As a dominant I personally believe that it is my duty to carve a path that others could follow should they see similarities in their journey and mine. That's part of the reason of my 'processing' in written form.
To that end I offer this writing regarding wounds.
Most are very deep.
Many brought on by another's actions.
All of them given to us to teach us to be the person we are meant to be.
An explanation.......
I didn't want the traumatic things that happened to me as a child. If it were my choice I would have been born into an affluent family as an only child heir to the throne. As it happens, that's not even close to my story. I used to spend many hours of my childhood wondering why. Feeling as if I was an alien on this planet (the original Superman movies aided this thinking) waiting for my true parents to arrive and take me away. Or waiting for my powers to be revealed so I could escape the confines of this weary mortal coil. Again, not what was honest. Even as a child I wanted nothing more than to not be me. That's the darkest and most damaging thing wounds do to us......create a fear of who we are that is deepened by self-loathing. The wounds of our childhood develop into who we will become and many never get the opportunity to see the beauty in themselves.
I was/am no different.
I'm too emotional.
Not enough of this or that.
I don't know how to do this or that well enough.
I fail at this or that.
I let others down here and here because I don't understand this or this.
I need to be this way or that to make others happy.
I can't fit in because I'm not like this.....
I'm too weird.
I'm not cool enough.
I don't see things the way others do.
Why can't I be less me?
For each and every one of those wounds I have an answer today. I've discovered that I needed to understand and walk through those spaces so I could honestly
empathize with others. More importantly I got to walk through them so I could see who I really am. So I could understand balance.
Couldn't you recognize who you were without all the heartache, chaos, drama, and turmoil? Certainly if things had gone well for you and 'perfect' you would be leaps and bounds ahead of where you are right now?
The reality is no.
I know too many people that believe they have the 'perfect' life and they are unable (unwilling?) because of it to see they are using their 'security' as a mask to hide the unhappiness or pain they feel with themselves. We ALL struggle. Even those that appear to have it all and are 'perfect'. As human beings we each wrestle with our ability and capacity to be enough and of importance.
We ALL want to belong. Honestly belong. Authentically have purpose and meaning.
It is often reality that struggle brings meaning, depth, balance, character, and strength to our existence. I personally wouldn't know victory had I not had a fight against myself I needed to win. I wouldn't understand who I am in my heart of kindness and caring if it weren't tested repeatedly so I discovered it is ALWAYS there. Even when others attempt to make me believe otherwise. I wouldn't know what it means to love myself unless I had known true self-loathing. I would otherwise have probably known arrogance or haughtiness and not an honest humility that I am worthy of beautiful love, especially from myself, but never more than anyone else deserves equally.
I would never have understood that my 'weirdness' is actually a deep gift. One most won't understand. That can be lonely. But it is also powerful. I have found true inner peace and strength in acceptance of my uniqueness as it fulfills my purpose on this earth. The pain. The laughing. The ridicule. ALL taught me that I didn't want to be like those who chose to pick on me. I never wanted to be intolerant or cruel. To belittle or demean another for ANYTHING is to take from them their specialness.
My ability to feel deeply has connected me richly to those whom I allow in my sphere. Oh, I've taken massive lumps and had deep traumatic wounds around others taking advantage of me or harming me. While I am not to blame for their actions I am responsible for why I allowed them. In most cases my intuition was screaming at me to get away before I was hurt badly. In those instances where I was blindly, naively, and innocently trusting I got to learn real lessons on why I shouldn't be so gullible. I didn't necessarily want to learn the way in which I had to. I feel there could have been a much easier way. But every one of my experiences has brought forth the person I am today. I care violently for those whom I trust. Because I know and understand the value of finding those whom I can depend and believe in. My devoted and deep heart is rewarded with acceptance and appreciation because it is received honestly within the boundaries I have learned to maintain to keep me safe.
Most of the wounds I have carried were because I failed to love myself in an honest and authentic fashion. Those that created the wounds are not responsible for how I care for that wound. I am.
We all are as individuals.
Building walls NEVER keeps anyone out. It just keeps us trapped and controlled by fear. Those walls won't keep someone from hurting us and causing us pain. Pain will always find us. Because we fear it. WE activate our own pain. It's not about others actions. It's about why another's actions press on that wound to begin with.
If I have an old injury only I know about and someone else happens to stumble into it they are hardly responsible for the injury. Likewise, if I carry an old injury and point it out to another and they manage to do something that affects that old injury they're still not responsible for the injury. I am. The question I have to ask is why do I still have a wound so fresh that others can hurt me? And, if others can still hurt this old wound within me, maybe it is best for me to honestly heal to a place where others actions can't press that wound. Because, it's NOT the wound that is the problem, it's my fear of it that is.
Wounds are a gateway to who we are. They're meant to be open, oozing, gaping so we get to experience where our frailty lies. An opportunity to become stronger.
THIS is vulnerability. That within our dynamics many of us seek to be comfortable with or, at the very worst, we hope to find the courage to live boldly and unashamedly as ourselves.
We would NEVER know vulnerability without the wound. Because we would never know fear. Without fear we wouldn't understand courage. The courage to be ourselves, wounds and all.
Without our wounds we wouldn't learn how to see ourselves honestly. That pain, hurt, doubts, ridicule, dismissal are about what others have said or done......but that isn't a reflection of who we are. That's only someone else's lens. Regardless of how important they were in our lives. Who they were. NO ONE gets to marginalize us as valid human beings. The fact that we continue to carry the wound and are held captive to our fears shows OUR inability to see ourselves outside of what another has said or treated us as. That is OUR flaw. Because today we get to choose something else. We get to see the wound through a new lens. Our lens. NOT the way those of the past so hurtfully want us to.
This is our journey. Defined by us, for us.
May each of your journeys today be filled with hope, light, love and peace. Most of all from your own self.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
2018
