“Let go son,” he urged with compassion in his voice. “Do not fight against the inevitable.”
“Fuck You!” I retorted. “I am not a submissive. I will not surrender!”
My Masters’ teaching method, at that moment, was far from appreciable by me. That he was using Mistress Chloe to ‘flog me into surrender’ was chapping my ass in more than one uncomfortable fashion.
“This is not about submission boy. This is about letting go of what you cannot control.”
“I can safeword right now and take back my control!!!” I stammered through short heavy breaths.
“Will you have controlled what had happened to you by stopping it? Or will you simply have pussed out and missed the whole point of the exercise?”
I hated him so much!!!! He knew I was a man that did not quit. Even when I should at times. But this was something altogether different. Quitting now by safeword would mean shame, yes, more than that it would mean having to begin this lesson again another time. The next time would be worse......because I would have time to dread the moment coming.
I conceived every option available to me. Attempted to figure out why this was happening from every angle I could fathom. Looked at how I could escape this moment of frustration and embarrassment. In the end I was left with very few options. I determined within myself that they could break my body but they would not break my spirit. I grew quiet and appeared to relax into the space.....
Mistress Chloe finally spoke, “You think that is surrender huh?” said with thick sarcasm, “We shall see....”
How on earth did she know? Nevermind that, I continued to breathe through the impact and tried to put myself elsewhere mentally.
Master was ever close but he got right into my face in the crotch of the cross, “You gave yourself to me. You pledged. You said you would do whatever it took to learn. To discover who you were and how to be better. You are not a liar are you? I do not believe you to be boy. Let go.”
Tears began to form in the corner of my eyes, ”Master please! I cannot!”
“Why? What is it that is keeping you from doing so?” He genuinely wanted to know?
“I can’t.....”
“Can’t what boy?”
“I can’t, because,......”
“Because what? Tell me.....”
“I can’t........I am scared!” As tears boiled over now.
Master raised his hand and Mistress Chloe paused.
“Son,” he said pointedly, “look at me.”
As I raised my head to meet his gaze there my Master stood, 6'4”, this stalwart, immobile, chiseled, direct, hardened man with a tear running down his cheek. It was only the second time I ever saw him cry. I focused intently on what he had to say and did my very level best to hear him.
“You are safe. There is nothing here that can or will happen to you that you will not walk away from a better human being. No one can take from you who you are. No one can make you become something you are not. No one is even attempting to. I am in control on every level......except of your heart. No one can show you surrender. No one can force you to surrender. No one can make you surrender. No one can tell you how to surrender. No one can explain what it sounds like. You get to learn it for yourself. Experience it uniquely for you. It is not about me or Mistress. It is about you. For you. It is important for you to learn, there is no control you will ever have that does not come at the hands of accepting how little control you have.”
He lowered his hand and Mistress Chloe began the onslaught once more.
I stood there chained to that cross. Helpless. Powerless. What I perceived as hopeless. Being whipped, smacked, pegged, punched and all I could think about was how to escape. To leave this moment. Master Jeff ensured that I would not be able to......and he was keen to remind me of how my plight was quite permanent until he said otherwise.
His words echoed in my brain, ‘there is no control you will ever have that does not come at the hands of accepting how little control you have.’ I was wracking my brain to uncover what that could possibly mean! I was confused....not a little lost and hurt. One thing was for certain though......I was stuck. No doubt. All my resistance meant nothing. Even the solace of my mind was fading quickly. I could not escape the inescapable truth of my position.....he was correct after all. I am not a liar.
Scared as I was of what would happen to me, who I would be on the other side I gave myself permission to let go. To cease the inner struggle to try to manage my fear. To quiet my panic of trusting the unknown by simply accepting I could do nothing with it....what was going to be was going to be.
My body slumped. The only thing that held me were the suspension cuffs chained to the cross. I began to weep. Not tears of pain, but of exhaustion. I had fought long and hard to have it together. To manage all of the pieces. To control everything in my world. To quantify it, explain it, understand it, make sense of it. All of the emotions that flooded me I had rationalized. I looked at them as practical. Logical. If those emotions were anything other I shoved them away.
It was in those moments where I began to understand that emotions have no rhyme or reason. They are not good or bad. They are not right or wrong. They are there as a witness only......evidence of a feeling human being moved in their life.
The fear that gripped me was the fear of the unknown. All the questions were born from a brain that was desperately seeking to ‘make sense’ of that which activated the fear. In hopes that understanding would bring peace.....but it only served to bring more questions.
This was the lesson.....when all is said and done, no amount of feeling, rationalizing, thinking, practical view point, understanding, wisdom, sitting with, knowing, seeing, believing will EVER change the truth of what is........life is not to be controlled. Life is meant to be lived, and we are not guaranteed our next breath. No amount of ‘managing’ or ‘control’ we exert is going to change how the world spins. What others choose to do. How others think. Choices made by others that affect our lives. We will NEVER control such things.....to resist this truth is to live in denial and lies.
Master Jeff was trying to teach me a very basic and simple truth about dominance. Something a great many on the right side of the slash have come to learn willingly and oft times easily because of their inclination.
Surrender is an admittance of desiring peace
within that comes by denying the pressures without.
Power for peace and change for ourselves comes
by faith that it is there for the taking, but not for
our keeping.
Submissives can resonate with this truth. Subspace, outside of a physical-physiological state of our bodies, are moments of stepping into trust. Trust that you are always safe regardless of the circumstances you put yourself in by virtue of your desire to put yourself in the safest place. No, that does NOT mean you will not hurt, suffer or be wrong in your choices..........it means even if you are, you get to learn, grow and become even more of who you are through the experience. Even if the experience is far from what you would have willingly, knowingly chosen. Your peace is increased by the journey. Trying to ‘manage’ or ‘control’ the moment is an attempt at having a destination.....an end understanding. An arrival that is ‘safe’. Which robs you of the journey. Submissives know this. They have discovered this truth. It is found in comments such as, “I am strong, fierce, capable, independent and I just want someone to take over. Please. Turn off my brain.” The plea is for them to find a space where they can simply surrender, they need it more than the air they breathe at times.
This is a lesson we dominants get to learn from our dear submissives around us.
Having it ‘all together’. Holding it together. Managing everything. Being strong....always. The one with ALL the answers. Are all mechanisms that kept me from witnessing this truth. I see it all around me in a plethora of dominants and their behaviors. Scared to accept they cannot control what they cannot control. Ever trying to control the uncontrollable.....someone’s choice. Even ‘fake doms’ show it by the recycled message of, ‘You will bow down now and call me Master.’ Scared humans, afraid as I once was, of finding peace and calm by letting go of an outcome they cannot possibly control yet they fear. And fear will claw, scratch and clamor for a ‘reason’ or ‘way’ to maintain the illusion of control. All the while, you live dissatisfied, unhappy, restless, searching. Ever looking to the horizon or the next thing that will bring you peace......when it is born from within by letting go.
That day, when I let go, as I have looked back I believe it was a pivotal moment in my growth and understanding of myself as a human being. A moment where I became less outward focused on my personal satisfaction in the world and more inward focused on seeing what I did have that was worthy of appreciation and nurturing. Seizing the moments that have been and am granted that enrich my world and enjoying them to the fullest as free from fear as possible, by surrendering.
I am not expressing this is easy.........there are many days I fail miserably. When I am caught up in my pain........and I allow myself that by trying hard not to judge the moment. My journey from that day to now however has proven to me how far I have come in this regard.
The journey of a thousand steps begins with one.....
May you find your true peace today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
