Learning the Submissive Life

I love reading. It helps me put words to feelings I never understood before. A book I really resonated with this weekend is called "There is no Devil". Below are the quotes I highlighted: 

"I want you obsessed with me, bound to me, dependent on me. I want you to live for me, not just with me.”

I always told myself I was strong and independent, that I could take care of myself.

“What does it feel like?”“It feels like I’ll do anything for you. Jump off a bridge for you, turn myself inside out for you. It feels like madness, and I never want it to end.” Cole considers this, his dark eyes roaming over my face. “Then I must be in love,” he says. “Because that’s what I feel, too.”

I’ve never enjoyed compliments as much as Cole’s. Men have always told me I was pretty, but that’s the blandest of tributes. It says nothing about me as a person.

There are so many things that I could say about these quotes...just reading them again makes my heart ache and tears well up. I want these things. I feel these things. And some of these books bring up a good point about what is healthy? If I told my therapist that I would want to be completely consumed by someone. I'd want them to pick out my food, my clothes, not because they want to control me but because it makes them happy that I'd submit to them. To look at me and be happy that I'm gave into them...she might say that that isn't healthy. I want to live for someone. I want them to be my reason for breathing. I want to that love, that connection to drown me. That can't be healthy but i don't seem to care. 

This one is rough...I found someone on Tinder who has experience in the lifestyle. We got along great. We were planning on meeting and then my BPD kicked in. I started to like him which means I got nervous. I'm not enough. He doesn't like me anymore. He just talks to me when he's bored. Of course I brought these up with him and he was kind enough to correct my thoughts but my BPD needed more reassurance. His response times became longer. Further and further apart. I stopped checking my phone waiting for a response and I knew I became too much. I worried too much, my fear of abandonment showed its ugly head. I tested him to see if he would leave. He did. We only talked for a week but I got attached. My heart hurts. He seemed like everything I wanted and I scared him away. I just need to take a minute to regroup and learn. 

To my best friend, supporter, teacher. Thank you. You showed me that I am more than my trauma. You encourage me to use my toys. You made me confident about my body. You helped me cum for the first time (and you were so proud of me). You knew how to communicate with me and turn me on. You showed me my kinks and things I want to explore. You helped me explore myself. You always knew how to cheer me up and keep my brat at bay. I would try to make you mad and you'd reply "you know I love your fiestiness princess. Now go be a good girl..." and I'd melt. 

 You've never been anything but honest with me. And supportive. You'd help me vet other Doms because you knew that you couldn't give what I needed and you wouldn't lead me on. You'd celebrate with me over any little success. You taught me what safe feels like. What excitement and butterflies feel like. You taught me so much and I am so grateful for you.

But now you've left me to fend for my own. I don't know if I'm ready. It's scary out here. I miss you. But I'll try to do you proud. I'll continue to grow and experience things without you and I'll be okay. You taught me that I am strong enough without you. Where ever you are and who ever you're talking to I hope she gets to experience everything you have to offer.

I normally try to stay away from romance books as they make me feel very single. I doubt that I will find that kind of love. I hate that these books seem so normal, so possible. So I read fantasy romance where the world is ending and people have to deal with death and morally gray decisions. Anyway I was reading a Mob book, The Sweetest Oblivion, in case you were wondering. 

The main male character was naturally dominant. He knew what he wanted and he didn't take crap from anyone (he was a mob boss). He knew he wanted her. He was possessive. He didn't like other males looking at her or touching her. She was His. He would take her pony tail and wrap it around his hand trying to remind himself that it's not a leash. He spanked her when she talked back. He gave demands. Short and simple demands that left no room for argument. While he did all these things he bought her a coffee maker because she said she liked coffee in the morning. He cuddled with her after sex. He held her hand. He protected her. 

I loved every second of this book but when it ended I got sad. Why can't I just have that? Why can't I find that? My past relationships were vanilla and my boyfriends were push overs. I crave this level of dominance. I want to be controlled, possessed, and claimed. I want to have kinky sex and have my partner be proud that I am his. To show me off. His and no one else's. His to protect, play with, bond with, and know that it's forever. 

I am impatient. I want this now. I want this connection but I will not settle for anything less. I refuse. I've read in others blogs and posts that they have found this connection. It's out there. I was made for someone out there. I guess I just have to work on my patience until he finds me. I will be his best girl. So for now I am patient, feeling VERY single and undommed.