3/23/24 11:05pm
Immediate Problem: Childcare
Almost 2(?) years ago, I moved myself, along with my now 8 yr-old son, into a shared household with my sister, brother-in-law & 3 nieces, now aged 8, 6 & 6. Well, the twins technically won’t be 6 until 3/28(?). As a combined household, we also had 3 large dogs and 2 cats. About a year ago, that multiplied into 5 cats when my sister’s un-spayed female escaped the house one night. As anyone might imagine, that was a whole lot of constant chaos in a 1900 sq ft abode.
The biggest impetus for the household merger, for me, was the help this provided for my son and, by extension, me and my mental health. If you know about my son’s struggles, then you know. Suffice to say, he is a kid that needs a little extra care and understanding. And a whole lotta patience! Not everyone and everything is for him.
This makes navigating the world more complicated and stressful for him, and everyone else in his life, who are trying their best to help him through it. He can find it hard to control his behavior. Not everyone knows how to give him grace and turn it around. Hell, even those of us in the trenches don’t know what we are doing 90% of the time. We are muddling our way through this terrain with him.
If you know my struggles, then you know. I live with a darkness inside me. I fight tooth and nail every day to navigate, and slowly illuminate, that darkness. Between myself and my son, this shit sucks…straight up. It’s fucking HARD about 70% of the time on a day to day basis. It’s hard for him. And it’s hard for me. And it’s hard for our village. Not whining, just stating hard facts.
Right now, one of the hardest things we are navigating as a village, with me at the helm, is finding childcare for summer holidays. Three months ago, I moved myself and my son and our cat and dog back into a space of our own. This completely altered our established dynamic when it came to his childcare. My sister, K, has been a stay-at-home mom since the twins were born. Towards the end of the last school year, she was hired by the school system to be my son’s shadow. She has been invaluable in my ability to maintain a full time job. Only one step above my boss, who goes above and beyond to accommodate my needs when it comes to my son.
However, the move, coupled with her job, has resulted in not having childcare for the summer holidays. K has kept him for the shorter holidays like Christmas and the upcoming Spring Break. But she has, understandably, said she needs the summer as a break. Some time to allow her space from caring for my son. His prior baby sitter, before our household merger, wouldn’t take him back, largely due to his behavior. Options are limited. I can’t afford to hire an individual.
Summer programs are a possibility, but the likelihood of it working out is slim. Again, due to his behavior. I will most likely end up missing work many times. There is also a distinct possibility he could get kicked from the program because they will not be equipped to deal with him.
I have a line on an individual that I could possibly create an affordable arrangement with. My problem here is that neither I, or my immediate village, know anything about this individual. My automatic wariness of the absolute awfulness the world has to offer makes me so incredibly reluctant to take this path. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. And I know the average person is usually relatively decent. But, there are enough subpar specimens out there, everything in me screams it’s too big of a risk. The benefit of the doubt here could cause irreparable harm. I’m going to at least call them and speak with them.
I’ve approached my boss about an absolute last ditch option because it carries its own set of risks. Though, I have given much thought on risk mitigation and have an 80% positive feeling about it. He is not on board and we left it at “I’ll think about it, but keep looking.” And I’m not gonna lie, I’m a bit disappointed. I didn’t think the idea was that outlandish. And I really didn’t think it is that big of an ask, at least the bare minimum that I put forth for consideration.
12:02 am - Extended Problems
It hurt my feelings, the initial denial on his part. I wasn’t expecting it. I was banking on a 95% chance of success, but that 5% has kicked my ass. And I’m feeling very discouraged. And overwhelmed. And fucking sad. I’m also feeling trapped, cornered. It’s putting me on edge and tripping my fight switch. An animal, I feel feral.
I’m fucking angry. Selfishly, righteously angry. It’s a soul deep anger, so much deeper than just the base level triggers. I’m pissed at the world we are forced to adapt to. This shit should not be so godsdamned hard. To simply live, without a constant heap of unnecessary stress. Stress manufactured to keep us trapped and too fucking exhausted.
I don’t ask for handouts. I don’t expect something for nothing. I’m not scared of hard work. I bust my ass, but I’m trapped on this fucking hamster wheel, in a cage I never asked to be born into. I was made for a simpler way of life. No less difficult, but less constricting. Less disruptive to my soul.
And I’m trying. I’m trying my damnedest to climb out of this cesspit I’ve found myself drowning in. It’s ultimately my own creation. I’ve had people and circumstances aid in making it deeper and bigger, but my choice of reactions has kept me here. Though, it’s kinda hard to focus on personal growth when all my limited energy is focused on navigating work, my child and my household.
3/28/2024 8:27pm
I’m stuck in “freeze” mode right now. Feeling so overwhelmed and angry leaves me feeling scared. I’m scared to make any move at all. It feels like, if I make one wrong move, it’s going to push me over an edge I can’t come back from.
Yes, I’m strong. Yes, I’m capable. But, for fuck’s sake, I need a breather. I need to lay my burdens down, just for a moment. Give me a respite. I cry sanctuary.
I recently came face to face with a situation that acted as a mirror, showing me where my toxicity lies. Enough time has passed that the traumas no longer carry the same weight. I am now at a place that requires me to dig deeper into myself and face some hard truths.
I have conditioned thought processes and emotional responses that were developed to allow me the ability to survive. Now, I am on the other side, and I have to teach myself how to live outside of survival mode. Not everything and everyone deserves the reaction of a legitimate threat.
I was recently triggered by a customer. The way he interacted with me, the way he spoke, the way he stood, the way he dismissed me and spoke over me with words designed to accuse and blame. Everything about this man set me on edge. I reacted from my trauma and came out verbally swinging, matching his energy.
I should not have allowed him this power over me. I am reaping the consequences of that decision. It came back to bite me professionally, my office receiving a corporate complaint regarding my behavior. Cue the reluctance on my boss’s part to grant my minimal request regarding childcare. I am convinced that, had my altercation not happened, my 95% estimation would have been accurate.
Now, the entire situation I am in regarding childcare, is further complicated because of my choices. Granted, I was triggered, but it is my responsibility to move myself past that. So much of my day to day living is being done through the lens of surviving trauma.
But, I don’t just want to survive. I want to thrive. I broke, but I want to mend and flourish in spite of it. I’d like to think I’m working towards being a better person than I would have been had I not lived this life. There is so much good in me. I have so much to give. I have so much power and ability and I want to attain it.
I’ve been tiptoeing and baby stepping my way among these shadows. But it is time. Time for me to plant my feet firmly and step with surety. Time to quit doubting myself and selling myself short. I have to do better.
