Kvetching time. And I'm not at shul right now because I don't go during the high holidays. It's too crowded. My tradition is orthodox judaism and women don't really go to the synagogue unless they want to. The rabbis assume that we have more important things to do, they trust us much more than the guys, and we are compared to a Torah scroll or a walking synagogue and overall on a much higher spiritual level so we don't need to form a minyan to have our prayers amplified.
I did bake a yummy honey cake yesterday and cooked a bunch of festive holiday dishes for my family.
So on to my sexuality on this auspicious occasion. I'm struggling. I thought that if I just dipped my toes in and avoided a BDSM relationship I could deal and be more accepting. I'm not judgmental about what other people are into and I thought that if I kept it casual I could remain unbothered and take the pressure off. I'm feeling really drained with these exchanges and want to give up. Some of it is faulty thinking on my part and some of it is definitely my communication deficits. So I will work on those privately.
I can't be friends with, let alone be in a dynamic with a person I don't respect. I have no respect for married guys that are not honest with their wives. I have no respect for guys who want to involve me in polyamorous relationships. I have no respect for men who want to degrade and break down women. I have no respect for men who have kids and don't support them. I can't deal with guys who don't have their lives together before they start talking to women. All that is just weak behavior.
I know that many people may not understand why it bothers me so much. I'm really introverted and social interaction drains my energy quickly. Energy I should be spending working on and building businesses to get that cash. I was getting a lot of shit for ignoring these messages, so I started answering honestly here and there. The men get furious and start insulting me 9 out of 10 times. I do think it's important not to isolate myself and I am ready to connect on some level with a man. Their stupidity starts making me feel bad about myself though... Like there is something wrong with me for attracting verbal abuse and irresponsibility.
Hopefully I'm just tired. I'm going to take the ad down and hibernate for a little while. And I also feel bad because if I didn't have this social anxiety and autism I could actually talk to the people who approach me irl and not have to deal with fat broke married guys who want to abuse women. I'm going back to focusing on myself and my own happiness indefinitely. These guys are not worth it and they sure as shit are not concerned about my welfare.
But see I'll never get
Why the earth is a puzzle that I'll never fit
I'm not of their world
So why should I leave my sanctuary?
Man, the whole thought of that is scary
How do I know that their kind will truly hear me out?
Will they understand I'm flyin' from a different route? - Kid Cudi
