As a child my mother taught me what to think. WHAT not HOW.
As I grew up I held onto those things I was taught/told to think. I could not imagine my mother being wrong. As many boys do, I idolized my mother.
I was 24 when I began to realize the things my mother had spoken to me as ‘truth’ did not resonate with me. In fact, many of those things did not make sense at all. A few years later I would be married and shifted a lot of the things I was told to think from my mother towards her. So often men get married and to ‘keep the peace’ we adopt the thinking and sensibilities of our partners. Happy wife happy life right????
Again, some 15 years later this time, I began to question the ‘truth’ that was being sold to me.
How come everyone else’s feelings matter but mine?
Why is it that I must listen to your concerns but mine are selfish?
Why is the way in which I deal with others so terribly wrong in your eyes?
That last one I will focus on for this writing as it is a clear indicator of how I have witnessed the world concerning how we think.
It is safe to say that we ALL (absolutely myself included) have opinions and ideas of how we should live and move in this world. How we should deal with others especially is a hot topic to discuss.
With my mother I was taught to put everyone before myself. She encouraged and taught putting my needs aside for any and everyone....especially family.
My ex wife continued this line of thinking and encouraged a line of thinking that said only SHE mattered. I was not allowed to have friends.....she would disagree with that statement but cannot deny that anytime I would try to foster a friendship it was only with whom she approved. In the way in which she felt was safe and acceptable. Basically, she did not trust me to make a rational, safe decision for myself. Her way of thinking I should see things was, “Do what I say because I know how best to meet my own needs from you.”
I am not ashamed to admit that it took me 40 years of my life to realize that others did not know what was best for me the way in which I did. I tried to ‘love’ others in the way in which they could see, hear, and receive love. I am not sorry for that. I AM ashamed that those closest to me thought so little of me that they felt I needed to be told how to live and make a choice for myself. Especially when it came to the way in which I dealt with others in my life.
Example:
As you may do if you are in a relationship you will share how your day went. Openly discuss what happened in your day. The marriage I was in was no different. She would ask how my day went, I would express my frustrations at various things. Victories of schedules being met. Concern over problems yet to be solved. Invariably these circumstances involved other people. My boss. My co-worker. The owner of the company. The client. Mind you, I was asked how my day was. As most men I know do, they see permission to express how they feel. What they thought. Things that were said and done. Often with complaint or learning opportunities they discovered. After my expression she would proceed to expound on all the ways she felt I was wrong. How I should not have said this or this. How I should have said this instead. How I should be careful with how I feel. That my thinking is amiss. For years I took this in stride. I did not want to believe my partner, of all people, would be trying to tell me how to speak. In time, as the frequency of such judgment on her part increased I began to let her know I did not need her permission to walk or navigate how I did in my day. That her opinion was fine, respected. But her demonstrative and overbearing vehement disdain at not doing it as she would was NOT OK. She argued that it was only because she cared for me and thought that I wanted to grow here. I expressed to her that if that was true she would allow me to learn and do so at my pace. Not hers. Express your thoughts by all means. But do not put with it expectations of how I should respond. To me, that is telling me what and how to think. It lacks.......tolerance.
We all see the things in the way in which we do. To my ex she saw my expressions, and because she would never respond as I did, freaked out internally. At times she even expressed, “The way you talk it is a wonder you even have a job! I would fire you if you talked like that to me as your boss!” This showed her fear. Her dislike of confrontation, or rather, what she perceived as confrontation. Her language was built to people please. Speaking the truth, in her eyes, was a luxury she could not afford.
In my first BDSM dynamic the submissive held a ton of insecurity around me talking with ANYONE. Especially, no surprise, other submissives. Now, when she met me I was a part of many BDSM pages and groups on Fetlife and Facebook. I was a part of many discussion groups. Many counseling pages. I had friends, and acquaintances, many of whom were of the opposite sex whether submissive or dominant. She was nervous. Voiced how afraid she was. I listened, and I cared....truly. So I left social media behind. I have never needed it. Honestly, I prefer the one on one in real life exchanges between people. I lived social media free for 3 years of our dynamic? In that time I was accused almost weekly. She would voice her fears and say things like, ”It does not matter that I cannot see if you are on social media. You are tech savvy and could be hiding from me and I would never know!” It did not matter how much I reassured her, she had her insecurity and I could not change it. Year 4 of our relationship saw me going back to Facebook, after discussing and clearly negotiating with her the boundaries of such. My laptop, my phone, any electronic device I owned and operated I would gladly provide all passwords and access to anytime she needed. My laptop was in my room daily while I was at work and she was home for her to access at any time. She had blanket permission at any moment to help quiet her concerns. I was no longer going to placate her fears. I was going to confront them head on. Others may have given her reason to be insecure. I was going to show her my trustworthiness if she cared to see it. I began a practice of telling her everything I posted. Every person that talked with me and the conversations we had. I was open. Transparent. I had zero to hide. Yet, her insecurity still remained. She could not face her own feelings of not-enoughness. I tried to help, but it was a space she had to navigate. Eventually, that feeling of less than ended our relationship. My dominance could not bring her peace. It did not quiet her heart. That is not a tragedy, just an honesty. So we separated. In this dynamic I learned that no matter how many eggshells you walk on you cannot shift someone’s thinking that they project onto you.
Each of our fears, insecurities, doubts, needs, wants, co-dependency, beliefs, values will all play a part in how we view what another person’s actions or thoughts are. In those lenses we will all make judgments in the way in which WE would navigate.....and then place those parameters on others because we cannot understand anything else.
The thing with grace, compassion, and tolerance is that we each ask of ourselves to not pass those judgments through our lenses onto anyone else.....because we truly do not understand or know their journey. Their reasons. What they have been through. What they are navigating. What they are seeing. What they feel. What they think. We can never truly be in their shoes. No matter how much we believe we can be.
I was raised in a very strict Christian household. With values that spoke of only one way of seeing things. Black and white. Right or wrong.
I have spent a lifetime seeking to find a balance between what are my personal values and how very little difference they make for anyone else. What I think is just that........mine. My opinion is just that......mine....for me. Not for ANYONE else. What difference does my opinion, thoughts, ideals, values et cetera mean to anyone? Not much. But, they are mine......and I will live them. Others may not approve, agree, accept, understand, like, believe, want them in their life. And that is absolutely ok. I accept that 110%. I applaud that. Know what you want and what you do not and follow it. Absolutely. You cannot, however, simultaneously tell me you do not accept what I believe for myself in your sphere while telling me you want me to receive your ideals, thoughts, beliefs in mine and not be a hypocrite that should be taken warily.
We each come into this world, life, our communities, our environments fighting our hardest within ourselves to be who we are. Whether we are accepted, approved, understood, received or not is not really the issue......it is whether we approve, understand, accept, receive ourselves. Because often times THAT is the beginning of our tolerance for others. The measure with which we use to place on others intentions are often the same strict perfectionist ideals we hold for ourselves. Because we struggle to give ourselves grace in this area, this area, and that area, when we encounter others in the same space we struggle to extend to them the tolerance we fail to understand. We often limit our perception by all we understand and can see.......never truly willing or capable of just extending trust or faith in the other individual........after all, it is their journey, not ours. Yet, we seem to have this belief (especially those closest to us) that we cannot let them go it alone here in this space where we can see them making a mistake!!!
Why?
Have they not navigated their lives so far up to this point?
Why do we feel we would know or understand better for anyone else?
Why are we so afraid of others making a mistake in their lives that maybe, just maybe they HAVE to make in order to grow?
Why are we attempting to stop a person traveling a road they must?
I get it. We do not want that for them. We do not like to witness the uncomfortable pain they will surely endure. Yet, it is the very thing that helps them to be better.
Example:
Which parent tries to stop their infant from walking?
Why not?
They are going to fall and hurt themselves absolutely!! Why not stop them?
When they learn to run they are surely going to trip at some point.......we should stop teaching kids to walk!!!! It is dangerous!!
As preposterous as this thinking is this is what we are doing with adults around us. Especially in the BDSM community that is about inclusion and diversity this should be the LAST thing we do to one another.
Others journeys are just that................theirs. Leave it to them. If their journey upsets you too much then that is yours to navigate. Or, walk away. Otherwise, unless asked for, your opinion and beliefs are just that...........yours. Keep them.
The following has been my journey. For ME. This is not about you. If you find sound wisdom in it.......cool. If you find drivel.........cool. Either way, I hope your life today is blessed with peace, gentleness, prosperity, comfort, kindness and grace.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
