Vetting, the lost art? 10/3/2017
Many who are new don’t always know where to turn to find helpful information regarding finding a suitable/compatible partner. The tried and true way of vetting a potential partner gives you the information you seek as you do your homework. Please note, you have to do the homework for yourself as well. If you can’t answer the questions definitively for yourself, you need to as best you can right now before you expect someone else to be able to do so. You must meet the requirements of your requirements. There is absolutely no set definite way to know whether you will make the right choice having asked all the questions you need to satisfy your concerns. You may, after having asked all the right questions gotten all the correct answers that satisfy you and still find that your partner isn’t what you expected them to be (in fact, in some way I would bet on this. Only you can decide for yourself how much you’re willing to accept personally). No one is the ideal and perfect, we all have weaknesses and strengths respectively.
Below are a handful of questions that are intended to help you as a “guide”. This is not an exhaustive list of questions. You have your own unique concerns and what matters to you, ask others. Ask all, more, less, there is no one responsible for your peace of mind besides you. Don’t rush! I can’t stress this enough. One person may answer the question you ask one way and a week later having thought about it decided that they changed their mind or point of view. Everyone evolves. Questions should not carry with them an “emotional” component. Do your best to take your excitement, hormones or fears out of the equation. You’re seeking facts so that you can make a rational assessment of someone based on their answers. If you’re hell-bent on “getting it on in a kinky way” with someone, you’re definitely more likely to overlook answers that you would otherwise hold wary. Your judgment needs to be honest and clearly defined for yourself. Don’t compromise what YOU need or want. It may seem to be a lonely road for a while. But your heart is worth it. If you choose to compromise and satisfy your physical needs over your emotional ones you only have yourself to blame if it doesn’t turn out to be as rich and deep as you had imagined you wanted it.
1. Please tell me a story of your childhood that helps me better understand the person you are today. This is my all-time favorite, no-fail question. Be prepared for humor, pathos, and even secret revelations of past embarrassments and triumphs that they haven't thought of in years.
2. What do you feel is your greatest failure thus far, and what did you learn from it? This one could reveal financial difficulties, or relationship problems, career burps, or other life bumps in the road. Beware the person who will admit to no failures. Either they are not being honest with you, or masters of deceiving themselves.
3. The mate to the preceding question, And what do you feel is your greatest success? Listen to the answers here, and in #2 above. If they are career oriented and you want a homebody, there may be incompatibility.
4. Who has been the most influential person in your life, up till now, and why? If they say it's their mother/father, you *might* want to find out, subtly, if they’re still living with her/him. If it's the shop teacher that taught them how to build sturdy equipment, or the cheer squad leader that taught them how to stretch their limbs and friendships or the Boy Scout troop leader who taught them knots, you may well be on the right track!
5. What do you feel are your strengths, and what do you feel you would like to change or improve? Do they struggle with this answer? Or can they give you lists quickly, off the top of their head? This question is designed to evaluate how well they know themselves, and how comfortable they are sharing their downside, as well as their upside. Are the responses about physical characteristics, or personal traits?
6. How would you describe your personal values and beliefs? "Greed is good," tells you one thing. "The Golden Rule," tells you something else entirely.
7. If you could break one law, and *know* that you could get by with it and not be prosecuted, what would it be? Why? Violent crimes (rape, murder, etc.) would be red flags for me.
8. What are your life dreams and ambitions? How do the dreams and ambitions you have now compared to the ones you had 10-20-30 years ago? What do they want to do with their life? What have they accomplished thus far, of the goals they had set for themselves in early adulthood?
9. If I were to have lunch with the person with whom you were involved most recently, what would I know of you by the time we ordered dessert? This one gives you insight as to how relationships end, level of honesty, and whether you're apt to encounter any "baggage" from that last relationship.
10. What question are you dreading that I will ask? What are they hiding? What do they wish you not to know? What part of their personality would they prefer to closet? Whether you actually *ask* them this question is up to you. Personally, I would have to ask.
11. What question do you hope I will ask you? This gives the person the opportunity to tell you something they consider to be very important to them. Judge for yourself the worthiness of what they feel is important. I would definitely ask them to give you the answer to this one.
"Life" Questions
I'm skipping the standard questions that everyone customarily asks... Career choice, what do you look like (if a non-personal communication), pets, yadda yadda. Don't forget to ask those, as well.
1. I'd like to get more of a feel for you. What does your home look like? (Follow-up question) Is it a house, apartment, condo, or what? (If you are communicating online or on the phone) Describe the room you are in right now or describe your favorite room of the house. This may yield clues to financial stability, whether their ex-moved out and took all the furniture, if they live in a pigsty, if they’re anal-retentive about cleanliness...even if they're living in a spare room of their office. Don't laugh, it's happened!
2. Would you tell me a bit about the past relationships in your life? Listen for *how* the past involvements are described, as a whole. Are there any recurring themes here? Do they speak ill of EVERY past involvement? Do they remain friends with their ex's? Are they long-term or a string of short-term relationships? Ask followup questions and really probe and clarify this question. In this one, the past does tend to predict the future.
3. Why are you looking for a partner now? What is your current relationship status? In the past, I've used such probes as: "So... are there any crazy ex's in your life who are likely to serve me rabbit stew?" This is also a good time to ask about children, marital status, whether the person has any other submissives/dominants, if there's a messy divorce looming, etc. If they are married, does their spouse know of their dominant /submissive (D/s-BDSM) interest? Do they share it, or are they vanilla? You will need to decide for yourself how important this issue is for you.
4. Do you face any health issues? (If yes).. What are they? Are there any physical limitations that might affect interactions between us? For example, a submissive friend of mine was speaking with a dominant who, she found out later, was suffering the early stages of Alzheimer's. People I have been with have admitted, afterward, of having suffered heart attacks. Good follow-up questions here are about smoking, alcohol intake, and use of recreational or prescription drugs.
This raises the "safer sex" question. I've found it easier to bring up the subject myself by saying "I am tested every 6 months for all STDs and HIV, and my most recent test was _____. How about you? Are you fluid-bound with anyone?" Make plans to exchange test results, or pledge to be tested before getting together, etc.
5. What do you like to do for leisure activities? Look for common interests. If you're a movie/reading/music couch potato, you may want to shy away from Master Crocodile Dundee or Miss Socialite.
6. How do you envision your life 5 years from now? 10 years? How will it differ, or be similar, to the life you are living today? Look for realistic life goals. See if they mesh with yours.
7. What kind of car do you drive, and why did you buy that one? If they drive a station wagon or minivan, that tells me "family". If they drive a Volvo, I tend to think "reliable and down-to-earth." Porsche tells me... "vrooooom and exhibitionist."
8. Describe two typical days for you... one of your work days, and one of your days off. This will tell you the level of responsibility they have at work, the kinds of stresses that they experience, how involved they are in his job. It will also tell you the ways they unwind.
9. What did you study in school? What were your favorite courses? Did you have any teachers who influenced you more than others? If they went to college or technical school, why did they choose the major or subject they did? Do they have any plans to continue their education?
10. What are your pet peeves? What really ticks you off? And how do you react when you're angry? This will give you a list of things to avoid, and also give an indication of their level of self-control over their anger.
"Lifestyle" Questions
There are several sites on the Net that include an extensive list of scene elements. BDSM Partner Checklist is one of the best organized and easy to use that I have found on the Web. If there are activities that either of you wishes to do that are NOT on this list, don't forget to add them before completing the checklist.
For a pretty good indication of compatibility between you, I would suggest that you both complete this list, independently, and compare your answers. Talk about each answer. Get specifics about the experience. "How many times do you think you've used a flog?" "Can you give me a sense of how hard you hit with a crop?" "I don't know what _____ is. Can you explain it to me?" As you're going through the list, ask which elements are "specialties of the house"...things they prefer to do, things they LOVE to do. This conversation alone could take hours--even days--and, if fully probed and clarified, will naturally lead to a discussion of limits, past experience, wants and desires.
If you are negotiating a one-time or casual interaction, at a minimum, you review this list and go through a discussion of "Must have / Don't want to try / Dying to try / NO WAY" of the scene elements that could be included.
If you are considering a long-term relationship, though, my recommendation is to wait a long time before dragging out the list. The discussion of specific elements and activities seems to intensify the feelings between the two, as the hormones get *really* involved at this stage. You want to stay objective as long as possible. Ask these kinds of questions first:
1. What are you looking for? This is a wide-open question, and it's intended to be probed, clarified, examined, re-asked and closely evaluated. Do they mention relationship?... the "f" word?... 24/7?... play partner?.. afternoon delight?... soulmate? ...an occasional play scene? How does the answer jibe with what you want?
2. What is your personal philosophy of (dominance/ submission)? Do you describe yourself as a top/bottom, or dominant/submissive, or master/mistress, and what do you feel is the difference among these? Why do you feel you are _____ as opposed to something else? Do these definitions match yours? There are so many different flavors in this lifestyle... D/s (dominance and submission)... BD (bondage and discipline)... SM (sadism and masochism)... varying intensities and levels of sensuality... even combinations of DS, BD, and SM... relationships with sexual contact, or without... It's very important to get this clarified right up front. I call it, making sure the kinks match.
3. Have you ever been a dominant/submissive/top/bottom/master/mistress/slave? (whatever is the opposite of whatever the person is today.) (If yes) Tell me more about that? What did you learn from that experience that you feel makes you a better (whatever the person is today.)? (If no) Why haven't you? Would you ever like to? Why or why not?
4. What is the most important advice you give to newcomers, both to dominants and submissives, who are exploring D/s-BDSM? This will give you some insight as to how much they have counseled newcomers, as well as give you an idea of their perspective about what is important to them.
5. What is the funniest thing that has ever happened to you during a scene? Asking this question will be an indication of the person's sense of humor, will get some specifics on the types of things that could come up.
6. How long have you been actively (dominant/submissive) and how did you discover it? Watch out for the "I have been in the scene for 25 years" kind of answer, especially if the person is only 40 years old. Do the math. Probe to find out if that is continuous experience, or if there are lengthy retreats to the vanilla world.
7. Let's talk a bit about scenes. What's the most intense scene you've done? What's a "typical" scene for you? Has anyone ever gotten injured during a scene you were involved in? Describe a scene that you have always wanted to do, but haven't yet. What techniques or tools do you wish to learn? This will get to some discussion of likes and dislikes, as well as fantasies, and will also tell you if this prospective partner realizes that they "don't know it all."
8. How do you feel about polyamory? (having multiple submissives/dominants seems to be the most frequent model of polyamory) Is this something you would wish to experience? Have you had polyamorous relationships in the past? Talk this one through a LOT. This one's a biggie! And make sure *you* know how you would answer it for yourself because it's almost guaranteed to be asked of you in return.
9. What is your sexual orientation? If there is any interest in same-sex interactions, either as a participant or observer? (if you are speaking to someone who is heterosexual)? If either party is interested in partaking of a wider sexual smorgasbord, how will those interests and desires be met within the relationship? Will you be *expected* to interact with others of the same sex?
10. What does a collar signify for you? How many times have you (given/received) a collar? There are those who feel a collar is tantamount to the lifetime commitment of a wedding ring; others think of it as a class ring, wrapped in mohair, to be removed and discarded on a whim.
11. If this is a relationship that will be conducted at a distance, find out what methods and techniques will they use to minimize the distance, to keep the connection strong between the two of you? How often will we meet in person? Who will pay for travel expenses and long distance charges? It's better to get this discussion out of the way because if it is a long-distance relationship, the issue is bound to come up.
12. How much control will be exerted within the relationship? Is it more a micromanagement style? (selecting clothes for the other, requiring constant contact, keeping daily time logs, etc.) A minimum amount of control? Will it be exerted at all times, or only when you are together, face-to-face? Are you comfortable with that?
13. What are your thoughts on punishment? What techniques does this person use to influence changes in unwanted behavior? Are they positive, reinforcing those things that please? Or are they punitive?
14. What will you expect of me? This question gets to "the rules" and design of the relationship. And yes, dominants have to follow the rules they lay out. This is a partnership. Can you accept these rules? What are the expectations in terms of "service" that need to be provided (do you kneel every morning, are you expected to scene once a week without fail, do they need maintenance spankings regularly, etc...)? How will they expect you to dress? How will you be expected to behave in public? Private? Do you prefer a sloppy dressed dominant? Or business attire? Do they expect you to scene in public, or will all of your interactions be private? Will humiliation be an aspect of the relationship? If so, what do they define as humiliation? Will you be expected to interact with others (either male or female) of their choosing? Do they like to be an exhibitionist and you prefer privacy? Will you be allowed to interact with others if you so choose?
15. If sex will be an element of the relationship, how do you define "sex"? This seems to be a pretty basic question, but you'll be surprised at the variety of answers to this one. Some have said, "the Clinton definition (penetration)"... others feel its anything beyond kissing... yet others have said, its anything that brings erotic pleasure. There's a lot of room for misunderstanding if you don't get it clear at the outset.
16. The last point is difficult, particularly for novices. If you are truly interested in a prospective partner, you will want to get the names of others who know this person *real time*, and better yet, those who have interacted with him or her. You might say, "It is my practice to ask for references before I meet/play with/scene with someone. Could you give me a couple of names and phone numbers?" If you both live in the same community, you could say, "I'm curious whether we might know some mutual people. Who do you know in the scene here?" "Do you belong to any of the local D/s-BDSM organizations?" If they tell you they frequent a particular chat room, you might visit that room and discretely ask about them. The community network is very active...use it to your benefit.
For this question especially, avoidance or dodging is a *major* red flag for me. I have heard some say, "I never reveal the names of my past encounters." That's well and good. Ask your prospect to get in touch with the reference, and ask him to give them YOUR name and get in touch with you.
I hope you find some help and focus in this writing.
Thank you for your time
Drago