We’ve all heard before that no one and no relationship can ‘save’ you. I’ve had discussions with many about how I believed the ‘right’ partner would save me. It would make all the difference in my personal growth.
Even after we all “know” that others can’t “save” us we still have so many pieces where we act out of a mechanism expecting others to somehow keep us from the harm we would otherwise do to ourselves.
I can’t tell you how many dominants I have seen or talked with that use language like, ”If I could just find an s type. Things would be so much better.” When I ask them what would be better ultimately they come to the point of discovering that they wouldn’t have to focus on themselves. They could ignore their own shortcomings (so they believe) because they would be pouring out their focus and energy onto their s type. Couple that with the idea that the s type would ‘take’ their compulsive desires (be it rage, anger, sex, structure et cetera) as a matter of happiness and direction rather than what it often is in many dominants..............lack of self control. Dominants often (this one included has in the past) use a d/s or m/s dynamic as a shroud to mask their own traumas or pain. They use it to mask being vulnerable. They’re in control of the dynamic and must therefore be heeded. Never mind that they’re hiding or running from themselves and the pieces they need to see to be a more whole or complete human being. Is this necessarily wrong? Isn’t it human after all? I mean, we ALL don’t see often the pieces we use to try to comfort ourselves in our own perceived failings or pain. The answer is yes, and no. For me, especially as a dominant, I have an obligation to walk the harder path. To see myself as I am, not as I am not. No matter how difficult and ugly I may feel in the process. Because, through my lens, if I cannot do it...........how can I express to a submissive how to walk through it? Don’t I become a hypocrite then? Asking an s type to go down a path I understand very little about becomes a hard sell and doesn’t foster much trust.
I have witnessed submissives (and had a couple s types) that believe obedience equals surrender. When it absolutely cannot. Obedience equals servitude. That’s utterly different from service. One is indentured by compulsion that must be maintained. The other is sacrifice from the pleasure of the giver. If all that you have to offer as an s type is obedience and nothing more (of course obedience is wonderful and necessary, simply, NOT singularly) then as a dominant we have to MAINTAIN and ensure that obedience. We will constantly have to make sure you’re following the ‘law’. We will always have to balance what you are doing against what we need you to do. An s type gets off the hook so to speak. They can hide and run. They have no ‘responsibility’ but to the structure. To be obedient. Even the breaking of the ‘law’ is up to the d type to correct. Where in this is self respect? Self love? Devotion? Love itself? Where in obedience is sacrifice? Or will and want to serve? If this is ONLY obedience, it becomes because you’re made to, or expected to.
A great many s types whom I respect have been in relationships, marriages even where they have given and given and given because they believed they were ‘serving’ when ultimately they were only doing what was expected. Demanded. Agreed upon. They have discovered painfully that submission can NOT be legislated. You should NOT legislate the heart. What the heart wants the heart wants. You, me, the pope, Gandhi, Buddha, Mohamed, Jesus can’t change what the heart desires. One’s actions from the heart become an honesty that even we can’t fully grasp. This is solely and uniquely different from simple obedience. Obedience can and does shift with our emotions. With the mood of the day. With how we think of why or what we are being asked to do. Service from the heart..........not so much. These s types have discovered quite painfully that there is a wholly different idea from submission to surrender.
Herein lies the reality for both dominant and submissive respectively.
This lifestyle is NOT a patch for the work we ALL must do within ourselves to discover how to connect with the truth of our heart. BDSM will NOT mask or hide you for very long. I believe a great many people come to BDSM seeing the trust, communication, transparency and devotion and truly want it. Desire it. Fantasize about it. Seek it. It is uniquely different in many respects from a great many diverse types of relationships. The microscope on those key tenants above make it appealing and desirable. However, most of us don’t realize that it begins with us. That we firstly must be able to be transparent. We must firstly be able to be trusted. We must firstly discover how to communicate succinctly and openly. Because BDSM isn’t going to do it for you. A partner won’t teach you how to be these things. They cannot. We must come to the table doing the work to grow in these areas.
Why?
Because we find the idea of this type of dynamic rather inviting and enticing. Because we are drawn to the beauty of such a devoted relationship. We don’t get to disregard how to get there. We won’t achieve it by simply saying we want it so it will magically appear in our lives. If we find a partner they will somehow transmute the fantastic, trusting, devoted, communicative, transparent, honest relationship we all seek. It of course won’t. Yet, somehow, we all seem to deceive ourselves into thinking that as long as those in the dynamic have the same goals we will get there. We can all agree we would like to be millionaires, very few of us by simply wishing it and agreeing on it would accept we will have it simply because we desire it. We can achieve it.....absolutely........through some honest and introspective hard work. Being willing to make the hard choices and accepting we won’t be perfect by making the best choices we can today. By seeing that no relationship, except the one with ourselves, will ‘save’ us.
I hope this writing finds you strong and powerful in your devotion to yourself. That you discover who you seek to be today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
