First, if the thing that came to your mind from the title is an 80s Aquanet hair-do band called Pretty Poison, you had an EPIC childhood!!
I use submissive and dominant as a general term. I think we all know what they mean. Interchange your chosen identity that resonates with you.
All these years that I have been doing this thing we call BDSM, I have seen a repeated truth I would like to discuss today.
Safety.
Specifically, feeling safe.
Aftercare.
Proper training.
Vetting.
Classes.
Trust.
Verifiable pedigree.
Seminars.
Consistency.
Integrity.
Sound Judgement.
Patience.
Decorum.
These (and so many more) are exercises in proving or extending safety towards our community, our prospective partners, or our existing partnerships.
I have NEVER met someone on the right side of the slash that did not seek safety within their dynamic(s). For ME, I have witnessed that each individual has had this deep-seated NEED to feel safe. Even if the circumstances they consented to be in were not by definition, they sought safety.
Any play we do is by default not safe (I mean, you could pull a hip or something). Life is not safe. Yet, though that is reality, we seek safety.
Safety, in this sense, is not against what is honest or what is real. Rather, it is a place of refuge from what we know to be true. It extends faith that builds trust.
A practical exercise or understanding of this in action is a scene. It is a microcosm of idealized connection.
You are bound. Helpless. Blindfolded. While all manner of instruments of destruction and pleasure are brought to bear on your senses.
The goal?
On some level is to feel safe. To extend trust to the individual that put you in such a state. To KNOW that you will not be harmed. This push and pull nurtures connection.
Closer to real life are our own personal traumas. Where something from the past has happened that causes our present to be fearful. When a similar pattern of days gone by is before us and all we truly want is to feel safe.
As a dominant, how can we encourage safety within others in our collective?
As discussed in the list above, we can learn. We can grow in patience, mercy, compassion, understanding, grace, et cetera. We can learn to hold a safe space by opening our hearts. Nine times out of ten, those in our sphere do not need a 'fix' or solution (which is a challenge for men specifically).
When Amethyst first came to me, she REFUSED to cry in front of me. We were 2000 miles apart and she would not let herself cry. She did not feel safe. It was a lack of safety within herself, yes. It really had nothing to do with me. The honesty was, she felt many things around allowing ANYONE to see her cry.
Why?
Because her upbringing taught her to be tough. The bad bitch. Never let them see you struggle.
In a new relationship with her, I did not know why she would not allow me to see her cry. All I knew was I had a choice: respect that is where she was, or pressure her to do something she clearly felt unsafe in.
I had learned from my journey that I wanted others to allow me to navigate my struggles, however felt safe for me.
So?
How was I going to respond?
This very early on 'test' showed me a valuable insight into holding space for others. She just wanted to feel safe.....the ONLY way I was going to show her in this moment how she can feel safe with me was to respect her process. If she wanted to trust me here, I was being given the opportunity to show her my trustworthiness. How I responded was going to show her my capability or lack thereof.
This moment has repeated time and time again. Not just over crying in front of me. But EVERYTHING. Even this morning there was a test for me. Trust is a perpetual supportive state.
IF I want her to feel safe.
You know why they call it 'drop' after a scene?
Ever have one of those dreams where you are falling? Did it feel safe to you?
When we are coming down from the endorphins, adrenaline, testosterone, or oxytocin from the play, we are 'dropping'. The cessation of play brings about a void. An emptiness. Often, a state of free fall. This state of free fall can be beautiful as a state of 'space'. But the void can be almost suffocating.
Being held. Water. Quietness. Your favorite stuffy. The soft microfiber blanket. Ice for the bruises.
Aftercare.....
A FEELING of being HELD or SAFE. Aftercare is support and trust building in action (trustworthiness).
Amethyst cries in front of me with veritable ease today. Actually, she does so frequently. She has discovered I am not here to judge her emotions. Not here to ridicule or question her process or how she navigates her journey. I am here to support her. Always have been from day one.
You know how she knows that?
Because I showed up safely, and repeatedly do so over and over every day. It is VITAL to me she feels safe. In a world that can be maddening, our dynamics should be one of refuge. Peace. Solitude. Comfort.
Dominants,
Remember, your ward often wants nothing more than to fall apart. They carry a weight on their shoulders they desire to set down.
How can YOU encourage them to feel safe to do so with YOU? Because I guarantee, if you cannot provide them with this necessity, you have already failed.
Submissives,
NEVER settle for not feeling safe. In ALL the ways. Not just physically (while that is DESPERATELY important!!).
Just because I had to..........
I hope you each find clarity of purpose today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
