Who am I?
Apparently, many things.
I love to be at home snuggling. Being lazy sometimes.
But...
I love visiting historical sites. Antiquated cemeteries. Nature tours and hiking. My art and writing as therapy. Journaling. Getting out and enjoying this one life I have.
Reading is calming for me, but also a way for me to bond with someone, like our own private book club.
The Journaling helps me vent and emotionally express what I have yet to understand.
The gym and outdoor exercise help my mental health.
I go to my PCP and therapy regularly. Self care is necessary for me and I take it seriously.
On my bad days, I tuck myself away, with fuzzy blankets and stuffies. They bring me some measure of peace while I sit with and feel emotions.
I have always wanted the love letters and wildflowers, stargazing and making out.
The actual relationship within the dynamic. Someone who wanted to do all this with me.
Yes, I can do these myself. In fact, I do. If I invite you into my world and you make fun of it or decline, that tells me what you think of me.
Most of all, I am realizing that who I am is not completely known. It is time I focus on me. What matters to me. What will help me grow.
The surgery helped. I have to do the work as I always did before.
My therapist helps but I have to do the work. It's hard.
I have to feel my emotions and they are not silly. If anything, the fact I can show them shows my strength.
I struggle with decisions sometimes. The way they overwhelm me on my bad days reminds me of how important it is to have a supportive team in my life. Especially a Dom who understands this about me.
I know I am a difficult person. I've been told I am hard to love. That I am too broken.
Perhaps. That just means they weren't the right ones and gave me wonderful lessons. I can't be angry about that.
I am learning to fully surrender to my imperfect self to grow into a better version of me. It never stops...life ensures that with the obstacles that I need to learn from.
I will teach myself when no one wants to teach me.
My mother always called me resourceful (as an insult) and she was more right than she wanted to be. Or me, for that matter.
Healing will hurt. That hurt is the medicine of growth.
Kindness needs to be at the front of my mind, always.
And unconditional love exists, in many ways.
Blessings.