I’m the kind of guy that stands on the outside edges of the crowd looking in. I used to think I belonged there, that I was most comfortable when I was unnoticed and alone. I’d lie to myself saying that I wasn’t lonely. After decades, a lifetime of standing beyond the edge of the crowd, Pink Floyd said it best: I have become comfortably numb. And I am doing it to myself again.
Today I have spent almost an hour looking at people’s profiles and doing nothing. I read several blogs from other people and I left no comments, no likes, nothing. I have allocated myself to the very edge of the crowd, where the shadows keep me hidden and I won’t let myself join in. Except for this one quiet call to the crowd hoping that someone might turn around and notice me.
I have a deep longing to join in. I feel myself wanting to leave the safety of the shadows and go mingle with everyone. But I can’t. Too much experience and hard lessons have taught me to stay out. To avoid being noticed.
So I strike stupid balance with myself. I tell myself that simply logging onto the site and reading profiles is me trying to be social. But it’s not. I tell myself that writing these entries is me talking to people. But again, I write to no one. All I do is write to myself and then give others a chance to read it. So again, I’m not really being social.
Because I feel dirty when I do, as if I’m doing something wrong by talking to others. I feel as if I’m giving away my deepest secrets by telling someone my name, or benign mundane details about myself. I dread the moment those small innocent pieces of information will come back to haunt me, just waiting for the moment they will be used against me. And it isn’t just a simple child’s fear, this is a monster size fear that has teeth. It’s bitten me before and proven that it can harm.
So I push myself into the shadows to stay safe, longing to reach out and leave this prison I’m in. Telling myself that I’m satisfied just being able to see the light through a tunnel of darkness. But in the back of my mind lies a tiny question: How far will I push myself away from people before I’ve moved so far away that I cannot ever come back again?
Then it hits me, I’m drowning and I don’t even realize that I’m not breathing. My head is slipping under the waves and I keep telling myself that everything is ok. Just stay where you are and don’t move. That I’m going to be just fine. That I’m not cold, I’m not alone and I’m not scared.
And I’m so far away from everyone that no one knows what’s happening to me. They can’t see what’s going on because I have removed myself to the point that no one knows I’m even there. And I don’t know if I can save myself anymore.
(Please do not try and give me sympathy or leave comments to cheer me up. That will only make things worse for me. But if you have had similar feelings yourself, or have a similar story, I welcome those kinds of comments. Thank you.)
