I wrote a post earlier this week on what happened when I told E that I had been on Fetlife and had been "bantering" as I called it with another Dom in the comments on some writings. He wasn't upset, and said that I had handled things appropriately, as I said in my prior post. He also said that if I wanted to chat with another Dom and slowly vet them over time if I became interested, that was ok. However, no other Dom could give me orders or anything like that until he and I discussed things and I expressed my interest in the other Dom. I was really glad he put rules around my behavior, and that he could now keep track of what I was doing in the public forum on Fetlife as well as here on The Cage.
In talking about it later that evening, we talked about where we stand with each other. I said that I'm very happy right now with our relationship, and I'm not looking for anything with someone else. E said he loves owning and possessing me, and that it's been a pleasure guiding me because I'm so open to him and to learning about submission and being a slave.
He never pushed me towards the slave identity of course, but he could see it developing as I grew into my submission. He went back and read through my blog posts yesterday and pointed out even more signs of my blossoming slave identity. I told him that I love how he cares for me, and how he is so interested in my thoughts and my progress.
E doesn't want to give me up yet, and he knows that right now I don't want anything serious as I'm exploring and enjoying life after my last relationship ended. We are very well-matched and we are enjoying our relationship.
BUT he also said that at some point I will be ready for a new Master. E said that while he knew that I stated that I was with someone in my profiles on both sites, he asked me to update my profiles on here and on Fet. He asked me to add at the top that I am currently owned, but that I'm able to communicate with another Dom if one should show interest and communicate with respect for my current relationship. If I reciprocated that interest, I would need to vet them for a while and really try to get to know them before discussing a possible first meeting with E. Expectations for vetting time will be set the next time that E and I meet in a couple of weeks.
He wanted me to make the rules for contact more explicit, and said that anyone who truly understood what my instructions meant was more likely to be an individual of quality who was willing to take the time to get to know me properly. He also said it would help weed out the asshats lol.
I updated both of my profiles in the last couple of days, and I tweaked them a bit more this evening. I changed things up a bit and made sure to include the qualities that I would like in a potential Master. I included the parts that E asked me to include, along with my preferences for a potential new relationship: IRL, not too far away or can travel to me, potential for a long term relationship. I also included that I posted this with my owner's full permission, and would share any communication received with E as he is my owner.
I added more about how I feel about being a slave, and emphasized that I'm not broken and I haven't chosen the slave role out of weakness. In discussing this with E last night, I said that I have to be really strong to be a slave. Strong mentally, and strong emotionally. I have done the work, believe me, to be both of those things.
While this year's challenges were harsh, they only dented me. I have an advantage - I have had to rebuild my life several times over the years. I worked dirty, manual labor jobs until my mid-thirties and was used to life on the edge of disaster until I went back to school and got a couple of degrees. I've had other emotional challenges prior to this year and once healed, I've gotten stronger each time. My emotional base was strong enough by this year's challenges that I was able to move through the hits fairly quickly, and I had the help of a therapist as well.
I feel like my emotional strength has been the key to being able to find my slave identity. I say find because it was there inside me, I just didn't know it. I didn't choose it. I FELT it in the pit of my stomach, in my NEED to obey him regardless of whether or not we were physically together. I feel it in my need to kneel and to please him without care for my own pleasure. I feel it in my inability to hide my thoughts and feelings from him, as I am his open book. I feel it in how natural it feels to be (happily) nude in his presence but for a collar and cuffs. I feel it in the knowledge that I'm very sexually open and have few limits.
I felt my slave identity when I knew that I had to tell him that I was speaking with another Dom, however innocently. I feel it now in the feeling of safety that I get from knowing that he can see my activity, and that he cares enough to want me to make clear that I'm owned in my profiles. I feel it in my wholehearted acceptance of his need to help me make sure that when I do move on, it's with someone worthwhile.
This is certainly a beautiful development.