been out of my control, but what has always been in my control has been myself, how I handle and react to events.
There have been some not so great decisions on my part throughout these years. And I own that. But, I also own that my decision-making abilities were skewed through the lens of traumatization. Some of the decisions I have made wrought some major, irrevocable life changes. I have come to accept that there is no going back for me. The way forward now is to mold and shape myself anew, with the unwavering goal being sustainable growth in all facets of my life.
After what seemed an interminable amount of time, I am finally in a good place internally. Achieving this is, and has been, the impetus for enacting any other positive changes in my life. And this feels good, but I’m also terrified. I am scared that this is going to be a false start, like so many others. I carry anxiety over the thought that everything will come tumbling down, just like it has in the past…every time…without fail. And I am genuinely unsure if I will be able to cope with it again. I am terrified that I can’t do this, that there is something inside of me that is inherently broken and incapable of navigating in this world. I am not sure that I will survive it this time.
I am desperate. Desperate for better. Desperate for healing. Desperate for wholeness. Desperate for peace. I need this. I need to be okay. And I know there will be things that happen, stressors that cause minor chaos. I know that is just part of living. And I can handle that. The last month has demonstrated that very clearly to me, hence my taking a moment to toot my own horn. What I cannot handle is some crazy fucking monstrosity of an event to happen that is completely outlandish and unprecedented. So, I hope and I pray with all that I am that this is the moment my life finally becomes manageable and enjoyable without some crazy setback.
On to my horn, toot toot! Over the last few months, I have been desperately trying to relearn how to maintain control over the things I can in order to foster postive growth. At the same time, I have been working to accept and cope with the stressors around me that are outside the scope of my ability to exercise change. I have successfully created a personal space that is soothing. This consists of literally the one room, my bedroom. But, I have been slowly organizing and maintaining a neat and orderly environment that I can escape to when the rest of my living area is complete and utter chaos that is mostly outside my control. I have created a personal oasis and kept it consistently for months now.
I have also enacted changes in my diet, slowly but surely so as not to overwhelm myself. I have consistently maintained this progress and grown it. I have achieved tangible results. And the last thing I have done is to slowly establish a self-care routine. I had to take it back to basics and establish a firm foundation. Setting easily achievable mini goals for finite periods of time and then compounding mini goal on top of mini goal. Now, I am solidly on the way back to my former self-care routines that created such clarity and peace of mind for me. These things have been the only large goals that I set for myself. Broad goals that were adaptable for any given moment. Goals that could withstand a setback and still maintain a forward momentum. And I have done it for months now without failing. I am so incredibly proud of the progress I have made.
November has been a period of trials and tribulations for me, set in my path to test my progress, my commitment and my fortitude. In thirty days, I have dealt with the erosion of a twenty year friendship to the point where it will basically be nonexistent. This ending is also causing extreme chaos within our shared work environment, quite abruptly, because of decisions made on their part. I very much do not appreciate this, it is like a double whammy. Not only have they burnt me on a personal level, but they are also burning me on a professional one. I am so incredibly hurt and angry with the entire situation. This is a huge deal for me to create this distance for my sanity and well-being as I am such a loyal person. It feels wrong to do this, but I really must.
My transmission died in a car that I have owned less than a year. I got the car after my prior car was totaled by a deer last Christmas. The new car is 10 years old and had only 11,000 miles when I purchased it. I did not anticipate having to put $2000 worth of transmission repairs on a credit card that I just got paid off thru a debt consolidation loan, which completely negates the purpose of the loan in the first place. And this happened 3 weeks before the family vacation my sister’s family and mine have booked for which my car was needed for transportation. And car parts are hella hard to get here, with most repairs taking 2-3 months at any shop.
In addition, I finally found myself in a financial postion to be able to get medical insurance for the first time in my adult life this year. I have been super excited about this. I researched heavily to find a plan that met my specific needs and was accepted by my PCP & his facility. After breaking out with shingles at the age of 34 a week and a half ago, I went to the doctor to get help. In total,I have made 3 visits to my PCP since September. One was a follow-up for routine care, one was because I had a severe sinus infection & then the shingles.
Last week, I received notice from my insurance company that all 3 of the claims from those visits were being denied because my PCP & his facility were not in-network for my plan…despite me basing my choice in plan specifically on that. I was being told that I now owed my Dr’s office $800 & it also seems as if I have now wasted over $1200 for insurance that I can’t use locally. Money which would cover the repair of my transmission, by the way.
All of these things, coupled with the fact that my son, who is autistic, has been in meltdown mode for the last three weeks without being able to find a solution, well, it has been very stressful for me. And, these things may not be stressful to some and, honestly, if they were only happening one or two at a time, they probably wouldn’t be as bad. But, having them all happen within a couple weeks of each other and trying to juggle it all, while still working full time has been tough for me.
My toot toot moment though? Despite all of the above mentioned stressors in such short span of time, I have managed to consistently maintain all of my goals and even progressed further. I have been able to maintain a healthier mindset for processing the stressors. Granted, I’ve also been heavily compartmentalizing in order to function, but I am also allowing myself space to unpack things as I am able.
This may seem like such a simple thing to some, but this is huge for me. So, today I am proud of myself and things are working themselves out. I got the $800 in medical bills wriiten off since it was an error on the part of the physician’s office. I do still have to figure out the insurance portion, but that is completely doable. My car is most likely going to be fixed within the next week instead of a couple months. This means I may have the car for our vacation which would make everyone’s life here so much easier. In one week, my friend will finally be a nonissue in both my personal and professional life. I do still have to unpack the hurt that I have pushed away because of this, but I will handle that once they are no longer in my face every day.
I also have an amazing opportunity laid before me that will enable me to further preserve my peace and growth. This is something really big. It could mean a whole multitude of goodness for myself and those within my care. And all I have to do to get it is maintain what I’ve already been doing and continue to grow. And I am scared. I don’t want to fuck this up.
