As with all of my writings I do not attempt to answer for all. I would never assume to know or understand all things or ways. Nor would I ever preach one and only one way. We all travel our paths along our respective journey’s. This just happens to be mine.....
I try to remain present....meaning I try not to do what many my age tend to do...”Back in my day.....” Because times do change. People change. Evolution occurs. Growth. All necessary. I catch myself doing it still because my past is a part of me and my journey. I can’t separate it out from me. The things I’ve learned, believed and understood differently, they’re all valuable. Even if many of those things are from a land far far away now.
I grew up in this lifestyle in a much different climate than exists today. There are positives and negatives in that just as there are today. I suppose a claim could be made to me being biased or prejudiced based on my predisposition to my training or “truths” learned from my experience back in the late 90’s. While I hold steadfast to those things I believe and vehemently support them personally, I am also distinctly aware that I too have things to learn and can grow from everyone around me. This I believe is a character trait of a healthy dominant.
I will not get into a debate (and in my opinion, no one ever should) regarding “real” dominance or “fake” dominance. That is incredibly subjective. What is one person’s fake is another person's acceptable reality and vice versa. I attempt to use the words healthy and unhealthy, with little to no comparison between real and fake. Thusly, while my definitions suit me and possibly a majority around me, I am acutely aware that my definitions are not the law, sum total, nor expressed fully for all as viable or true.
All set? Let’s begin....
A dominant should know their weaknesses and correct them.
I’m not talking physical limitations. Though that is admirable to understand. I am not speaking of knowledge unknown in any matter, including, but not limited to, how to use a specific implement or toy (we all have room to learn). We don’t know what we don’t know yet. More they should know today what baggage they carry into a relationship.
Example: I very recently discovered I carried a pre-disposition to expecting my partner to not understand. I have lived most of my life with very few people being able to “see” me. People often can only see through their fears, past, prejudices et cetera. I had become accustomed, quite innocently without me even realizing, to being “on guard” when I would express myself openly. Most everyone else has been combative with me about my ability to be transparent (mostly because it showed a weakness or insecurity within themselves), they would accuse me, see something that wasn’t there in me at all and blame me for being “wrong”, when it’s not even a right or wrong situation to begin with. When I was faced with being transparent with the submissive in my care now, I was fully prepared to “go to battle”. What I wasn’t prepared for was her understanding and total acceptance of me. I didn’t know how to act....so much so that I almost couldn’t believe it. I began my usual explanations and patterned responses as I had always done....from my damage. What I was doing was diminishing her mercy and not trusting her understanding. Not accepting her as capable, not believing her as trusting. I failed. It wasn’t her that showed me this.....she just loved on me. She just supported me. My own weakness was plainly visible....and I had to correct it. I apologized for marginalizing and diminishing her. For making a comparison of her. For putting her in the place of everyone else in my past And then? I quit it. Right then and there. I set in my heart and mind to trust her....period. IF she would ever prove herself untrustworthy, we would deal with it at that moment. Until then, she is innocent. She just is. She deserves that dominance. She deserves that care.
We as dominants are just like every other human being, we carry baggage. What makes a healthy dominant is one who has looked at their baggage when it comes across the conveyor belt of life and owns it. Claims it. And removes it properly. To do otherwise is to bring our fears, distrusts, and insecurities and then place them on our partners. In so doing creating an unhealthy space from which to place dominance and risking our own dynamics.
A dominant should know their limits and follow them
If you’re a top, or a service-dominant or a Pro-dominant.....you know your lane. You are not looking for a d/s or m/s type of relationship (per se) and that is ok. Good. You’re not interested in the psychology of awakening devotion or emotional connection from a bottom or s type with you on a personal level. Good. You are interested in sexual conquest with kinkery added for flavor. Good. You want only to master implements of pain and pleasure. Good.
You are interested in a d/s or m/s dynamic, you wish to work towards mastery. Good.
You seek to invade an s types psyche and rule their heart. Good. You want to earn the honor of an s type giving you their submission. Good. You desire to encourage, support and nurture the best in an s type you can call your own. Good. You seek to be more active in your community, serving where and learning what you can. Good. You believe turning an s type to a drooling puddle of goo is beauty incarnate. Good.
None of these things (and so many, many more) are bad or wrong. They’re all a part of the lifestyle and each one of them can make you happy and fulfilled in their own way. A healthy dominant knows not only what they want (and why) but also whether they’re capable at this moment of achieving it. They’re honestly realistic about their capabilities. They are the first ones to discover and admit in their want whether it’s practical today to have it or it is still just a want they’re working towards.
Example: I want a cabin in the woods. I have most of my life. That want doesn’t make me capable of having it, or achieving it...though it is necessary as a goal. It is only the beginning. I have spent over 20 years planning, learning and working towards that goal. But, I am not quite ready. I am honest about it. It’s still a want. It is a practical goal that can be achieved. It is, however, not yet for me. I know my lane. I know my capabilities and I accept my limitations. Those limitations don’t stop me from pursuing my desire, but they do in reality stop me from achieving and actualizing that desire.
Dominance is honest. Practical. Realistic. Even though I know, often much of it is played out in fantasy, it is still our chosen way of life. Nothing suits dominance better than understanding and patience. Conversely, there is evidence all around of unhealthy dominance by those who “want” and “desire” but don’t want to put the effort and work into achieving. Intelligence is sexy. Know your capabilities. If you can’t handle your own anger because you fly off the handle whenever something doesn’t go your way and you wish to own an s type.....you’re not ready. Grow. There’s no one telling you not to want. But wanting a thing is not the same as achieving it.
A dominant will never expect or push beyond what an s type is willing
This seems to me to go without saying, but for some reason we hear more and more about “dominants” who slander an s type because they won’t “instantly” drop to their knees for them, or call them “master” or “sir” upon command after briefly chatting with them.
NO s type is obligated, owes, is indebted, needs or even wants to give anyone (especially a person that EXPECTS) their submission.
This thinking is mine....mine alone....use it as you wish or disregard....
No d type should EVER expect submission. E.V.E.R.. The thinking behind this is straightforward really....no s type owes you anything. They are their own individual. Their submission is theirs. They own it. If you hope to share in it....show them that respect. If as a d type you wish to own it because they find you worthy of taking care of them.....give them the respect of acknowledging it is theirs...to do with as they please. To give to whomever they wish in whatever circumstances and situations they decide. Until they do so....a d type has NO right to expect anything. Even when as a dominant you own a submissive....their submission is theirs, they focus it on you...they give you all of themselves and tell you it is theirs.....and it is. Why? Because THEY allow it. Your expectations aside won’t gain it (no argument that once a dominant has an s types submission/slavery they have the right to expect it....semantics I would argue....but valid point all the same). Even if you own them and have for years, they could still decide, for whatever reason to withdraw their submission. That choice is ultimately always theirs.
Don’t expect or demand. Respect that everyone else is their own person, with their own rights. An s type doesn’t cease to have rights simply because they’re an s type. They owe you nothing. NOTHING. If they choose to give themselves and their most vulnerable part of their desire to you, it is because they trust you, because they want and have chosen you. Then, only then, can you expect their submission to come to you. Understand that may take time. Understand that most s types have been burned, used, left abandoned, hurt in the past. They have real-life issues; jobs, children, ex’s, parents et cetera that you’re asking them to allow you to be responsible for in many cases (no, not all). This will never be easy. Put yourself in their shoes for a second....if you were asked to make a decision to give all of yourself over to another how difficult would it be for you? Be mindful, present and above all be patient. You are not owed anything you haven’t earned.
A dominant knows what is theirs and what is not
A healthy dominant knows their limits. A healthy dominant knows themselves and their weaknesses. A healthy dominant knows when and where to push. A healthy dominant knows that they only want what they need.
Read that again....
A healthy dominant knows that they only want what they need.
Today, thirsty behavior is all around you. It is evident everywhere. And yes, it has always been present. It’s nothing new.
Evidence of self-control is knowing that while as a healthy dominant you may be capable of having any s type out there to choose from, you only want the one(s) that you need. Nothing more. Do not lead others on for the sake of your ego and pride. Nothing says “dim dom” worse than “playing the field” and “using” other s types for your satisfaction.
Again, this should seem to go without saying, honesty is absolutely necessary to build trust. As we can agree that trust is what this lifestyle is about, promote transparent honesty in all things. Including what it is you want, what you’re seeking, what you feel you need as a d type, what your goal is, what your aim is, what you wish to accomplish in your life with an s type by your side. Whatever that looks like. If you do not know the answers to these things, consider that you should before attempting to make an s type yours.
Knowing what your purpose is about is knowing what you need and then pursuing only that need.
If you don’t need play partners, don’t pursue them. If you don’t require a slave, don’t pursue them. If you don’t need a person who will get emotionally attached, don’t play with another's emotions.
This is a simple kindness. Have character, integrity, and honor. These are hallmark traits of being dominant. Otherwise, what separates you from a “vanilla” bloke?
In this first part of a series, I have felt I should write I have hoped to inspire us dominants to reach for an often higher and more cerebral form of dominance than is often typified in online settings. No, a healthier form of dominance. One of enlightened and purposefully focused on positive direction instead of simply the wandering eyes and thinking with our loins that seems to be so prevalent.
I hope this has done just that for those who seek such.
May you find your clarity and purpose with a renewed sense of peace today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
