I’ve learned on this journey that submission has a very strong mental component. Sure, I could have put up a profile and found a Dom to play with, getting my kinky sexual needs fulfilled without ever trying to develop a true understanding of submission. I could have explored things like spanking, bondage, etc. and expected a Dom to give me what I wanted, without offering anything real in return. I think that there are people who go this route, maybe they’re not really submissive, or maybe they are but they’re afraid of embracing submission. However, the changes in my life combined with the research that I had done left me with a clarity of purpose, so I knew that I wanted to find out if I was submissive.
It’s a deeply personal thing to learn about submission and find in myself the deep need to submit to a Dom both sexually and otherwise. In the research that I did prior to joining this site, the thought of submission appealed to me but until I actually started communicating with a Dom, I didn’t truly understand how fulfilling it could be. I still lack intimate knowledge of submission since we’ve only met in person once so far, but that will change in a couple of weeks as we have plans for me to travel to him, this time for a couple of days. In the meantime, however, I have what I have, the control that I have given over to him, and I enjoy it tremendously. This control was given over time, not all at once.
My conversations with E began small. We slowly got to know each other. As we built trust between us, he started asking me about things, what sort of sexual experience I had, what turns me on, etc. I had filled out my checklist and published it, as I said in a previous post, since my intention in joining the site was to be as open as possible. Night after night, he would bring up a few new things and ask me how I felt about them, what I pictured, what sort of fantasies I had. At one point he sent me a link and warned me that it was from a porn site and not to be surprised.
I giggled a little and told him I was not offended and that what he sent me turned me on. I’m VERY visual and have enjoyed watching porn at times in the past. After that we traded porn clips, researching to figure out what I liked. For instance, E sent me 2 blow job clips to compare. I said they’re both hot, but I prefer the one where I can see his hands moving over her body, one hand eventually covering her pussy possessively while he is fucking her throat. I love seeing a man’s hands on my body. I’ve NEVER been so open about sex with anyone before, but I quickly got used to it, though sometimes I would blush in the privacy of my living room when he would hit on a sensitive topic, something naughty perhaps that I was afraid to admit that I was interested in.
What does all that have to do with submission? Well, E was getting into my head. I expressed my frustration with my lack of experience, citing prior exes that had no imagination and no ability to pull me out of my head and keep me in the moment. E laughed and said that’s the problem with modern men, they don’t understand that sex starts in the mind. He said he would find out what I like and use it against me. Against me meaning make me cum, over and over again if he wanted, or use it to get me all hot and bothered and then deny me the right to cum. In discussing the importance of foreplay, he expressed how he prefers to make a woman cum before she even takes off her clothes - again, using her mind to turn her on to the point where she has an orgasm before he touches her. This all resonated deeply in me.
I felt like a novice, almost virginal, finding out that there was a whole world of sex that I had no clue about - how in the hell could a woman orgasm without being touched when I could barely orgasm with a long period of direct clit stimulation? Shit that thing would go numb or feel bruised sometimes from overstimulation BUT while that was happening, the rest of my body was untouched, my mind was uninvolved and I would just never get there. Getting up and making a sandwich would have been more satisfying. Some major things had been missing all my life. My world was opening up.
E also started talking about hypnosis as a way to make a woman cum from a distance, for instance by texting her a command that would make her orgasm. It gave him a heady sort of power to be able to do that, to make a woman cum without even being present. He sent me videos to watch of erotic hypnosis that showed women having orgasm after orgasm on command. They gave the hypnotist the power to put them into a trance and got pleasure in return. We talked about it more and more and included it in our plans for our first meeting. I really wanted to be able to do this. I still had trouble reaching orgasm on my own frequently, even though my libido had awakened after I was finally divorced and on my own.
The beginning of giving E control of my orgasms started with a simple challenge. One night I told him that I was going to go to bed and play with myself and have a nice orgasm before I went to sleep. He said something like, “I challenge you to work yourself up to the edge, and then set a timer for 5-10 minutes, and NOT come until the timer goes off.” Well, challenge accepted! I smiled with happiness that he took such interest and went off to my bed with the timer to do what he said. The next day I told him that I succeeded and shared with him the naughty thoughts that I used as fodder for my masturbation session, as he had also told me to do. He was pleased. I found that I really liked pleasing him, it gave me a feeling in my stomach that I really liked.
That was the first of many commands that he gave me concerning orgasms. E would give me the instructions, and I would do as I was told. I said once early on that I would try, but then he said “don’t try, just do what you’re told.” He started telling me what to think about as well - detailed fantasy fodder based on him and me acting out my naughtiest fantasies that I had shared with him. Sometimes I had trouble - for instance, one night he had me do the 5 minute timer again, but after 5 minutes of staying on the edge I only had 60 seconds to cum. If I didn’t make it, I had to reset the timer for 5 minutes and try again. That was a tough one! It took me 3 rounds that night to finally have an orgasm, and I told him so the next day.
Here’s where the mental thing really started to come in. I could have lied. I could have just gotten myself off anyway after the 60 seconds was up, and not reset the timer to try again. BUT that wasn’t what I wanted. I really wanted to please him, and it pleased ME to please HIM even more than it pleased me to have an orgasm. And he was pleased when I was truthful with him about how I handled his instructions and what challenges I faced. When he added a little pain by having me put clothespins on my nipples during the timer phase and then remove them when I started to cum, he knew that I was being truthful about actually doing that and sharing how it made me feel (I liked it even though it hurt lol). I eventually gave him control of ALL of my orgasms, they now belonged to him and I would not cum without permission. I could play, but not cum. Which meant that sometimes I wouldn’t play as I was too close to the edge just from the mental stimulation of our conversations and I didn’t want to accidentally cum without permission.
The commands he gave me served several purposes. I got used to doing what he told me to do - accepting his dominance - and I enjoyed it. I enjoyed pleasing him and getting a “good girl” when I succeeded. It also helped me learn to orgasm when I was ordered to, setting the stage for the hypnosis with the intent of making it more effective. And finally, it gave me a variety of orgasms that were ALL better than I had experienced in the past - one of the things I needed for hypnosis was a really strong memory of a really good orgasm, which I was lacking.
At one point I started asking E for instructions every night. At that point I still expected to cum each night but then he planted the seed for true orgasm control, meaning he could also DENY me an orgasm if I truly meant to allow him control. The first time I let him deny me an orgasm was a defining moment. He told me that before he came to visit, he would deny me orgasms for 3 days before, so that I would then cum incredibly hard when he was with me. He wanted my first orgasms from the hypnosis to be spectacular. He wanted anything else we did to also result in huge orgasms. So when he said to me, no orgasms tonight, be a good girl and go to sleep, I did just that. It felt good to give him my pleasure not only so he could give it back to me, but also so he could withhold it from me. Again, it was about pleasing E.
While I knew that he would make me cum eventually, it was really hard to not cum for several days, especially since he purposely wound me up each one of those nights and sent me to bed unsatisfied. He let me know that he really enjoyed doing this too, it turned him on to get me all hot and bothered and then leave me unsatisfied, knowing that I was obeying him. This is when I truly started to FEEL my submission. It wasn’t about me, it was about what gave HIM pleasure, about the plan that HE had in mind.
While all this was going on, I was also becoming stronger as a person. Due to the breast cancer treatment and divorce, I was already in the process of making major changes in my life. My femininity had gone deeply into hiding for years, and I was slowly bringing it back. I was also exercising and starting to lose weight like crazy since I was also suddenly moving my ex’s junk out of my house (freaking hoarder had a shopping addiction) and maintaining a 1.5 acre yard that could not all be mowed with a riding mower.
E applauded my small victories as I shared them - shopping for clothes was a big one for me. For years I had mostly worn dark frumpy clothes, and I wanted something new and cute. Shopping has always been a challenge for me. I am easily overwhelmed by the huge selection of clothes to look through. I have to choose an area and try to stick to it and not deviate from the plan. If I start going through clearance racks I can get lost, struggle to make a decision, and end up leaving with nothing. I managed to maintain my focus while shopping for over an hour and I must have tried on about 20 different items, including dresses, tops, and shorts. It was actually fun! I ended up buying a dress and 2 tops, which was a big purchase for this shop-phobic girl. E was happy for me and hoped that I’d wear one of my new purchases when we met.
I mention this because this is something that E mentions in his profile - building your sub up is important. I was doing the work and would have anyway, but it made it feel even better that he was encouraging me as well. He enjoyed me sharing all the little things that I had started to do or feel again, like putting on makeup before leaving the house, wearing jewelry, painting my toes - last night I shared a pic of my collection of colors and said I was trying to pick one. He asked, “which one makes you feel like a slut?” Lol I said none, but the pink makes me feel pretty. I haven’t liked pink for a long time but it’s coming back to me. He liked that answer - said it made him smile.
I fed on the praise and felt stronger and stronger as a woman. Submitting to E and giving him control of my orgasms gave me confidence in my femininity which as I said previously had been in hiding for a long time. I told E one day that I was much more confident in myself when I went out into the world now. Before I did my best not to be noticed. But now I enjoyed the world a lot more: I held my head high, walked with confidence and smiled and spoke to people.
I said that even though I had given him control of my orgasms, I felt like in submitting I had MORE instead of LESS. Having the strength to find what makes me happy (submission) and act on it was making a difference in my life. And I gave him credit too for helping me along because the things that he did for me were important and made a difference in my life. Even though our relationship is more FWB or as I think of it, Dom-with-benefits, the control, the tasks, the praise all mean a lot to me - it showed that he cared and wanted me to succeed in life as well as submission.
What other things strengthened the mental part of my submission? Practicing positions at his direction definitely helped. The kneeling presentation position (also called nadu) made me feel so VERY submissive, and so exposed for anything that he wanted to do, or not do - he could play with me, or just leave me kneeling there while he went about his business.
All of the positions in general served to remind me of my servitude, especially when practiced naked on a pillow (for my bad ankle.) Suffering for him also helped, such as kneeling with clothespins in strategic places and seeing how long I could go before taking them off or leaving the position while also trying to masturbate to an orgasm. He would give me a “good girl” or “good job little one” and I would just glow inside.
My first correction (described in a prior post) also strengthened the mental part of my submission, as this was when I first truly felt submissive OUTSIDE of a sexual context. When he called me on my mistake and I realized what I had done in making demands instead of asking my Dom for help, I really sank into my submissiveness and let him correct me instead of getting defensive. Even though my transgression didn’t merit a punishment, I would have submitted to him if he wanted to punish me. All fun and games aside, this was a major turning point for me mentally. I wanted so badly to kneel at his feet but he was far away.
Soon I’ll be heading over across the state to spend most of a weekend with E. I’m so excited! Lol I told him the other day that I’d like to be drunk on submission and orgasms all weekend. He said it sounds like a good plan. I really want to explore the mental side of submission deeply when we’re together. Yes, I want the physical side. I want the sex. I want to try out the new impact toys he ordered too! But I really want to FEEL submissive, to kneel for him, to please him with my body, to bend over the bed for a paddling when he orders me to - to be present in each moment and focused on HIS needs and not mine. I crave submission and feel it as a physical need at this point and can't wait until we're together again.