Entering the BDSM community when you're new can be an especially intimidating, nerve-wracking, daunting time. With so much to learn, so many people to meet, and keeping your safety and personal protocols at the forefront it can be tough to find your direction, let alone your place in the community.
With that said, there are four foundations of BDSM that are some of the most important aspects of your learning and growth:
Limits:
Limits consist of activities you will do, won't do, and/or might do based on your level of trust in a play partner or relationship partner. The following explains the basic meaning of limits:
Hard Limits - Hard limits consist of activities that you will not engage in under any circumstances. For example, if you want to include spanking as a part of your impact scene but you do NOT want to include paddles in your impact scene then paddles could be considered a hard limit as there are no circumstances where you would enjoy paddles being included in your play.
Soft Limits - Soft limits consist of activities you may engage in but only with someone you trust. For example, if your known and/or trusted play or relationship partner suggests paddles in a scene, that MIGHT be okay as you know and trust the person you are playing with. If a stranger asks you to engage in play with paddles that would NOT be okay as you do NOT know or trust the person asking to play with you.
Always remember that your limits are your own. No one can tell you what your limits are or are not. Only you know what your emotional, mental and physical self can take so choose your limits wisely and be open to having a trusted partner push them without pushing you past them. Limits are meant to help you safely explore and learn during play. Limits can be pushed but never broken.
Protocols:
Protocols are a general set of behaviors and/or rules that determine both how you act towards others and how others act towards you. There are personal protocols and relationship protocols. Protocols transcend gender or sexual identity and your role in the kink community but personal protocols can differ from relationship protocols. The following briefly explains how protocols work:
Personal Protocols - Personal protocols can include things like touch, pronouns, how a person approaches you, or how you're addressed. For example, if you do not like to be touched by someone you do NOT know (i.e. hugging, putting hands on any part of your body, etc), your personal protocols would include no touching under any circumstances. Personal protocols for people you do know and trust can be different. Bottom line... personal protocols are there to keep you safe and communicate how you like to be treated around others.
Relationship Protocols - Relationship protocols are generally the same as personal protocols but if you identify as submissive and you're engaging in a D/s, M/s or related relationship dynamic, the person in the Dominant role of your relationship may be the person creating and maintaining your protocols. For example, your Dominant identified partner may have negotiated with you to NOT allow unfamiliar people to touch you without first asking permission. Protocols can always be negotiated/re-negotiated as your relationship grows and depending on the kind of dynamic you're engaging in. Just remember that protocols should never go against your limits.
Protocols also transcend gender and sexual identity as well as your role in your relationship dynamic or in your community. Protocols should be based on your personal wants and needs or those of your negotiated relationship dynamic.
Negotiation:
Negotiation is one of the most important aspects of both play and relationships. When you and a potential partner are ready to engage in conversations about playing or relationships, negotiation is the best tool to use to let each other know what you both plan to bring to the table. Some of the topics you may want to negotiate are; type of play, what implements will be used during play, sexual play, time, date, location of play, and more.
Negotiating play doesn't necessarily have to take too long but it certainly can. Pick-up play occurs often at dungeons or play parties and negotiations for pick-up play can be quick but it's important to take your time and fully negotiate every aspect of the scene you'll be engaging in to ensure maximum comfortability. Negotiating a relationship dynamic can take days, weeks, or months. It's important to know that if you can think of a question, you should be asking it during your negotiation period. When you're negotiating a relationship dynamic no topic should be left out. Relationship negotiations should always include things like type of relationship, levels of control, limits, protocols, types of play, types of discipline, types of punishment, and much, much more.
Negotiations should always be balanced with each person being heard.
Consent:
Consent is another of the most important aspects of both play and relationship dynamics. When negotiating play or a relationship dynamic, consent is a tool used to agree to or disagree with any terms of your negotiations. Consent involves either the enthusiastic or "firm" YES or the enthusiastic or "firm" NO. "Umm," "maybe" or "I don't know" does NOT constitute a yes, these terms would fall under the NO column. If it's not a firm yes, it's a firm no. It's important to remember that consent is on a moment-to-moment basis. This means that consent can be revoked as fast as it can be granted. You can revoke consent ANYTIME during play and even within your relationship dynamic. No reason is required to give or revoke consent, it only matters that your consent (or lack thereof) is respected at all times.