When I began my journey into a BDSM lifestyle I had many notions about what I believed was accurate concerning who had the power in a dynamic.
For a time I believed it must be the D type.
I began when there was still a season of incredible importance placed on the D type and the value held within their dominance. S types 'petitioned' to be of service to a particular D type or a House. Dominance was held as the pinnacle of control and strength of character. Those who identified as D types were very frugal and wary about who they would allow to serve them. Their dominance was valuable and they would not sully it by giving it away. They wanted to be met with the same passion and devotion or they wouldn't even entertain an S types advances.
Through this lens then I believed that dominance held all the power. They decided what went. How it went. When it went and if at all.
As happens times change. A movement began to empower submissives. It has often been said that submissives out number dominants almost 2 to 1. Finding a quality dominant with character and integrity has long been a challenge. The math shows there are just too many submissives and there simply aren't enough dominants. This, propelled switches to be born. Brats, Sam's, even littles came about, in part, as a result of not enough good, healthy, quality dominants. S types, however they identified, have also valued their submission. Treasuring what they have to offer. Many healthy dominants of the past have taught many S types to value themselves and what they have to offer. As well as many S types who saw the early struggle of so many trying to discover where they fit into this inclusive lifestyle.
Many today believe the S type holds all the power. They can revoke their submission any time they wish. A D type must work within the confines of their limits. If an S type ever feels marginalized or unappreciated they can leave right? Surely they hold the power.
The truth of this thinking is that D types have all the same power. They can revoke their dominance whenever they so choose. D types limits must be respected no less than anyone else's. If a D type is abused, or used, or feels ignored or disregarded in any way they are free to leave without any hesitance.
This begs the obvious question.....
WHO HAS THE POWER?
And
WHERE IS THE POWER EXCHANGE?
IF you accept both S types and D types each have power to do as they please (after all, we are all human firstly) how can we say one holds all the power?
There is no exchange if one holds it. If a D type holds all the power the exchange would be only one way. Which would be very draining and incredibly unfulfilling. No different if the S type held all the power. (Conversely, I would see the S type holding the power as dominant in this line of thinking, which seems peculiar to believe.)
So? Where is the power? Who truly has it?
The answer, from my lens, is.....NO ONE.
No one has more power than another. Even negotiated power TO the D type is power FROM the S type. Vice versa, the D type has needs, structure, desires that they bring to bear within the dynamic. They extend their power/will TO the S type and receive FROM them acceptance however that looks for the dynamic. Exchange.
Again, who holds the power? The answer is not a who, rather a what....
The dynamic has the power. The connection does. The bond. The agreement between the parties involved holds ALL the power.
The power is given FROM ALL participants in a dynamic to the insurance and perpetuating of that dynamic for the fulfillment of all involved.
If one member fails to build the dynamic or hold it as valuable they aren't giving their agreed upon power to exchange within the connection. The relationship will suffer. We all have our roles to play within our connections. However that looks. However it is negotiated and agreed upon. We all want to perpetuate that which fulfills us. No matter how that looks. The often never-ending search for the ONE who will fulfill us is evidence of how we all just want to belong to that which feeds us the power we each need.
For D types the power they need is to see an S type yield to them. To know they're trusted. To feel the power from being responsible for another person's life. Even if it's just in the bedroom. Or at dungeon once a month. Or a 24/7 relationship.
S types want to give up control. Which is empowering. The power of freedom from self. From thoughts. From fears. From doubts et cetera. Whether in the bedroom. Or at dungeon once a month. Or a 24/7 relationship.
We ALL want and need the power we seek. To be the best of ourselves. To fulfill our character. To aid our peace within. We do what we all need to find that which serves us. The power we seek serves that need within us that can't ultimately be filled with anything but. It is like, food. We each need to eat. It fulfills us. It serves our body. Fuels it. Without it we would lack the power we need to make it through our days. So too is our individual hunger for the things that fulfill our soul. We ALL have a need for that which fuels us. Whether it is our purpose, or our identity, or our desire, or our calling, or how we were created.
This is where knowing one's self comes into being such a pivitol piece. We must know why we seek to have a dynamic. What power do we need? What power will we give? How best are my needs met? Do I expect my partner (s) to figure it all out for me? How best are my needs going to be met? Where am I fulfilled? I'm what ways do I desire to fulfill another?
Even these questions point to dominant and submissive needs respectively. We each need that which fuels us. That power. So, we seek it. We look for it here and there. In this person. In this way. Learning and discovering as we go what we do and do not need. When we hone that down, whittle it to a fine point so we speak to others plainly as , "I need this......or I am unfulfilled." We begin to understand what we will put into a dynamic and conversely what we want from one. When we find what we are looking for, or what we hope we have found, we work diligently to give authentically to that connection. We focus our energies and power to the dynamic because it is, after all, what we desire and need. All members of the dynamic do so, if they do not, they aren't being authentic to themselves. My experience with this has been, so many don't even understand why they want this lifestyle. They don't know what they are willing to invest. Because they don't know truly how best they are served or what they need.
I have a tried and true way to discover whether someone knows and understands what they need to invest and what they want to get out of a power/energy exchange. And whether it will align with what I need.
I ask them to list 5 passions of theirs.
List 5 things they love.
For me, only me, if themself is not on that list I know they have more work on their journey before they're ready to get serious about living this lifestyle. My reasoning for this is simple......
Anyone who loves themselves, also realizes that they are imperfect and yet still worthy to be accepted. Someone in this space, with this understanding has realized that it's not always everyone else's fault for their life. It's not everyone else's blame for the direction of their own choices. They know, they have learned what they want and how to get it. Because they have understood their own power. What they have to give. What investment they are willing and capable of making because they have invested in themselves firstly. This is where honest power comes from. You cannot give what you do not own. If you do not own yourself; if everything is everyone else's or life's or circumstances or bad luck or what they said to you or what they did to you is to blame, then you hold no power. You have given it to everyone else. And everyone else owns you. You cannot give what you do not own.
Power belongs to those who know what fuels them. It is exchanged when partners fuel one another, organically, consensually, naturally, negotiated. When someone else's fuel feeds you and meets your needs we give to the creation and maintenance of our connections to perpetuate that exchange of power. Because it is what serves us. It is what fuels us. We feed our power to the connection. The connection is maintained by all parties continuing to uphold one another's agreed upon roles.
This is deeper than a D type or an S type holding power.
This is about understanding that without one there would not be the other. Without both no power would be exchanged. Without the connection, the dynamic, the partnership, there would be no safe space to hold our power which all parties in that relationship need. We are each of us beholden to exchange our power for the sake of the relationship.
This is born out and proven by the dominant or submissive that is single desiring more than anything to be able to give their power to someone. They desire the connection. If an S type held all the power wouldn't they be complete even single? Wouldn't the need for an exchange of power be useless? They would have what fueled them, nothing else is necessary. If a D type held all the power why search for more? All is all.
We each search for the yin to our yang. Because we all search for the energy that fuels our souls. For those of us that believe we have found that energy in our partners may we all realize anew how valuable it is to have a connection that fulfills us. May we treasure the value that is deeply within each of our dynamics that fuels our deepest needs. May we discover every day how precious it is to share in the power/energy exchange that enriches our very being and appreciate it as such.
I pray this writing finds you in peace and focused within your deepest purpose today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
