I have felt pain. I have felt heartache. Loss. Doubt. Fear. Misgivings. All things at my hands. Built around my unhealthy. My mechanisms. My insecurities. I sought for healthy......and was unhealthy myself. I attracted that which resonated with me. That which I could only ever attract. I wasn’t prepared nor even aware of all the barriers in the way.
In time, after MUCH pain, torture at our own hands, We discover ourselves. Our own needs (notice I didn’t say wants). We realize that the “patterns” which we created were simply to support our “self-preservation”. But did very little to actually bring us peace. In fact, they couldn’t. Because the very nature of “self-preservation” is about hiding. Mechanisms meant to keep us “safe” also hid our honest and authentic self from others but also from ourselves. We ran from doing the hard, brutal, uncomfortable work of seeing that ultimately the only one to blame for us not having the life and love that we need is US.
Now, here I am......doing that “work”. And have found a beautiful woman who is also doing that “work”. Today, it is about what’s next? I have personally found an excitement and joy in the uncomfortability. And yes, there is something easy about sharing that with a partner by my side. I see what you’re looking at. I ask you though, have you ever done so? Have you shown your faults so blatantly and raw and just knew in your fear that you weren’t going to be received? Do you know what it’s like to face that vulnerability? It is anything but easy at every moment. I won’t deny that having walked through so many of those moments with her I have discovered an odd comfort in being held in such a safe container even in my raw, vulnerable pain of past mechanisms I get to release. Even with that “knowledge” it does little to quiet my fears. Such is fear. It screams. Begs and pleads for us to reconsider putting it to death. Having had such a solid grip on us for years we have been beholden to so many unhealthy things that didn’t serve us and our fears were fed and kept fully alive within those spaces. Now that I have begun to see how much those fears cost me. How much they control me (as a dominant that is a painful admittance), I REFUSE to feed them. Oh they still scream. No doubt. Now, however, they scream as I choke them of any life to persist. They scratch and claw. Clamor to gain some foothold. Reach out to remind me of past failures. How my attempts in the past have created such pains....all the while failing to show me that my fears were the cause of such results. That is probably the most insidious thing of our own inner fears. They attempt to convince you of your failures but conveniently keep from you the truth......those failures were a RESULT of using the unhealthy mechanisms our fears are asking us in the present to lean on. Our fears lie to us. Promise us safety and peace while speaking to us of past hurts that we allowed our fears to create. We are soooooooo good at fooling ourselves. At speaking a language that keeps us from the honesty of ourselves. To keep ourselves in the dark. To keep us captive to those very fears we somehow convince ourselves that we aren’t captive in. Pull the wool over our own eyes.
THIS is what is meant by becoming self-aware. Realizing our own duplicity. Realizing our own mechanisms that WE set up to detonate ourselves from some of the very things we have desperately longed for. Accepting that WE are the reasons for our very failures within so many of our relationships. Please don’t hear that others don’t have a part that they played within our past relationships....but it is just that, they played a PART. We are NOT responsible for their part. Indeed, we can’t control the unhealthy mechanisms of others any more than in the past we ourselves could control our own.
Today, we must face the music. To heal. To grow. To learn to speak into the collective a healthy existence that breaks the cycle of generations past. Lifetimes of lies and being lost in derision from patterns that we learned as “fact” that NEVER served us or those around us in any positive way. And this we will do......because we truly have no other option when we are “awakened”. Lighted upon with self-awareness we can only but see, mourn and then stand up and live. Truly live. Seizing all we were destined for. Serving our individual purposes that fulfill the collectives needs....by simply being.
Being is about an actualized present. Not a “thing” we “do”. Just a state of existence that is born in accepting. Not even really of us. Just a space of necessitous fact.
I encourage you with this truth.......YOU are beautiful........right here and now. Your journey, when walked in awareness is clumsy, imperfect, and downright ugly at times. THIS is how it is intended. You cannot hope to realize your need for self-love, self-acceptance, self-healing if you have no imminent need apparent. We ALL learn to roll over before we crawl. We ALL crawl before we learn to stand unsteady on our new legs with muscles that have NEVER been used before. We ALL learn to pick ourselves back up on those new legs as we exercise them with tentative steps. We ALL learn to walk with fresh muscles born from exercise. We ALL walk before we run. Give yourself grace. Where you are is where you’re meant to be. Where you belong. Honor your journey. Regardless of the obstacles....in fact, truly, because of those very obstacles. They are what build the character that is truly YOU. Honor yourself. Accept that the hardest part has already been accomplished. You have realized your flaws, your failures, your mechanisms as a whole. Seen your detonation at your own hands. Everything else is growth. Painful growing pangs. While you may see more of this than victories.....let me assure you......the lens through which you are viewing yourself is one of failure. Failure from your past. THIS is a trick of your fear. To keep you there. Not in the present. I encourage you to let go of the “illusion” of progress or lack thereof. NO ONE is keeping track. There is NO measurement of your growth that matters to anyone. Not even to yourself. Where you are is where you belong. Period. What you grow through is unique, sacred and special. What you have to offer is quite different than anyone else. Because it is YOURS to speak into the collective. Something NO ONE else can possibly do because they’re not and never will be you. Honor that fact.
I hope that this finds you well, inspired, pushing, and receiving all that is yours today.
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Namaste
Drago and Amethyst