The tip of the iceberg.
I tried so hard. I was only being me.
But yet...
It really wasn't good enough.
The challenging of everything I liked or wanted to do.
Being talked over.
Being told I was too emotional.
Being told I was being tested, when I had no clue.
My phone calls being recorded without my knowledge.
Feeling afraid to express how I felt because it was a trigger for him.
Being told that everything I liked to do was not anything that was going to be shared (relationship vanilla activities).
Being told he makes shitty choices in partners.
Seeing and feeling the cold and cynical side, with no reception of trying to see life from a positive perspective.
Feeling misled by the conversations I always reread to understand.
Feeling in limbo.
Angry at having to hide how I felt or what I wanted to do.
The multiple nights crying because I was left wondering what did I do wrong now?
Mad at myself for thinking I thought I finally found him.
The realization that toxicity was never good.
Hating myself, the depression, hearing my therapist tell me a month ago, "I've been working with you for awhile, and this is as your therapist...the woman sitting in front of me is NOT the ***** I have seen who is strong and determined and a fighter. I don't know what happened to you, but this is not you. "
I woke up.
I was even angrier. Angry that my whole being was not appreciated or wanted. That me being me was upsetting.
Guess what?
The change began. I had to make difficult choices, painful ones, but ones that I do not regret.
My fear of being me was keeping me stuck in the quicksand of a dynamic and relationship that did not value who I am.
My feelings matter. My perspective matters. My voice matters. I matter.
Maybe he was right. Maybe I was trying too hard without realizing it. Then I thought, what if he wasn't trying hard enough?
There is no blame to be had. The realization is what matters.
Realizing that we were not personally compatible and that he was meant to come into my life to show me things about myself and remind me of things about myself that were necessary. Needed. Essential.
I know, one day, I will throw myself on the bed or on the floor at the feet of the One who will be patiently accepting of my need to break down completely, so that I can be the Phoenix rising that I am. And He will then hold me and just let me cry and feel all the emotions I have never been able to truly feel.
My scars won't be hideous to Him. My tears won't scare Him. My age won't scare him off. He will brush my hair out of my face and wipe my tears with his gentle touch and protect me after with the aftercare I deserve and need. He will still see me as his beautiful babygirl.
Life is not perfect. I am not perfect. I need to stay true to myself and if that is not okay, then I will still be me and live with no regrets.
Strangely, the anger has subsided. I don't cry today. I am far from healed, and I don't believe healing ever stops. However, I am grateful for what he did teach me about myself and helped me realize I make mistakes and can do better.
But, I draw a line at toxic behavior.
Be gentle, firm, patient, protective, and loving of yourself first, and understand who you are. I thought I had, and I was wrong.
Now for a new beginning.
Blessings.