Newbie Corner: Beginning Your Journey

Of the many sub-cultures under the umbrella of BDSM, Leather is one of the most popular and most prolific. You may have attended an event, party, or munch and seen people wearing Leather vests, chaps, pants, or other Leather articles of clothing. These folks may follow a "Leather path" which is a lifestyle of living under the tenets of honor, service, accountability, humility, responsibility, and other similar traits. 

The Leather lifestyle goes way back to the 1940s after world war 2 ended. As servicemen returned to the states from Europe, they were given the option of bringing back their Harley Davidson motorcycles if they paid for the transportation. This idea was quite popular and many servicemen happily paid to have their bikes flown or shipped via military boat back to the states. As servicemen received their bikes, riding clubs were created thus pushing motorcycle culture miles ahead. Along with their motorcycles, servicemen also had their Leather jackets, boots, and other items that became clothing staples. They wore Leather for protection from road rash, hot pipes, weather, and other issues that can arise when riding. Leather also provided a sense of style that created a specific look that riders (and spectators) enjoyed.

Fast forward to the 1950s. As both motorcycle and gay cultures merged, some of the very first motorcycle clubs for gay men were born in Los Angeles including the legendary Satyrs (est in 1954), and Oedipus, (est in 1958). As gay Leather culture grew, more and more motorcycle clubs for gay men began to form. In San Francisco, gay Leather motorcycle clubs included the Warlocks and the California Motor Club. Outside the US, the South Pacific Motor Club, or SPMC was born in Sidney, Australia. In addition to gay Leather motorcycle clubs, brick and mortar Leather Clubs for gay men started in Amsterdam and Berlin in the 1950s as well. The legendary Chuck Renslow and his partner Dom Orejudos founded the first gay Leather bar in the US, The Gold Coast Bar, in Chicago in 1958.

In June of 1964, Life magazine became the first national publication to report on the issues the gay community faced. A photographer for Life magazine was referred to a New York gay bar, The Tool Box, for the article “Homosexuality In America by Paul Welch" by long-time gay activist Hal Call who spent years attempting to dispel the opinion that all gay men were effeminate. The article opened with a two-page spread of the mural of life-size Leathermen in the Tool Box which had been painted by Chuck Arnett in 1962, and described San Francisco as “The Gay Capital of America.” After this article was published, San Francisco became a mecca for many gay Leathermen.

The 1953 film The Wild One, starring Marlon Brando, wearing jeans, a T-shirt, a leather jacket, and a Muir cap, became a pop-cultural phenomenon and promoted an image of masculinity that resonated with many gay men who were disappointed with the stereotype that gay men were effeminate. The Leather community that emerged from the motorcycle and gay Leather bars also became the practical and symbolic locations for gay men’s open exploration of kink and S&M opening the door to what we know today as the Leather community.

A safe call is a phone call that you set up with a trusted friend or family member for the purpose of checking in when spending time with someone unfamiliar or someone with whom you haven't built a firm level of trust. You can set up your safe call by following the following tips:

- Find someone you trust explicitly who will be available for the entire duration of the time that you are spending with the unfamiliar person.

- Forward all of the information you have about the person you are spending time with to your designated safe call including but not limited to; description, full name, vehicle information, where you're going, schedule, mode of transportation and any other pertinent information, the more the better.

- Don't just set up one call, set up multiple. Setting up multiple safe calls (with the same person) creates a timeline in case friends, family or law enforcement needs to get involved.

- At least three safe calls are suggested; first call - when you're about to leave OR when you arrive at your destination, second call - made roughly in the middle of your date or two to three hours in, third call - when you are home safe with doors locked.

- Do not use text messaging as a safe call. Anyone can gain access to your cell phone if they really want to and send a text in your name.

- Under no circumstances should you skip or otherwise miss a safe call. It is imperative that you follow through on the number of safe calls that you negotiated. Failure to do so could endanger your designated safe call and result in law enforcement being called to search for you.

It's important to do your due diligence when setting up dates and other events with unfamiliar people. Be sure to confirm any and all information you receive and get it all down either in written form or via text or email. The more information you have, the easier it will be to follow in your footsteps in the case something goes wrong. 

Following these steps can ensure safety and a good headspace!

What steps do you use for your safe calls?

A safeword is primarily used to slow, pause or stop the play that you're engaging in during a scene. A safeword can be just about anything but should be something easy to remember so you don't have to think too hard when you're in Top or subspace. Typically, many kinksters use the "stoplight system" which is shown below:

Red = Hard stop

Yellow = Slow or pause

Green = Go, go, go!

If you would rather use your own safeword, you absolutely can. A personal safeword can be a word or a number and it's important to remember that it should be limited to one or two words maximum or a very short number so you can easily recall and say your safe word when you have to. The safeword is a great tool to let your play or relationship partner know that something is amiss and you need a moment or that you need to stop.

When the safeword you use may not be your own.

Your personal safeword is always yours to use except in the case of a public or private dungeon protocol. Many public or private dungeons will use a "house" safeword which is a safeword designated by the owner, manager or dungeon master (DM) for the purposes of managing a group of players within the same play space. Since the DM's job is to ensure the safety of the attendees of the dungeon as well as the property and property owner/manager, using one safeword makes it helpful to the DM to be able to instantly identify potential issues during a scene.

But what about gags?

As you may know, you can't use a safeword when you're wearing a gag, and pushing out "mmm mmm mmm" can only make your scene hotter! If you can't verbalize your safeword due to gags or other reasons, you can use something that will make a noise loud enough to catch the attention of your Top but not too loud that it startles everyone. Things like a ball or a set of keys work very well to get the attention of the person you're playing with.

In either situation, the safeword is a great tool to use to keep you safe.

Consent. It's one of the most important tools used when negotiating play and relationship dynamics. It transcends kink interests, gender identity, sexual identity, relationship roles... everything. How we use consent determines the what, where, when, how we play, and more. It's important to know that there is no gray area with consent as it's only given or revoked with an enthusiastic or firm yes or an enthusiastic or firm no. It's also important to know that consent is on a moment-to-moment basis. This means that consent can be given one moment and revoked the next without reason.

While we know that there is no gray area when using consent, there are several different ways consent can be used. The list below offers multiple types of consent and their meaning:

Affirmative - This is explicit, voluntary consent. (the enthusiastic yes)
Conditional - Granting consent with conditions or stipulations. (i.e. I'll do an impact scene but only with spanking and floggers but not with paddles)
Contractual - Mutually agreed upon consensual acts within a written and signed contract. (**please note BDSM contracts are NOT enforceable in a court of law)
Enthusiastic - Seeking the presence of a yes as opposed to the absence of a no. (A firm yes)
Implied - Consent that is granted by actions or obvious body language and not granted verbally.
Informed - Consent that is granted after being fully informed on all aspects of play. (Commonly used in consensual-non-consent (CNC))
Substituted - Consent that is granted to another for the purposes of negotiation and consent. (i.e. a Dominant granting consent for their submissive to play with a Dominant outside of their relationship)

Now that we know what consent means and how it's used, it's important to remember that, no matter what your role is, you have a voice. Use your voice, and make it work for you. Use consent every time you negotiate. This will keep you safe and will ensure that you're following the path to SSC play.

It’s not always easy to know what to say when someone tells you they’ve been suffering at the hands of an abuser, especially if they are a friend or family member. For a survivor, reaching out to someone can be one of the most difficult things to do and the words you choose are ultimately the difference between compounding the situation or helping to make it better.

When talking to a survivor of abuse, be sure to use specific phrases that avoid victim shaming.

What to say:

“I believe you."
“It’s not your fault."
"It took a lot of courage to tell me about this.”
"You didn’t do anything to deserve this.”
“You are not alone."
"I care about you and am here to listen or help in any way I can.”
“I’m sorry this happened."
"This shouldn’t have happened to you.”
"Thank you for telling me, I know it was difficult to do."
"I’m very glad you told me."
"I’m concerned about the health and safety of you and your children."
"There are people who can help you."
"I'm sorry you have been hurt."
"You are not to blame."
"No one deserves to be treated this way."
"I understand how difficult it is to change this situation."
"I will support you no matter what you decide to do."

What not to say:

"What did you do to make them hit you?”
“If it were me, I wouldn't put up with this."
“Why don't you just leave?
"Why do you stay with someone like that?”
“Why did you wait so long to say something?”
“Have you tried counseling?”
“Let me give you something for your nerves.”
“Why don’t you....”

One of the most important things to remember as an advocate is not to victim shame. Abuse is never the survivor's fault. There is never any reason to abuse or violate consent, ever.

Predators are savvy, they will do whatever they have to do to find the right person to abuse in the most unassuming ways. Predators will prey on those who are unsuspecting, new, withdrawn, vulnerable and anyone who they believe will be a quiet victim. It's important to remember that there are predators and those identifying as "Primal Predators." Primal predator is an identity much like identifying as Dominant, submissive, Top, bottom, B/bootblack, etc. Here are some things to look for when trying to identify a potential play partner vs. a potential predator.

A Play Partner:

Is patient
Is respectful
Wants to know your limits and your protocols
Will make you feel safe
Will gain your trust
Will communicate
Will make you comfortable enough to be open with him/her
Will be honest with you
Wants you to experience subspace
Wants to teach you something new
Never crosses the line
Is NEVER abusive

A Predator:

Doesn't use a safe word
Ignores limits
Doesn't give aftercare
Is someone you fear (and not in a good way)
Threatens to leave or abandon you if you don’t submit
Threatens violence if you don’t submit
Gives you expensive gifts to get you to do something you don’t honestly want to do
Makes you feel guilty if you can’t or won’t do something
Make you feel ugly and unwanted
Makes you feel like you’ve been raped after having sex
Ignore your needs, such as medical treatment, food or clothing
Questions your loyalty when you question their behavior
Slightly touchy feely
Preys on those who are anti-social, introverted
Stalks you
Refuses to take responsibility for actions and blames others or circumstances for failures
A sense of entitlement
Need for power and control
Inability to form intimate relationships with adults (inability to commit)
History of abuse
And much more...

R. A. C. K. - Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Following the RACK philosophy means being aware of the risks you take when engaging in BDSM and Kink play. It also means that both parties consent to the Kink that they are engaging in.

S. S. C. - Safe, Sane, Consensual. Similar to the R. A. C. K. Philosophy, following the SSC credo means that you are playing safe with someone in the right headspace and not under the influence of things like alcohol, drugs or other mind-altering or motor function affecting substances during consensual play.

P.R.I.C.K. - Personal Responsibility in Consensual Kink. This means that you are aware of your personal responsibility when engaging in kink play or relationship dynamics.

SafeWord - A safe word is a specific, easily remembered word that can be used to pause or stop a scene in progress. Typically, the word Red is used to stop play immediately and the word Yellow is used to pause or slow play. A safeword should always be something that is easily recalled during play, especially when you attain Top or subspace. During play where vocal ability is taken away, you can also substitute just about anything that will generate a noise loud enough (like keys, a ball or an aluminum can) to get a Top's attention, signaling that play needs to be paused or stopped.

Safe Call - Safe calls are set up with a trusted friend, family member, or spouse at different intervals during any time spent with someone that you do not know and haven't built trust. Safe calls can designate that you are safe and that you desire to continue on with your date or play session but they can also alert someone to a dangerous situation that you find yourself in. Safe calls can contain certain keywords or phrases which signal that help is needed.

Limits - A hard limit is something you will not do under any circumstances. A soft limit is something that you may not be open to at this time but may be open to trying in the future with someone you trust. A limit can also restrict with whom you try something as in something you will only do with a specific Dom/me, or in a specific play situation.

Protocols - A protocol is a specialized set of behaviors or rules that govern a certain situation or occasion. There is high protocol, moderate protocol, low protocol, and even specialized protocol. Protocols can be personal, within a relationship dynamic, created by a group, event or party host or venue. (i.e. No touching could be a personal protocol, a general venue protocol could be the use of the word "red" as a standard safe word set by a venue or event planner.)

Entering the BDSM community when you're new can be an especially intimidating, nerve-wracking, daunting time. With so much to learn, so many people to meet, and keeping your safety and personal protocols at the forefront it can be tough to find your direction, let alone your place in the community.

With that said, there are four foundations of BDSM that are some of the most important aspects of your learning and growth:

Limits:

Limits consist of activities you will do, won't do, and/or might do based on your level of trust in a play partner or relationship partner. The following explains the basic meaning of limits:

Hard Limits - Hard limits consist of activities that you will not engage in under any circumstances. For example, if you want to include spanking as a part of your impact scene but you do NOT want to include paddles in your impact scene then paddles could be considered a hard limit as there are no circumstances where you would enjoy paddles being included in your play.

Soft Limits - Soft limits consist of activities you may engage in but only with someone you trust. For example, if your known and/or trusted play or relationship partner suggests paddles in a scene, that MIGHT be okay as you know and trust the person you are playing with. If a stranger asks you to engage in play with paddles that would NOT be okay as you do NOT know or trust the person asking to play with you.

Always remember that your limits are your own. No one can tell you what your limits are or are not. Only you know what your emotional, mental and physical self can take so choose your limits wisely and be open to having a trusted partner push them without pushing you past them. Limits are meant to help you safely explore and learn during play. Limits can be pushed but never broken.

Protocols:

Protocols are a general set of behaviors and/or rules that determine both how you act towards others and how others act towards you. There are personal protocols and relationship protocols. Protocols transcend gender or sexual identity and your role in the kink community but personal protocols can differ from relationship protocols. The following briefly explains how protocols work:

Personal Protocols - Personal protocols can include things like touch, pronouns, how a person approaches you, or how you're addressed. For example, if you do not like to be touched by someone you do NOT know (i.e. hugging, putting hands on any part of your body, etc), your personal protocols would include no touching under any circumstances. Personal protocols for people you do know and trust can be different. Bottom line... personal protocols are there to keep you safe and communicate how you like to be treated around others.

Relationship Protocols - Relationship protocols are generally the same as personal protocols but if you identify as submissive and you're engaging in a D/s, M/s or related relationship dynamic, the person in the Dominant role of your relationship may be the person creating and maintaining your protocols. For example, your Dominant identified partner may have negotiated with you to NOT allow unfamiliar people to touch you without first asking permission. Protocols can always be negotiated/re-negotiated as your relationship grows and depending on the kind of dynamic you're engaging in. Just remember that protocols should never go against your limits.

Protocols also transcend gender and sexual identity as well as your role in your relationship dynamic or in your community. Protocols should be based on your personal wants and needs or those of your negotiated relationship dynamic.

Negotiation:

Negotiation is one of the most important aspects of both play and relationships. When you and a potential partner are ready to engage in conversations about playing or relationships, negotiation is the best tool to use to let each other know what you both plan to bring to the table. Some of the topics you may want to negotiate are; type of play, what implements will be used during play, sexual play, time, date, location of play, and more.

Negotiating play doesn't necessarily have to take too long but it certainly can. Pick-up play occurs often at dungeons or play parties and negotiations for pick-up play can be quick but it's important to take your time and fully negotiate every aspect of the scene you'll be engaging in to ensure maximum comfortability. Negotiating a relationship dynamic can take days, weeks, or months. It's important to know that if you can think of a question, you should be asking it during your negotiation period. When you're negotiating a relationship dynamic no topic should be left out. Relationship negotiations should always include things like type of relationship, levels of control, limits, protocols, types of play, types of discipline, types of punishment, and much, much more.

Negotiations should always be balanced with each person being heard.

Consent:

Consent is another of the most important aspects of both play and relationship dynamics. When negotiating play or a relationship dynamic, consent is a tool used to agree to or disagree with any terms of your negotiations. Consent involves either the enthusiastic or "firm" YES or the enthusiastic or "firm" NO. "Umm," "maybe" or "I don't know" does NOT constitute a yes, these terms would fall under the NO column. If it's not a firm yes, it's a firm no. It's important to remember that consent is on a moment-to-moment basis. This means that consent can be revoked as fast as it can be granted. You can revoke consent ANYTIME during play and even within your relationship dynamic. No reason is required to give or revoke consent, it only matters that your consent (or lack thereof) is respected at all times.