Boundaries are newer things to me.
I've always had limits that I would hold to. Spaces where I wouldn't allow another to push me beyond what I was comfortable in.
To me that's the difference between a limit and a boundary.
A limit is a hard stop. A defined space within each of us that when necessary is expressed to others as an informational piece.
A boundary is a space I freely offer to everyone openly saying, "This is a boundary I put up for myself." It's like marking the boundary of your lot line to the home you live in. A front door is a boundary. Telling everyone, " This is my domain on the other side of this door. You're only allowed beyond this boundary when I say so."
I am fascinated by others opinions of my front door. Like I owe someone an explanation of why I have one. Would any of you live in a home without a front door? No barrier. No protection. Just free and open? I dare say not many would ever choose such. We all have boundaries. We just may not label them as such. Or, more honestly, we may have boundaries over our physical world but not over our emotional or mental world. This is what I mean by expressing that boundaries are new to me.
I never used to have emotional boundaries. Others would take and take and take. And I would give willingly. Believing that's what I should do. I have since realized that the only reason I gave was to garner acceptance. Which truly was never going to come because the acceptance I was seeking was within myself. From myself towards myself. A boundary for me looks like, "I care for myself enough to not just trust others willy-nilly. Too many people want something from me and too little care about how to exchange power evenly in a relationship." Be that friendship or otherwise. I do not need to justify that boundary. Or explain it. Or have it approved in anyone's eyes. Again, it's there for ME.
As such I have limits around how often I interact with others. Because it drains me. Because I am a natural giver that values the ability to give from a reservoir of gifts. Not a depleted or empty heart. When I gave all the time I would end up tired. Wore out. I would eventually become bitter or feel used up if there wasn't a break. Why?
Because others never desired to feed back into me. I was never allowed to have my needs or desires met within the confines of that relationship so I would simply run dry. Which would anger me. Like, why can't my needs be met too? When I asked and sought for them to be met I would be made to feel guilty or ridiculed. So, I am learning to place boundaries and limits within those boundaries. This has caused some difficulty and tension for others in my sphere. Often because I lacked proper language to express my boundaries succinctly. Yet other moments were because people didn't feel they had to live behind my silly boundary. Which showed me exactly why I had the boundary to begin with. If ANYONE disregards your boundary or takes it
personally because they don't want to respect it........they prove why you need the boundary.
I have felt bad for those who have walked right through my front door without the courtesy of knocking first.
Some of them deserved the police called on them.
Some have been acquaintances but not really friends. They supposed a place in my sphere that wasn't granted or honest for me.
Some have simply made a mistake and I've been forced to uphold my boundary all the same. Even when it was just an innocent mistake.
Allow me to clarify the last......
If ANYONE went to a play party, or dungeon or a private soirée (unless it's only for those you intimately know) and you touched anyone else's property you would be viciously reprimanded and called out. That's tough for many. Because they are touchy-feely. They are natural huggers. Or just generally are handsy with those whom they talk with. Touching another's property, whether their flogger or their s type is often considered a criminal act punishable by expulsion without remorse. The reasons aren't really that important in this writing. Because you don't need to understand to respect that's just the way it is. You may be innocently reaching out to comfort another, or even shake hands with someone you don't know and you will be scolded.
What did you do wrong!?!?!?!
You crossed the communities boundary. Your community may be uniquely different in this respect. With Covid I doubt it. Let alone just general protocol in the scene.
Another example........
A dynamic has a rule between the male and female that they will not talk with the opposite sex without the other present. It's for their transparency. It's because they choose to be always open with one another.
Most people don't realize this. May not even understand it. But, if it is requested to be respected........ respectful one should be. Oh, you don't have to be. But that speaks to your character and the reflection of that character in your actions. Most would NEVER cross such a boundary. Just out of simple kindness. Human decency. And then there are those that don't care. Or, those who make the mistake because they don't understand or don't consider that others would have boundaries around strangers in their life.
What's the big deal you say? It's just a conversation.
And THAT is why the boundary is in place. Again, no one gets to question another's boundaries. They're to be respected. Period. You don't have to agree, like, approve, accept or otherwise. It's not up to you, you don't walk their shoes. You don't get to decide for them how to do their dynamic or relationship. You can't tell them what's comfortable and works for them.
Generally, the community and those with boundaries (myself included) are pretty patient. Very forgiving. Most people don't INTEND to harm another. They just make a mistake.
So, do you uphold the repercussions from a boundary being crossed even if it was a mistake? I mean, they didn't mean to disrespect you or walk on a boundary they may not have even known was there.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
ABSOLUTELY
I will explain why through my lens.
Because if you cross your own boundaries and don't stand behind your own word no one will ever respect you. Because you don't respect yourself. That may mean nothing to the person that crossed the boundary unknowingly. They may respect you less. Again, the fact that someone is put off by your choice to stand behind your truth isn't someone you truly want in your sphere anyways. They lack tolerance, compassion and the ability to allow others to live their life as they see fit. Regardless of whether they approve or understand. My experience with such people is that they are usually selfish and lack boundaries for themselves. They allow any and everyone into their sphere and use them in some fashion. Even if that's to satisfy their own insecurities or mechanisms by hiding or running from themselves in some way.
Standing on your own boundary is vital to your own mental and emotional well-being.
Which dominant would set a rule in place and then not follow through in punishment if that rule were crossed? If the dominant didn't hold to that punishment almost instantly that fact would begin to erode the confidence the s type had in them.
Once you make one allowance, then another, before you know it you've forgotten why you needed the boundary to begin with.
Again, which of you would leave the front door to your home open 24/7 365? Even when you're not there people traipsing through your belongings and privacy. Whether you have guard dogs, video surveillance, 3 deadbolts, 10 deadbolts, a shotgun by the door, an alarm system, what have you we all guard our lives. We protect our sanctuary and private space. In my lens it's no less important to protect the valuables of our time, our energy, our emotions, our thoughts, our secrets, our desires, our wants, our privacy, our safety, our trust from those that have no business being trusted with such. They can knock and we're allowed to not answer the door or make them stand on the stoop to communicate. We don't owe anyone access that hasn't earned our trust. We are allowed to maintain our safety for any reason we see fit. No one gets to decide for us how that should look. Its our personal domain. Our hearts. Our minds. Our lives.
Yes there are those that simply will make the mistake of crossing our boundaries unknowingly.
Forgiveness is generally given to those who do so accidentally with no malice or intention of harm. That doesn't abdicate you from the repercussions of your own actions. It is, after all, the best possible way to learn from one's mistakes. It is easily possible to earn one's way into another's life even if you have made the mistake of crossing a boundary. It's simply a matter of whether you desire to and see value in that individual to do so.
If not, no loss.
Generally those individuals that cross boundaries, even accidentally, and don't care to seek forgiveness for their error are taking personally that individuals boundary they crossed. Making that boundary about them and being butt-hurt for it. Again, nothing that anyone with a healthy boundary wishes or intends. But also a clear indication of why the boundary is there in one sense. It weeds out those that would attempt to bypass your values and may even seek to make you feel guilty for such simply because they can't understand them. Understanding is NOT a requirement to respect.
We each have our own individual kinks. If we were to say we needed to understand in order to respect another's kink we would effectively be shaming them or judging them for their expression. We would show our lack of tolerance.
Boundaries are no different.
I pray this writing finds you informed and blessed today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
