I’m smiling and blushing a bit, giggles are not far away when I think about my upcoming visit with E this weekend. I’m trying out a new dogsitter so that I can go visit him overnight so that we have more time to play. I’ll arrive at his house around 5 pm on Saturday, and I’ll be able to stay until about 5 pm on Sunday. 24 hours to play, yay! And if the sitter works out then I’ll try a whole weekend next time. I wanted to write a post before my visit, detailing my feelings, uncertainties, and expectations. Then after the visit, I’ll write again with my thoughts and feelings about how it went and what I learned about submission, and about myself.
E has been helpful as usual lately, celebrates my small successes – I saw my collarbones last week and had to take my shirt off for another look lol. He laughed when I told him but was happy for me. He also pointed out how much thinner I look in the selfie I sent him yesterday vs. the first one I sent him over a month ago. He also says he’s looking forward to hearing about people’s reactions when I return to the office so much thinner and dressed and made up more feminine than I was in the past.
E has been messaging off and on with another new sub who reached out to ask questions after reading his profile. He referred her to my blog, which she found helpful (I found this very gratifying as I hoped my experiences could help someone else ☺). She messaged me to say so and I said that I hoped E was helpful and offered to answer questions if she needed anything, newbie to newbie. He still can’t understand why I think he’s kinda special. I brought up profiles again and reminded him what is in most Dom profiles – not enough info, or scary things that put off new subs, or just a few lines about looking for an “obedient” woman with no indication of what HE has to offer a sub. It's a power EXCHANGE, people! Ugh. The fact that he describes characteristics of a dominant in an articulate manner AND talks about submission as well is incredibly helpful and he seems very genuine, with no whining, no bitterness, no negativity about present or past relationships. E gets kind of embarrassed when I mention this off and on but yeah I’m doing it again, just for him lol. Hi E ☺
We also did a bit more hypnosis recently. My work is going to be extra stressful for the next month. I’m up for a promotion but I have to get my replacement up to speed before I can get promoted, so I’m doing training ½ days while also running user testing on a project and managing and mentoring my team. This affects my sleep as I have a tendency to wake up at 4 am with busy brain and I can’t get back to sleep. By the end of the week, I am just exhausted.
E was able to add in some commands that I can use myself to help me get back to sleep, one command to relax and clear my mind, and one to help me go back to sleep. So far they have been very helpful. I know some people don’t believe in the hypnosis but when you want it to work it definitely helps. And since he wants me as his sub to get my rest, that also helps it work – I want to obey him and even though I’m using the commands myself, they were given to me by him.
We have also been negotiating what we’ll be doing this coming weekend. I know that my upcoming description may throw some of you off as we’re going to get very deep into things on our second visit, but there are factors that make me comfortable with what we’re going to do:
- I am in a good place emotionally and mentally – I’m not broken, I’m a whole happy person, I have a very strong emotional base – and I know what I want from this weekend
- I trust E with my safety both emotionally and physically – he has continued to be kind, respectful, and supportive while we continue this journey
So what do I want to get from this weekend? Well, I don’t just want to be submissive at certain times – I want to experience what it would be like if I was a slave, since I seem to have some slave tendencies. I want to feel owned, I want to feel that deep, deep submission. Now, as I’ve said before, we’re not serious, but E takes his Dom-with-benefits responsibility very seriously lol.
Yep, I’m jumping right off the deep end, but I can’t wait to experience it. This will also help confirm for me whether or not slave is a role I could ultimately end up in – I say ultimately because as I’ve said in a prior post, it would take the right man for me to take on that role, and it would not happen right away. And yes, a sex slave. I like doing little tasks for someone I care about but I’m not primarily a service submissive.
When E suggested me being a slave the entire time from when I walked in the door, he included details like he would put a collar on me right away, I’d be on my knees, I’d be servicing him immediately sexually and would continue to do so throughout my visit whenever he wanted me. I would definitely get plenty of orgasms out of it but the focus would be on him and his needs, not mine. He explained that he was offering this due to our 24 hour time constraint and that he was confident that I could handle it and would benefit from the experience, but wanted my opinion and agreement of course.
My immediate thought was oohhhhhh yesssss and that’s what I texted him first. Then I went back and gave him a real response because I needed to use my words and communicate how I felt and why. I said that I know that he respects me and cares for me as a friend and sub he is training, and that I trust him and respect him as well. So yes, I would like spend the weekend as your slave. I’m getting hot as I write this of course. We have a joke – when he sends me something to ask how it makes me feel, like a kink I haven’t thought about yet, I always say that it turns me on and it makes us both laugh – I am up for trying almost anything. Apparently, I am making up for lost years of kinky sex.
I’m taking time this week to pamper myself in the evenings, get my hair trimmed, doing my nails, etc. And I’m also practicing slave positions and kneeling on my cushion, trying to sink into the slave mindset to help me get into it more easily this weekend.
We’ve also been talking about impact play and how that could potentially go this weekend. E purchased some new floggers to try out on me. He says he’s going to find the point where I stop giggling. I’m curious myself how I’m going to respond, currently it’s a bit of a black box. Will I enjoy it? Will it be sexual enjoyment? Will I get to subspace? Will I orgasm from it? I am so very curious to find out! I don’t know at what point he will bring that in, it’s up to him. I trust him though to keep me safe and also build it up properly. E stated to me that it’s his responsibility to make sure I’m safe, especially if I go into subspace. He thinks that I’ll be so deep in submission that I may orgasm from flogging, but we’ll find out.
I’m currently on an orgasm restriction since Monday evening, but I had LOTS of orgasms over the weekend. On Friday night I asked E for an orgasm before I went to sleep. I made the mistake of saying that I had my remote control toy handy – about 50 orgasms later I finally got to go to sleep. He ordered me to keep cumming and I did, over, and over, and over. I was exhausted but quite happy. Ok I’ll admit that at one point I begged him to turn the toy back on because I was enjoying it so much. E told me that I look extremely erotic when I’m cumming and he enjoys watching me. Monday night he added a new orgasm command AND a command to freeze my orgasm and not complete it, so we played with those. Now it’s Wednesday. I’ll be horny tonight but I admit I love when he restricts me. I gave him my orgasms and they’re so much better when he gives them back to me. It makes me frustrated but gives me warm fuzzies at the same time when he restricts me from cumming.
This morning I woke up to an email from E. LOTS of details about how I should behave this weekend with slave protocol in place, in addition to our prior text messages exchanged on the subject. I read through it, both excited and also feeling very submissive and cared for, since he obviously cares enough to give me detailed instructions. I’ve been re-reading it throughout the day, gives me shivers every time. I’ll share some of the details – with E’s permission and encouragement of course.
I’ll wear a dress on my drive over to his side of the state, no bra or panties. I’ll be wearing my tail – I have a long beautiful fox-type tail with a small butt plug that should be comfortable enough for the drive. Lol I’ll have to pin it up or something if I stop to use the restroom on the way so people don’t see it. I’ll wear makeup of course and look my sexiest. I’m going to be nervous when I get there, I know this. E said he will enjoy my nervousness and will use it to keep me on edge and feeling everything.
When I walk in the door, E will put a collar on me that will remain until I leave the next day. I will be restricted from eye contact and I will keep my eyes lowered unless he asks me to look at him. Eye contact restriction is something that I’ve been very curious about. I think I’ll be feeling VERY submissive when I can’t look at him unless he asks me to. I get shivers thinking about it.
I will be naked unless we order food to be delivered, in which case I would answer the door clothed, with my collar on, to accept the food. E will ask me at different points to assume different slave positions, so I better know them.
He will also use me sexually in any way he likes whenever he likes. I’m not worried about this – we’ve established that I’m open to A LOT of things even if I haven’t done all of them previously. He intends to shove his dick in my mouth right after I get there - I’ll walk in, kneel, he’ll put the collar on, and then my mouth needs to be open. Mmm, getting hot just thinking about it lol. I’m going to be his 3 hole slut for 24 hours. And there is an order to that. Mouth, ass, then pussy. I have to earn the pussy fucking by making it good for him with my mouth and ass first. And I enjoy all of the above, so it will be fun to earn that ☺
E will also tie me up at various times when he feels like it. He’ll likely tie me to the bed while he flogs me, and also restrain me when he puts me on the Sybian. He says it will make me talk to God, and I’m looking forward to trying that machine after watching some porn clips he sent me. He wonders if it will make me squirt – that’s kind of embarrassing to think about and I never have done that before. My assignment this week is to look it up and try to get comfortable with the thought so I’m not weirded out if it happens.
I will be restrained at night, hands bound together, feet bound together and tied to the footboard. It’s hard to explain why I like this idea. When I wake up during the night I’ll instantly be reminded of his ownership, and I really like that thought.
E’s intention is to send me home a well-fucked mess, as I’ll be used more in 24 hours than I have been in years lol. I’m so looking forward to this weekend. I’m finding strength in my need to submit, to let go of everything that I know I am - an intelligent, professional woman, and be valued for just pure femininity. I’ve always been valued for my other abilities, and while yes, those are necessary and important parts of me, I want to embrace the submissive and sexual sides of myself and give myself over to him to do what I am told to do.
I’ll write more next week after our visit to share what happened and how my 24 hours as a slave made me feel.