Deceptions we tell ourselves that we feel keep us safe and help us survive in our everyday lives, some even in relationships:
I’m Fine I do not care If only…
They are perfect I know… If I could just…
When I learn… They will change It’s not that bad
If I had more time… People think I’m… I am perfect
Everything is great Everything sucks I am too weird
I am SO different I am too much I am not enough
I can’t live without… I am unworthy My life is harder than others
I’m too young I am too old I don’t judge people
I don’t have a choice I am trapped I can’t…
If I ignore it, it goes away If I follow my heart, everything will work out
My value is in what I DO I am not good enough
I am too dumb I cannot learn that That’s just who I am
An apology makes things better Believing that THINGS will make you happier
I cannot escape my past I must have my way in life or life is unbearable
If I could avoid difficulties life would be better
There is one right and perfect solution to every problem.
You didn’t think there were that many lies that you tell yourself did you? Those are just the ones that were off the top of my head, and not coincidentally many of the same ones I have told myself.
Now, for just a moment, if you can, imagine yourself a dominant looking for a submissive. If you, as this dominant, had any of these beliefs in any real measure it would certainly be quite difficult for anyone to believe you were confident, secure, stable, or safe.
Conversely, if you were looking for a submissive and saw them struggling with any number of these deceits, do you believe you would ever be able to trust them? I mean, they are lying to themselves, right? How do you think they would treat you? In what ways would they be deceptive? If even subconsciously, they would be sabotaging the relationship before it ever began.
Now, imagine as a dominant you had worked through these falsehoods within yourself. Found solid footing and gained your confidence as an individual of principle. Then submissives would naturally be drawn to you…I mean, we ARE attracted to that which we feel we need from another. Even if we are fully unaware of those pieces we need. As a dominant would you see that what another is finding value in is you, or in the peace you have found?
I have been utterly guilty of believing that what a submissive has found as valuable in the way in which I show up is about ME. I have begun relationships with them, happy that I am appreciated, needed, received. Only to discover it actually was not about me. It was about what I had learned, found, and grown in. The problem was, I mistook a submissives idealization of me as a good thing (chalk this up to ego). I failed to realize that what was happening was another deception, a very pervasive one I see all too often…This person/thing will heal/fix/solve/complete/help me. This discovery has become more and more evident in the actions of submissives around me. The ‘fantasy’ of what could be. Mistaking the healthy direction of an individual as the ideal individual for them. Misplacing their desire for positive guidance on an individual rather than on the guidance itself. A sort of Stockholm Syndrome. Where the desire is placed on the individual rather than the practice/health that individual lives. We (me included in the past) want SO badly to belong to something positive. Uplifting. Where guidance to a principled way of being will bring forth peace from the seemingly unending noise within. And to be clear, there is NOTHING wrong with desiring such. However, it does not come from any other individual except yourself.
You can ask Amethyst; I am not perfect. FAR FROM IT. And yes, even that humility is attractive in its own way. I am going to express somewhat of a controversial take here, I do NOT want her (or anyone else for that matter) to follow me. I will inevitably let you down. I am, after all, human. I would rather that you follow your own way, using my life experience as an example of how to find your own peace. I can support. I can lovingly guide. I can foster. I can nurture. But I am NOT going to walk her (or another’s) journey for them. Nor do I want to be responsible for her (or another’s) journey. I will gladly take responsibility to lead by example. I will gladly take responsibility for loving you wholeheartedly where you never have to wonder or worry about whether you are cared for. I will happily take responsibility for your physical well-being. I will relish being able to be the rock with which you can crash emotionally against as I hold you safely. But I can NOT be the idealized-fantasy dominant ANYONE wants me to be. It is not truly me to begin with, just an imagined reality with little honesty. A deception we are often all too happy to build for ourselves.
Why?
Because the alternative is to realize that the idealization of something (or someone) is only to stop us from seeing our own selves. We place our hopes, dreams, and desires into another being the ‘answer’. Just like the deceptions listed above. Every one of them outside of us. An image of what we believe someone sees, or the way we see ourselves through another’s eyes, or the way we believe we ‘should’ be or believe is necessary to be. All the deceptions do is dehumanize us. Turn us into someone we are not. Because we do not feel safe, permitted, allowed, acceptable to just show up as we are. Hell, we often do not even LIKE who we are!! Ask me how I know!! I’ve had to wrestle through this space as well. And sometimes, it still raises its head!
I can tell you a secret I learned to stand against the lies…we are NOT our choices or actions. We can make the completely wrong choice or do something that is totally wrong (in our own, or anyone else’s eyes) and STILL be acceptable. Mostly to ourselves. Every time fear reminds me of a choice I made that hurt someone I am being given the opportunity to either lie to myself (like one of the deceptions above) or I can change the narrative and be gentle with myself. Yes, it is honest I made a poor choice. It is ALSO honest that I do not ever wish to make such a choice again.
Do you see the point?
Fear wants to drag us down with what was done by us. How we somehow failed, or were less than, or were ignorant, or were not in the right place, or…the list goes on and on…the ONLY weapon fear has is what was done in the past. Even at our hands. And tries to convince us that who we believe ourselves to be is a lie. It tries to tell us we cannot be the person we desire to be, or imagine ourselves to be, or are working to be, if we can make such a choice, or take such an action.
The thing is that is the first lie.
The great deception.
What we do with that choice, or action once discovered is not who we would like to be is all that matters.
To combat the deception of fear is to love yourself. To realize, while that choice/action was not great…you are still living and have another day to make amends, a course correction, grow, learn, be more, et cetera. And it starts NOW.
This is also why fear will often have us desiring a person or thing that models freedom from that fear. Or, we can believe, as a deception above pointed to, “If only I had this…I would be free. Or happy. Or better.” Trust me when I say, you can have ALL those things and still be deceived by fear. Still captive to lies. Still struggling to see any value in yourself. Still afraid to admit you made poor choices but are being given the opportunity to make a pivot with a brand-new day.
It is true that witnessing others that have found themselves, or are confident in who they are, is attractive. Generally speaking, wanting that individual, or that 10-point process, or new meditation ritual, or mantra, or new spiritual understanding, is NOT going to liberate you from the fear. It will not deal with the battle you are still waging. It will only serve as a distraction. Something to keep you busy looking outside of yourself for the inner peace that you are seeking. You MAY find pieces of solace…no doubt. The full work, however, will ONLY come from accepting ALL of you in total honesty. Even the crunchy and dark bits you never want to see the light of day let alone others to witness.
Not because I said so. Not because I have some deep insight. Rather, because I have had to learn the hard way. I have had to experience the wasting of years searching for that peace all the while being deceived to believe it was anything except what I had to discover, fight for, learn is within me if I would just release the fear/lies others and myself continued to condition me to believe.
Is there an easy path?
No.
Can I tell you how to do it?
No.
I can encourage you to begin. Or even, maybe, where you might start personally. But it is a solo journey. One that no one else can be responsible for but you.
And, the choice is yours.
My experience has taught ME…as humans we begin when the pain and fear of going a different direction is less than the pain we have already endured throughout our lives believing the deceptions that have kept us in this vicious cycle of loss, hurt, anguish and personal heartbreak.
We cannot continue to make the same choices and expect a different outcome.
That is LITERALLY the definition of insanity.
I sincerely hope you find the peace and contentedness you seek today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
