I want to blame you for 100% of what happened but I know in good conscience I cannot. I take full responsibility for accepting the scraps of attention and dominance you offered, and I apologize for that. I should have known better that doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome was an exercise in futility and the definition of insanity. But I hoped, foolishly, that things would be different this time. I so badly wanted to be chosen by you, to feel that I was enough and wanted and worthy, that I chose to ignore the reality of the situation as I knew it to be deep in my heart and logically in my brain. I believed the words about being collared and owned. I wanted that. I still do, but with someone that chooses me and only me. Not where I’m 3rd or 4th or further down in line. Not when I’ll be cast aside if and when your “forever” person shows up.
You knew that I had already told you that I was catching feelings after the last time and that’s why I pulled back. To protect myself. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice or three times….shame on me. I’m hating myself more than I hate you right now.
You asked to remain friends. I agreed at the time, but I’m not sure now that it is possible. Sometimes you have to wish the person well, send them off with good wishes and love and shut and lock the door firmly behind them.