I’ve been thinking more in the last few days about last weekend. I shared much of what happened over the weekend but I wanted to share more about how it made me feel. We had a lot of fun but one of the things I really wanted from the weekend was to very deeply feel my submission in E’s presence.
I’ve been rereading some of my other posts that talk about submission, especially the mental aspect of it. While the sexy stuff, the flogging, and the other physical trappings of submission are fun as well as helpful in deepening my submission, the need to submit had to be there already - and for me it definitely was.
My bond with E has grown stronger over time since we first began chatting over email on the site. Our bond as friends and as Dom and sub has deepened because we have interacted with openness and honesty on both sides. Submission does not happen in half-measures. While it can happen slowly, or quickly, depending on how quickly you open up and share with the Dom of your choosing, it cannot truly happen without sharing the deepest parts of yourself, and that’s not an easy thing.
I’ve read many Dom profiles that talk about submission as though it is somewhat one-sided - either it’s a gift offered by a submissive, hopefully obtained, or it’s something demanded, something that must be offered to a Dom in order to “earn” the position as his submissive. Kneeling as well seems to be often expected, or only hopefully inspired without detailing WHY a submissive should be inspired to do so.
For me, my submission is offered only to a Dominant that I respect, who respects me as well. We both have a clear idea of what the other has to offer. Though I have the power, I offer it to him as an exchange, believing that we are BOTH worthy of this. In return I get his guidance, his caring, his leadership - his Dominance. In E I have found this mutual respect. He has guided me in this journey and encourages me at every turn to share openly, to be honest about my needs and my feelings, and also to be the best person I can be.
Since prior to this past weekend we had only had the one very short visit, I have been feeling a deep need to physically show my submission to E for a while without any way to do so. Though we’ve had many conversations by text and over the phone, and on Face Time, it’s not the same. Especially since the time I received a correction, I’ve been feeling an almost uncontrollable urge to kneel at E’s feet. I instinctually figured out what I had done wrong at the same time that he told me, and I sank into my submission in my acceptance of him correcting me. While I’ve mostly experienced submission long distance, I really wanted to show him in real life how I felt.
I really wanted to kneel for him, to show him the true respect that I feel for him and to offer myself to him. In assuming that position, I wanted to show that it is more than just showing that I know how to do it. It’s a symbolic offering, and a state of BEING more than the simple physical act.
My particular flavor of submission is more slave than submissive, I’ve learned. Maybe this has deepened my need to kneel for E, but in any case, the need has been there for a while. It’s a delicious, shivery need, deep inside me, a need that I can feel in the pit of my stomach when I think about it. Occasionally I assume a position and send him a picture of me doing it - for instance one day last week I sent him a pic of me in the corset I bought online (part of my exploration of “girl stuff” that I’ve lost touch with in recent years) in the wall pose, with the bruises on my bum from him flogging me clearly visible. I also sent him one of me kneeling, presenting myself so he could see it from the front. I enjoy doing this, but the feeling isn’t nearly as strong as it was when I was finally able to kneel for him in person.
We started the weekend off easy - lol at least that’s the way I think of it. I knelt in the chair and he started off with a bit of spanking and cuffs on my ankles and wrists, along with the posture collar. This again was the fun stuff - the trappings shall we say - and we moved into the sexy stuff from there. I didn’t really get the chance to kneel for him until Sunday.
I wanted to surprise E and kneel at a point where he did not expect it. I NEEDED to kneel for him, to formally offer myself to him. But what happens after I kneel? WHATEVER he wants. I wanted to offer myself to him with no expectations, with no wants or needs, to just offer myself, as I am, and let him decide what came next. He could touch me, play with me, have his wicked way with me - or he could do nothing at all. E could leave me there while he did his thing, accepting my submission by just allowing me to be present in that moment, allowing me to show my submission by just being quietly there. Not that he would ignore me - he would not do that, he would acknowledge my submission in some way.
My chance came after breakfast, when E asked me if I’d rather try the Sybian next or play with some impact toys. I chose, and while he went to the kitchen, I quietly went out to the living room, put my cushion down on the floor, and assumed the presentation position with my eyes down and head slightly bowed. I wasn’t nervous, because I NEEDED to do this and had been thinking about it for weeks. Time seemed to stop for me then. My head cleared, and I felt nothing but an overwhelming need to please him. It felt so good, so incredibly right to truly let go of all my thoughts, all my expectations, and just be in that moment, just be a slave waiting for her Master to arrive.
E wasn’t expecting to see me kneeling when he walked through the living room but he definitely enjoyed it. He touched my hair and ran a hand down my body, saying “What a pleasant surprise.” It felt so good, kneeling while he walked around me, enjoying what I presented to him.
What happened next? E decided to go get a flogger, and things progressed from there. I stayed in my kneeling position, then as we played he put me in other positions. The humble position was VERY exposing and made me shiver, I loved how it pleased him that the position exposed my pussy to the flogger he was using. I did my very best not to shy away, but when I did and he called me on it, I quickly moved back into position so we could continue.
Of course he was mindful of my limits - I did not safeword as the pain was also a turn-on for the most part, but he checked in with me several times to make sure. I LOVE when he whispers encouragement in my ear and tells me what a good girl I am, taking this pain for him. It makes me feel so submissive to suffer for him even when he’s flogging my pussy or my breasts - and that makes me feel so VERY female, and powerful in my submission to offer him all those parts of me for his enjoyment of my pain.
E flogged me for a while, progressing through his collection until he reached the one that made me cry - as I’ve said previously, he was very careful with this one because it had little metal skulls on the ends of the strands, but he made it sting because he knew that I desperately needed to cry.
Again, E did not HAVE to do any of this. We could have gone in any direction as long as he chose it. I had offered myself in good faith to do whatever he chose to do with me. But he not only did what HE enjoyed, he gave me what I needed as well, which I am thankful for. 1 - I needed to submit to him, and have him accept my submission. And 2 - I needed to cry, and he got me there.
After I was all cried out, E moved up to sit on the couch so that I could sit at his feet and rest my head on his thigh. I wanted to do this after my correction and it felt just as wonderful as I expected it to. Head still clear, without thoughts, just enjoying being at my Master’s feet while he stroked my hair and let me settle. Then as I settled, he took what he wanted again. He grabbed my hair and pulled my head back, and proceeded to show me what it felt like to have someone tease my ear, and the spot where my neck meets my shoulder. He loves my helpless lust and loves the look on my face when he shows me something I’ve never felt before. I’m fortunate in that while he does restrict me sometimes, or edge me, or make me edge myself, he does love giving me orgasms.
But again, getting orgasms was NOT my focus in kneeling for E. I wanted to show him my respect, and in slave fashion kneel and offer myself to him without expectations, instructions, or demands. I am a strong, intelligent, professional woman, a leader in my job. And yet, the slave space feels like a natural counterpoint to all that, the space where I can let go and be my true self. It takes strength to submit - it sounds silly but I don’t submit because I’m lost, or because I don’t love myself, or because I just want to be used, or any other reason that involves me being less than a whole, functional person. I know who I am, and I am happy. I am not lost, and I do love myself. I submit because I choose to, with my eyes wide open.
I said it feels powerful, but I say that without pride - I am not better or worse than any other submissive in any other role, I’m just me, and I love being me. I feel humble instead, and very glad that with E’s help, I’ve found this part of myself where I can act in accordance with my true nature and be the person I have always needed to be.