Hello everybody! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Slut Volcano. My Dom chose that name for me out of a list I came up with. It's meant to be light-hearted, but quite frankly it's also fitting. I really am like a volcano, with my desires erupting from deep within, where they've been repressed for so long.
I'm a brand new submissive, and I'm writing this blog as a creative outlet and place to organize my thoughts and experiences as a sub. I'm also hoping it will enable me to connect with others in the BDSM world. Both me and my Dom are new to this, so I welcome feedback, shared experiences, conversations - all of it!
First, a little background about me. I'm a 36 yr old woman. Born the youngest in my large family along with my twin sister, into a strict, religious household. It was the sort of religion with a lot of rules: no tea or coffee, no dating until you're 16, no sex before marriage, etc. My sexuality is one of the many powerful urges inside me that caused me to seek a different way than that of my family. I left the religion at 21, a year after I'd moved out of home. I'd always been attracted to submission. It's something I noticed about myself very young, probably 12 or 13. It wasn't like a "hmmm, am I like this?". It was more of a punch in the face kind of knowing. Impossible to deny. My earliest fantasies were about being overpowered by a man.
My family's religion made it very difficult for me to think of these things without being flooded with shame and guilt. For years I fought my sexual urges, until I finally came to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to change, and so I might as well ride the river and stop fighting it.
Fast forward to me in my 20's, I found out there was a name for people like me, and I discovered there was a whole BDSM lifestyle. At that point in my life, it felt so out of reach, and I remember just YEARNING to fulfill my desires. I didn't really believe that I'd every be able to satisfy that part of me. It was painful! Walking down the street one summer afternoon, I heard someone talking about how they were dominant in the bedroom, and I just wailed inside. WHY OTHER PEOPLE AND NOT MEEEEEEEEE?! Haha. You know. I laugh about it, but it was actually painful!
Anyway, I think that's enough background. My Dom wanted me to write about how our particular dynamic started. It's so recent that I'm still a little overwhelmed by it all. We have been dating for a little over a year. Although we were vanilla, we'd talked about BDSM from the very beginning. We'd met through a dating app, where I'd put right in my profile that my partner needed to be dominant. That sparked a lot of questions and curiosity from my Dom (I'll call him M from now on). We very quickly started to play around with that dynamic in the bedroom. M had never really considered himself Dominant, but he enjoyed playing that with me. We took it slow, too. Some things took time for M to wrap his head around and accept. He didn't want to disrespect me or hurt me.
From the beginning, both me and M entered out relationship with a strong desire to work on ourselves and build something safe and beautiful. We both have our own trauma, as you do by the time you're in your 30's. I've gone through some rough years and suffered abuse...and about a year and a half before M and I started dating, my ex-husband had asked for a divorce (a story for another time!). All this to say that we were both aware of the risks, had both come in contact with our own toxicity, and wanted to walk through that fire together and grow together.
Since I've moved in with him, we've struggled, I'm not going to lie. I don't want to get into that too much today, but I'll just say that M has stayed firmly by my side through it all. He's like a rock.
So now you have an idea of our foundation, let's move to a couple weeks ago when M and I were talking on the phone. He's been away for work so we've been having nightly phone conversations. I had asked him a couple days before if he would mind giving me little tasks every day so I could fulfill my desire to serve and submit a little. I was also hoping that it would get M used to giving me orders and being obeyed. I wasn't really expecting anything to come of it. He did give me little tasks though and I loved doing them! So, back to the phone call - M was gently lecturing me about how he deserved the right to masturbate when he felt the need and that I should encourage his self-care. I'd reacted insecurely and jealously a couple times in the past, which I agreed is not good behaviour. At that moment, I was suddenly inspired to ask him how he'd feel if I voluntarily gave up MY right to pleasure myself freely, and gave him the power to choose when I could or couldn't? I was afraid that I was asking too much of him...but he agreed to do it. And that's when things really changed. From that day on, M has been my Dom. He just seemed to naturally step into that role.
Now you see why I'm a Slut Volcano? It's been a long, looooong, looooooooooong journey! And now that I'm finally able to fully be myself with M, it's explosive.
Mind you things have regulated now in the second week. I can sleep and eat again. The whole first week I was so full of adrenaline, butterflies and lust (that's totally a band name) that I struggled.
M started out having me make several short slutty videos. After a couple days of that, he gave me an actual chore: to take everything off the shelves in our storage room, move it to the garage, organize it, and take a naked photo of myself when done. It turned me on a lot to do that for him and I threw myself into it. The next day he had me running around town to find frames for some photos he'd had printed. He also had me film myself trying on pants in a store and then playing with my c*nt. But the thing that really made me unbearably wet was that he got me to clean the kitchen floor with a rag and a toothbrush. I LIVE for that stuff, sorry, not sorry!
I think we both enjoyed ourselves a lot that first week. However, enter my anxiety. I worry that it's too much for him, that I'll say something or do something to turn him off of it, that I'll sabotage it in some way. I've also questioned him a few times, finding it hard to trust his dominance at times. He's actually had to punish me for being a jerk as a manipulative way to 'get him' to dominate me. That was humbling. And awful to see how I hurt him.
I've had a bit of a tantrum when it felt like he was going to deny me pleasuring myself all the time. Then when he listened to my outburst on the subject, and backed off, I felt he was taking it TOO easy on me and was afraid he always would - so I came to him again. It must have been confusing for him, and I think I came off as critical. Does anyone out there have anything to say about that? I'm sure new subs can maybe relate, or Doms who've been through something similar?
So, here we are. I think that's long and informative enough for my first post. Like I said in the beginning, please feel free to share any thoughts, feelings, experiences, or advice! I'm sure I'll be back soon with another update. I have a feeling this will be a weekly thing.
So long for now!
