Okay so maybe the blog title sounds a little pretentious but that's how I'm feeling these days. I decided to write a blog so that I can look back on how I felt at different times along the way, what I learned, and where I believed I was going. I say "believed" because sometimes you go in a different direction than you originally intended, and that's okay. I enjoy moving through life with an open mind.
Background: I had some life upheaval starting last December and started doing some deep research on why I was so unsatisfied with my then relationship. I was diagnosed with pre-cancer in one breast, which is great because it was caught early and only required a chunk of flesh removed and several weeks of radiation treatments all of which I weathered quite well. At the time of my diagnosis my then husband began going off the rails - ranting and raging at me when I didn't handle things the way he thought I should. I realized that all the anger was because my life was no longer about him. He wasn't dominant, just a narcissist. Dominance and submission was not part of my vocabulary at that point but I was able to recognize the constant manipulation of a narcissist. So I divorced him.
Six months later, I was divorced, he was out of my house, and I had done a lot of thinking about why I chose the relationships that I had. I had some old trauma that is no longer relevant, but had driven me subconsciously to choose men who were weaker than me. I was then "in charge" in the relationship just as I am at work and it really didn't work for me. It was exhausting, and it was difficult to respect someone who couldn't take care of his own life, control his temper, be happy for me without feeling threatened, etc. Sex was boring and very routine.
In reading about submission, it really called to me. To be able to let go of the corporate clone and just be a girl, be sexy, be valued for something other than my ability to be in charge of 87 things at once and keep all the balls in the air. No I don't want to be a bimbo (at least not all the time lol), I do enjoy intelligent conversation, or even just conversation - how was your day, what's new with you, etc.
I joined this site and well it's hard to keep up with the emails. Reality is I didn't answer them all, but I answered a few. I read profiles to see what men had to say before I decided whether or not to respond. One Dom on here caught my attention and we began to chat by email. After a couple of weeks we started texting, and I did send a pic at that point. Not a naughty pic, just a face. He was very kind and respectful to me and I felt comfortable enough to be open about what kinds of things I was attracted to. A few of the many things I read that resonated with me about D/s were that consent is extremely important, as well as respecting limits, and building trust. Being open was a huge one for me. As I thought about the past, I had tried with my ex to ask for things to spice up our sex life but he wasn't interested, he was satisfied with the status quo. Being open about your sexual fantasies is hard for a woman and when someone isn't open to them, it makes you want to hide.
This Dom that I've been communicating with was patient with me while I tried to get the words out - even by email or text it's hard. But I opened that door and walked through it. He was not shocked by any of it, and it made me feel a lot better about wanting what I want. I'm truly enjoying this journey with him so far. I'll be clear - I'm not in the market for a long term relationship and neither is he. I want to have fun being sexually open. I want to FEEL submissive and learn more about it. We've even met once and had some fun. Don't judge, I took proper safety precautions but since we live about 4 hours apart and both have multiple pets, we have to make the most of what time we can get.
What have I learned so far?
Spanking and flogging make me giggle at first, until he hits harder - then I gasp or cry out, but usually giggle again - laughing at pain was a total shock to me, I've always avoided pain like the plague. Not sure I'd like a LOT of pain but so far I'm enjoying it.
Erotic hypnosis is fun and has given me more orgasms in the last couple of weeks than I've had in years. (Seriously, you can't get hypnotized to do things you wouldn't normally do, it's ok!)
I do have a g-spot - shocking, it does exist! (And him showing me that is a memory I'll never forget.)
Submission, wow, what do I say?
I love feeling submissive when he's controlling my orgasms, when we're playing with remote control toys or he's getting me all turned on over the phone or by text and not letting me get off. I love following his instructions.
The first time I got pushy and demanded instead of asked - he corrected me and I felt that in the pit of my stomach, the rightness of him correcting me because I had been wrong. It made me feel very submissive and I wanted to just roll in that feeling, like a pleasured animal.
Kneeling makes me feel very submissive as well, though I need a cushion due to old foot and ankle injuries that otherwise would make it very uncomfortable.
I enjoy suffering for him, whether it's spanking, or clothespins, or being edged, or something else.
I love cuddles!! This is huge for me, I've never been a touchy-feely person and now I crave both touching and being touched.
Hope you enjoyed the read. This first post is pretty long but there was a lot to cover. I'll start writing shorter posts weekly.