"All I hear you expressing to me is how I have failed. How fucked up I am. I know I'm fucked up you don't need to remind me!!!" She exclaimed dropping her head with anger, self-loathing and defeat rolling off of her energetically in waves.
Amethyst has this lens of hearing every encouragement as if she's damaged and I'm picking on her. It's not the first time I've run into this with a types. They have this wound of not enoughness that gets pressed when they feel they're not measuring up to the standards they put on themselves (or worse yet as a dominant you put up for them) and they perceive they've let you down in. Often, it may not even matter the language you use. I have told Amethyst repeatedly that she never lets me down. That she's not failing in any way. She doesn't hear it. I've reminded her of how I see her. How strong, assured, confident, capable she is and all the ways she proves it. That just makes her feel worse. Reminds her of a space she doesn't feel she is in at that moment.
I am NOT responsible for her wound. Meaning, I'm not here to pussy-foot around, walk on eggshells because she sees my encouragement or support as a negative.
Conversely,
I AM responsible for her. And to my language that I hope reaches her. Because she or no one will follow when they feel they're being disregarded and ignored.
Amethyst needs directness. Being told, "I am not here to attack you." "I am not against you. " " I am on your side. " She has deep wounds around others seeing her flaws and using them against her in manipulative ways. As probably most do.
We have had this discussion over and over. How I always see her as beautiful. And she just sees a mess.
Even now, as I write this. We had this conversation not 3 hours ago. I can't tell you for the life of me what I saw that she felt was attacking her. That she felt I was just pointing to a problem and reminding her of how messed up she is. I don't see it. In fact, my guess is most d types don't. We see who you are. Not how you feel about how you deal with this or that. Most s types may see through their lens how they can take personally anything someone says about how they deal with a given something as if they're being attacked.
I will do my best to remember an example to explain what I mean.....
Ok (5 minutes later) I will explain the scenario that happened this morning.
We were talking about various things.
She made a comment about how she thinks I'm afraid to push her or enforce a task on her that I will receive kickback on, to which I replied....
"Oh no love, I'm perfectly ok with pushback. That doesn't phase me one bit. If I believe in my heart that what I am asking you to do will truly help you I would stand up for it vehemently. Any pushback or misunderstanding from you is welcome. I don't expect you to role over and tuck your tail between your legs. Your heart matters, you have EVERY right to be assured I mean business and have your best interests in mind.
To prove my point I was considering removing my touch from you for a week."
To this she panicked,
" WHAT!?!?! That would only make me withdraw from you more. Only make me pissed off. I would close up because I would believe you were trying intentionally to punish me and cause me harm."
" See," I replied, " I knew you would think that. And this is my reasoning. You said you need slow, anticipatory, physical encounters. You used to get excited and turned on just by my touch. You've come to just accept it as common place. You take it for granted. So, I believe that if I made you hold out and tease you for a week it would be exquisite anticipation."
" It would only make me angry that you're trying to manipulate and use your touch against me. What I hear is you're triggered from not having your needs met and you're taking it out on me like, 'See, this is how it feels.' "
" Little one, firstly I would never act out of a trigger. That would be very cruel indeed. I am sorry you feel I would ever treat you so cruelly. I am honestly trying to support you here. All you're seeing is the negatives. You're going dark instead of seeing that because I care about you I'm asking you to try something that could help you. What I hear you expressing is because you can't trust me you come up with every reason why you don't have to. I have EVERY right to ask this of you and have you obey. I have EVERY right to encourage you to grow here. I have EVERY right to be trusted and believed that I have your best interests at heart. I have earned that. I show you every single day repeatedly how much I care for you and your heart. How safely I hold you. I deserve your trust and acceptance of my honest intentions here."
What she heard was she failed. She failed to trust me. She failed to let go. She heard how she's not submissive. She heard she's not cut out for this lifestyle. She heard how her lens sees only negative. She heard how damaged and fucked up she is.
I know this because that's exactly what she expressed.
How she feels.
I reminded her that the fact that she had the courage and strength to express how she felt was strength and positivity. It doesn't matter HOW it was done. What that looks like. Rather the most important thing is that she didn't run, hide and internalize how she felt. She spoke her feelings. I got the opportunity to see her. Learn her. Know her. Witness her. Comfort her.
Then she feels like an asshole. Because I have to comfort her here. She is exposed and vulnerable and doesn't like it.
I reminded her of this truth,
"I am NOT against you. This is US. Together. WE are walking through this. Since you were a little child you've been at war with what your mother told you you should and shouldn't feel and what your little girl honestly felt. And they have been at war ever since. Every partner that marginalized you and told you to 'just get over it' reinforced that war. You're already in a battle within yourself to try to find the honesty. What is the truth about what you truly feel? When someone else comes along and NOT to try to change you. NOT to try to make you see their way of thinking, rather simply offers you a different perspective you feel as if you're being attacked within that inner struggle you wage every day. The truth is most people are never intentionally trying to attack you. Some are this is true. Most are simply giving you another point of view. A Yin to your Yang. Balance. Not everything is negative. Not everything is positive. There is both in any given space. The truth is somewhere in the gray areas. Our honesty is not found in our defensive posture. It's in why we feel attacked and believe we need to defend? You're NEVER wrong to believe and see things how you do. I am NOT here to change what you see. I only ask that you trust me enough to try to view it from another perspective and after having done so to decide what serves you best in it all. I am NOT against you. This is NOT you're right and I am wrong. It's NOT about winning or dominant over submissive. It is about growing and walking together so we learn to connect deeper. To be healthier together. It can be messy. We can make mistakes. Express in ways the other can't hear accurately. And learn. Become better. Fight. Wrestle. But in the end we are for one another. Not against."
She cried. She expressed she felt insensitive because she didn't believe I was there for her good. That she struggled to see it.
I challenged that by expressing her tears proved otherwise. If she was the insensitive bitch she claimed she was being she would be yelling at me and telling me to fuck off. She absolutely didn't do so. She wasn't insensitive, she was scared. Scared to let go. Wasn't sure how to. Wasn't even sure she would be able to.
To which I reminded her what every s type should hear, YOU have the absolute RIGHT to defend your heart. You owe NO ONE a blind trust. Your heart matters. And you damn well better protect and fight for it. I welcome and invite any and all questions and concerns around ANY task I request. I only ask that if I respect you and trust you enough to express a difficult space for me to walk through to support you that you return the respect and trust.
That's the rub.
Often s types don't see how challenging it is for a d type to make a task. How long they labor over the merits and value of it. Will it do more harm than good?
How will this be received? Are they capable of seeing it for what it truly is or will they only see it through their pain?
Amethyst didn't think once about how difficult it would be for me to go a full week not touching her. Touch is second in my love languages. She didn't consider how I knew she would take it poorly, and yet I would still support the task because it would help her. Even if she was mad at me. Even if she made me suffer from it. That would necessitate a completely different response at the end of the task of course. But that's another topic altogether.
Amethyst didn't respect or trust that I was authentic and genuine in my expression to support her. She had the right to defend her heart. After I expressed the honesty and truth I asked that she believe and trust me. She was unable to.......yet. Of course that made her feel awful too. But I assured her, it's ok. I'm not asking her to trust me with her very breath in this space. It's not a life or death situation. Perspective helps. Don't beat yourself up for struggling to let go of years and years of conditioning to battle and keep yourself safe the only way you know how.
The lesson wasn't in not touching one another anyways. Did anyone else notice that? What started out as a simple conversation about standing behind a task turned into a fact over a hypothetical scenario. I told her, I was CONSIDERING doing so. I hadnt implemented it. I hadn't even expressed it outside of this conversation. In fact, I had decided against it. For this very reason. I knew she wasn't ready to trust me here. That pushing her here was too far too fast.
She wasn't ready.
The lesson was this conversation. It's why I had the thought of restricting her touch to begin with (nothing happens without a reason) so this conversation could be had. So we got the opportunity to navigate this space together. To witness one another and where we stand. To see how the other responds under such a space and to find ways to support the other better. Everything is about growth and every growth opportunity is about learning one another. We owe the connection that kind of devotion.
I saw more of my beautiful little girl. Her struggles and fight just to keep her head above water sometimes. How scared she can be to not be enough for me.
I saw more of how I get to support her in various different ways than I was aware of. How to help her silence those negative fears that tell her to run, hide and fight. How to reassure her she is safe. Not alone. That I'm not against her. That I want her peace. Whatever it takes to get there. I saw more of how my language can be seen as combative rather than supportive and how to shift my language so that she hears what my heart is attempting to communicate.
THIS is what a dynamic goes through.
It's not pretty. It's not all sex, chains, floggers and nipple clamps. It's hard work to release those fears that have kept you captive for years to your detriment. We all want to fly freely in ecstasy within our scenes. It is made richer and more ecstatic by delving into the mind and heart of your partner and understanding where they are. Who they see themselves as and how they view things through their lens.
When you feel seen. Heard. Met. Respected. It nurtures trust. Which is one of the pivotal foundation pieces in ANY dynamic. Communication, honest, brutal, sometimes what feels like super confrontational communication may often be what is necessary to discover the heart of any circumstance. Don't fear it. Don't run from it. You owe it to yourself to put in the work to create such an openness. Otherwise you will have no one to blame when you're left wondering how the conversation would have went if you had just been transparent.
I know this moment between Amethyst and myself may be viewed by you, the reader, as a confrontation. Or a battle. I assure you it absolutely was not. There was no yelling. No venom. No hatred. Just fear. Just misunderstanding and humans communicating imperfectly. We give each other that kind of trust. We believe the other isn't trying to harm us with their words, we just must be misunderstanding. And we communicate until we walk away knowing the other has felt heard and seen. No matter what. And even if we did communicate with anger or pain, we still would understand why. We know one another enough to know that we are just scared and don't know how else to express that fear in that moment. That's not wrong. It's not dangerous. It's just human beings being imperfect and learning.
Surrender looks like being vulnerable. Submission is just that. Vulnerability. Choosing to let go and do what the world has told you, and you have learned, one should never do........trust another.
Dominance sets the example. We should show you how to be vulnerable. Set the standard. Say to the world, 'This is how we are going to run our dynamic.....' And boldly run into it. We get to be vulnerable not without fear, but with courage. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the strength to stand up inspite of that fear. We show our trust as dominants by setting tasks. Following through. Having character and integrity. Because these things (and many more) show we are trustworthy. Providing a safe space for an s type to rest.
May you find the peace your heart is seeking today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
Written early 2020
